The Boss (CAC Edition)

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A BOSS is a weird universal phenomenon which most intelligent life forms inevitably fail to understand, especially when those intelligent forms are not bosses, which is usually the case.

Taxonomically speaking, all beings are divided into two main categories:

1-Living things, who actually do something to make a living

2-Bosses, who tend to look at things other beings have done and say “hmmm” authoritatively 1

Scientifically, a Boss is a highly sophisticated and occasionally very loud Hi-Fi system (Hire/Fire Mechanism). Any entity capable of doing any action that might directly or indirectly affect the process of hiring/firing you is defined as your boss.

A deeper understanding of the Boss phenomenon can be achieved through a thorough existential study of particle physics. The most accepted theory in that regarded (i.e. the theory signed by the largest number of bosses) states that “in the beginning there were the employees, who really didn’t count”.

The employee particles (later known as the negative e-particles) were a group of scared, light weighted and utterly insignificant bits of matter which scampered aimlessly along the infinity of total chaos. Then suddenly, God made the first positive addition to the universe, which toke the form of a fat, lazy and cumbersome particle that sat idly and did almost nothing. Since the fat lazy particle was rather slow and relaxed and didn’t move around much, the chaotic -e particles found themselves inexplicably attracted to it, and take refuge in revolving around it in an orderly fashion. Thus was how the first stable atom got created , with the insignificant light weighted employee particles acting as electrons and doing all the reactions, and a fat lazy boss particle acting as it’s nucleus which slowly revolved around itself and supervised the whole thing 2

Once that was done, the same pattern was repeated in the formation of solar systems, galaxies, and all sorts of civil service bureaus. Then God relaxed and watched the universe as it take care of itself ever after, only uttering as much as a divine “hmmm” from time to time when necessary.

Some highly paid experts say that Bosses are essential for maintaining order in the universe and resisting chaos. Whether this is true or just pure garbage those experts came up with to please their bosses remains to be one of the deepest riddles of para-existential bureaucracy.

It is arguable3 that being a boss doesn’t require any special talent, yet no one can deny that it involves a lot of practice. The trick is to learn how to pick the right time to utter the right “hmmm” when one of your employees submits his work to you. A good “hmmm” should be sufficiently guttural and decisively ambiguous. It should cover the whole range of meanings that start with “Oh, that’s brilliant” to “You’d soon wish you’d never been born” simultaneously. The resultant effect on the employee should be his sudden and complete transformation from a man to a mouse, which is the most sublime form of bureaucratic magic.

The best example of the role of Bosses in the universe and it’s relation with other less significant components was brilliantly illustrated by the theory of “Monkey Business” postulated by the Earl of Notinmyshift, who believed that the universe is a tree. The bosses are the monkeys occupying the higher branches of the tree and looking down at the scenic view below, haughtily admiring the beauty and order of the universal system, while the rest of the monkeys below look upward from time to time and fail to see anything but a bunch of a-holes.

How to deal with bosses

Dealing with your boss is a matter of life and death (you’ll have to handle lots of his “killer strategies” and meet his “dead lines”). Here’s some of the best tactics to use with bosses.

1-Have sex with them.
Having sex with your boss is usually a most tempting desire which could hold an almost erotic connotation . Unfortunately, it is the riskiest tactic of all (It isn’t easy to make love to an elephant). Yet, as a famous Zoltarian bald dragon mega beast have once said “Bosses are only Zoltarian bald dragon mega beasts.”, or, in case of humans, “Bosses are only human”4.

The point is: you can always find out about that younger boy/girl friend your boss hangs around with. This information, if coupled with the phone number/mailing address of your boss’s spouse, can pave the way for a handsome bonus.

You can also benefit from the amazing fact that, despite all apparent differences, bosses usually have the same anatomical structure as normal people, and therefore are apt to get drunk, stoned, and/or very silly as a result of a proper amount of “something funny” accidentally dropped in their coffee right before an important meeting. The only drawback is that having sex with a boss is so exceedingly tempting that once you start doing it, you could hardly stop before so many people - usually yourself included - get the short end of the stick in the process.

2-Deify them.
The most common tactic which hardly ever fails.
Some races, especially the human race, have followed this tactic literally, and ended up transforming their bosses into princes, kings, priests, deities, presidents, and - more often than not - tyrants. Bosses have a natural and very impressive lack of immunity against false praise. Telling your boss how brilliantly his green tie seems to match his red jacket would never hurt anyone, except your envious colleagues who would hurriedly do their best to confirm your opinion. The worst result of overdoing this tactic is that your boss might go on thinking about your overdose of praise for a full minute. During the first split second of that minute he would realize what a hypocrit you must be, and for most of the remaining 59.99 seconds he would be impressed by the fact that even a hypocrit like you can easily recognize a good thing when he sees it, and therefore would be forced to admire this quality of yours, which, if displayed repeatedly, would surely earn you a promotion.

3-Over-ride them.
Prudent beings often benefit from the fact that every boss has a boss. This fact is best utilized by using an amalgam of both of the above mentioned tactics. This goes as follows: deify the boss of your boss, for by doing so you’d be in a slightly better position to mess with your boss. If that fails, you can always take the longer route, and deify the boss of the boss of your boss, then mess with the boss of your boss, and so on.

One less popular method is simply this: kill your boss.
Yet, a quick look at the homicide related statistics of any nation would reflect the extreme difficulties involved in this tactic. It’s amazing how people would rather kill friends, neighbours, colleagues, spouses, children, parents and sometimes total strangers than kill their boss!

The explanation of this phenomenon is partly related to the total unfeasibility of the process. It takes an immense amount of effort and a huge number of partners to kill the smallest amount of bosses. In case of humans it took the whole occupants of Paris to kill one single Louis XVI. The whole population of Moscow were required to eliminate one single Tsar Nicholas II. The whole effort, in most cases, wasn’t really worth it. In the end, there’s always another boss.

Another explanation is that the core of the relation between people and their bosses has lots of similarities to the emotional bond between medieval prison inmates and their torturers. It’s the sort of masochistic intimacy that leads to an awkward fondness which - if the boss/torturer is hurt - makes it impossible to overcome the resultant guilt. Maybe that’s why the French are so keen to own any relic reminiscent of their old king/bosses, like, for instance, a replica of a Louis XIV chair, paying big money for a stylish guilt thorn to sit on.

Philosophically, many thinkers had tried so hard to fix the bosses problem, yet none of their suggestions ever worked. Plato, just to name one, described a terminal solution to the problem in his famous “Utopia” by suggesting that nobody should be allowed to be a boss...unless if he’s a philosopher. Obviously, no one in his right mind take him seriously.

In later centuries. Many German philosophers have gone to far extremes in their attempts to prove that bosses aren’t necessary. The philosopher Nietzsche went as far as saying the even the universe doesn’t need a boss, and so he spent most of his life trying to prove that God is dead. This attempt suffered a sudden stroke later, when God offered a very conclusive proof that Nietzsche is dead.

In modern times, great thinkers have offered the amusing solution of democracy. Instead of having a superior boss imposing himself on a nation, the people of the nation would willingly choose one to impose upon themselves. By doing so they could enjoy the favorite national past time of protesting against him for a few years before sending him home to mind his own business, only to go on protesting against a fresh face.

The most cheerful - though rather scary - fact is that even you can be a boss someday! The most common steps you could follow to reach the boss phase are as follows :-

  1. Find a job (not optional)
  2. Spend the next 20/30/4570 years (depending on your species and/or the nature of your job) defying / having sex with / over-riding your boss.
  3. Presto majesto: you're the boss!
  4. Once this happens, spend the next 3/10/212 years (depending on your spices and / or health problems you devloped on the way to becoming the boss) preventing the less significant mortal ( your employees) from sexual intercourse / defying / over-riding you. Don't feel shy or guilty about doing so. It's just the way things work in this dimension. Any way your the boss.

1Some beings are naturally devoid of vocal chords and therefore can’t say “hmmm” very well, and would rather belch, spit or fart authoritatively instead.2A few innovative and very rebellious scientists have tried to break this system by splitting the atom, but we all know what a dangerous business it had turned out to be.3By those who like to argue, and therefore never reach the rank of highly paid experts.4It is often believed that human bosses are not so fundamentally different from Zoltarian bald dragon mega beasts.

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