h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Proper protocol for your next LAN party:

Bring your own computer unless pre-arranged from another attendee or host(ess) to utilize anothers computer. The mere touching of another's computer or related accessories without the owners permission will result in punishment decided by the weary, over-caffeinated consensus of the LAN party attendees. It usually involves a jar of marshmallow creme and 6-month old box of weevil-filled breakfast cereal.

Bring your own damn tools to work on your computer, which will have troubles during the LAN party. The same is to be said about necessary software, including Operating System, Drivers, Games and Utilities. Should you not have either, they can usually be borrowed from another attendee at the cost of much grumbling and a punishment to be determined by the lender.

Do not watch pirated pronographic movie clips on your computer in the same room as a minor, even if you took it off of their computer.

The host always gets offered the first beer from a new package.

Don't take your speakers. They'll be too big, too heavy and too loud, no matter how tiny they are. Use headphones.

Bringing extra computers to act as a game server, CD-copying workstation, file server or spare for a computer-less attendee is appropriate. If it will not be used, keep it out of the way, as an attendee will trip over a network cable strung across the floow and spill the second beer from the package into your backup machine, damaging its contents, as well as wasting a perfectly good beer.

If the host(ess) prepares food, eat it. It will save you a trip to the Quickee-Mart at 3am for snack food and caffeinated beverage.

Ask before you bring your own coffee maker.

When trash-talking your opponent(s), always pluralize nons with a Z as opposed to an S and use symbols to represent some letters. It m@k3z joo l00k 1ik3 @ 133T g@m3R, 8i0tch!

When the host says leave, leave.


Other laws apply to LAN parties that have yet to be stated:

Mad Onion's Skillz Equation:
The attendee with the fastest computer and best video card that other attendees drool over is never> the best at any game played at the LAN party. The best gamers are always too poor to afford the best computer equipment, since they spend all their time playing games instead of earning a paycheck.
This can be represented mathematically, as the level of a player's gaming skill is inversely proportionate to their computer's 3DMark score. (3DMark is a benchmark of CPU and 3D video card speed)

Theorum of Burning:
Attendees with CD-Recordable drives play the least, unless the CD-Recordable drive is in an alternate computer. This is a result of the Want Factor of the newest games, which the best gamers can't afford to buy (see above).