Letters From an Earthling
Created | Updated Apr 6, 2006
Dear Mum,
I have been lucky enough to meet an alien by the name of Tuc Fortuneswell. He is a Troglodite from the planet Trog. He was aboard the Troglodite mother ship up until about two weeks ago, when Farkswell, the ship's captain, lost his mind. This also caused Tuc to suffer some very bad press in the Daily Trog. (They said that Captain Farkswell had not lost his mind at all, but that Tuc had thrown it down the garbage chute. This, of course, is a lie: it was Tuc's mate Blot Davidson who threw it — not down the garbage chute, I might add, but out of the airlock, as he had mistaken it for a squidgie1 after drinking too much greeh2.)
The Troglodite mother ship is a very special ship. Not only does it travel at four times the speed of light, it can also travel forwards and backwards in time. It is the only ship of its kind in the Troglodite fleet, due to the fact that the engineers who made it have no idea how they managed the whole time-travel thing — a fluke of luck, one might say. And this is also how the 'Roswell incident' can be explained. It was caused by aliens, but the alien ship found at Roswell was really just a model of the first Troglodite mother ship. It came to land in Roswell because Captain Farkswell and First Officer Snugglebum were fighting over the last bottle of greeh and accidentally knocked the model spacecraft out of the window, right over Roswell. Little did they know that at exactly the same time, Blot had leaned on the 'DO NOT PUSH — TIME TRAVEL' button, hence leaving them hovering over New Mexico. Tuc also got blamed for this unfortunate accident because he was trying to pull the button back out when Engineer Blight went to investigate what had happened.
So with all this trouble aboard ship, Tuc decided it best to leave. He did this in the incredible shrinking Allaox (a small spaceship that can be shrunk so that it will fit in your pocket) and so joined the crew of an earth pirate ship. It is quite an unusual ship, as it is far bigger on the inside than it would appear from the outside. There seem to be hundreds of cabins, three bars, a quiz room, a greenhouse, towel room, sauna, swimming pool, sewing room, knot shop... and the list goes on.
I will be sure to tell you more of Tuc's journeys in my next letter.
Your loving son,
Tarkwell
