Taking up a martial art is one of the most rewarding decisions a person can make. With a good instructor, there's a lifetime's worth of hobby stretching out in front of you as you enjoy shaping yourself and your technique towards the elusive goal of perfection. There are, however, already some good h2g2 Guide Entries on the history, traditions and practices of karate. This entry is intended to take a (slightly cynical) look at the many things you, as a human being, can expect to experience from the moment you take up that ever-popular from of oriental ass-whupping; karate.

People You'll Meet

First things first. When you go to karate, you'll probably want to make friends and get to know your fellow practitioners. Of course, when you first go along to the class, everyone will look very scary in their white uniforms and coloured belts (especially the brown and black belts!), but you'll soon get to recognise the following people.

The Teenage Girl

Started doing karate when she was about ten years old and hadn't lost any of that youthful flexibility. Now she's about 16 and a can drop into the splits at a moment's notice, hold a side-kick at 180 degrees to the floor for as long as she wants and perform that backwards-spinning-roundhouse kick with balletic grace. This is irritating to just about everybody. If you're a fellow teenager, you get the embarrassment of somebody your own age being considerably better than you (especially... ugh... a girl!). If you're an older man, you get to look silly compared to somebody who could be your daughter (or little sister). If you're an older woman, you get the irritation of knowing that, if only you'd kept up your gymnastics or ballet as a teenager instead of taking up smoking and trying to attract Kev with his Volkswagen Golf¹, you'd probably be able to do the splits too.

The Deceptive White Belt

There's always one of these too. He's probably only a white or orange belt, only been training for a few months and has a nice new-looking gi². Nothing too intimidating there. But hang on... he's the same grade as you... but when he punches it goes 'whooosh-snap!', his leg straightens properly on his front kick and he can do that silly stance where all your weight's over your back leg³. You want to know why? He may be a white belt here - but he's already got a black belt in tae-kwon-do or another style of karate! This is even better when clubs use him in competitions! If he were competing for his tae-kwon-do club, he'd be in the top tier, fighting the best in the country, but because he's only a yellow belt in your style of karate, they can pair him off against people who've only been doing karate for a while.

The Reeeeeally Aggressive Guy

These come in two forms. The white belt who doesn't know any better and the black belt who should. Both are quite commonly middle-aged men whose wives regularly beat them in the home environment. The white belt may only know how to do a front punch and front kick but, by God, he's going to hammer them in with all the force he can muster. Even doing line work with no opponent, he'll grit his teeth, scrunch up his face, and charge forward with a hearty ki-ai⁴ as the instructor looks on with a bemused smile. 'But I thought martial spirit was good' I hear you cry. Indeed it is, but unfortunately in Mr Aggressive it makes him hunch his shoulders, swing his arms and move like the Incredible Hulk.

The aggressive black belt is an altogether more despicable creature; he knows full well that his training partner is his compadre, not his enemy, but he has to prove himself better than everybody in the world. When the instructor says 'attack at half speed' or 'attack without power', Mr Aggressive Number 2 will conveniently mishear this as 'use any means possible to hurt your partner - especially if they're foolish enough to obey the instruction to attack without power'. Entertainment can be had when Mr A2 is paired up with someone better than him - just see that frustration build as his best efforts at evil-doing are met with a sound slapping!

The Small Children

'You might be able to make me go to karate, but you can't make me concentrate!' is written all over these ones. No amount of shouting, threatening and coercing by the instructor can make them hold still in their stance, stop talking or perform their actions with any kime⁵. You can bet they're the first to show off at school about how they 'do karate', but Daniel-San⁶ they certainly ain't!

Girl Who Used to be a Ballet Dancer

This person has many of the same properties as Teenage Girl but with more potential variation in age. She was the one who didn't give up ballet or gymnastics until much later, and now she's looking for a replacement hobby to make use of her spectacular levels of fitness and flexibility. Watch the black belts look on in envy as, in her first lesson, she performs all the kicks and low stances far more gracefully than they've ever managed in their many years of training.

Decent, Nice, Honest People

This, you'll be pleased to hear, is most of them. Karate takes dedication and doesn't lend itself to immediate rewards, so the attention-deficient, the show-offs, the egotists and the bullies don't tend to last for more than one or two lessons. This filtering system tends to leave you with a club full of actually decent people.

The Stages of Training

These are the stages you'll go through as you progress through the syllabus of coloured belts⁷.

Beginning

This is when you're the only one wearing a tracksuit while everyone else wears their snazzy white gi. Your low stances are high, your punches go squelch rather than snap (apart from the snapping noises of your joints) and your kicks make you fall over rather than your enemies. But not to worry, you'll soon get yourself a gi (which covers a multitude of technical deficiencies and helps make nice whooshy noises) and a coloured belt and arrive at stage 2...

Early Middle

Now you've got your suit and coloured belt. You feel like a proper karate student and know a couple of kata⁸. The trouble is...now karate actually starts to mean something to you! You don't just want to play around - you want to go 'whooosh-snap' too! Now you'll start to join in with the people who practise difficult kicks before the lesson starts, instead of just standing around chatting. This is where the the addiction and the frustration of karate really begins - you have to look as good as Teenage Girl (even if she is ten years younger than you). Maybe it's possible. It seems plausible! But right now, you're a looong way away (after all, she's got a five year head-start). The important thing here is not to get disheartened. Just try not to 'coast' along - every class, try to push yourself to be the best that you can and soon you'll get to stage 3...

Later Middle

Now you've been here a couple of years and got some more belts. You've still got the same problems as before (they never go away, I'm afraid. You'll always be your own harshest judge and that Teenage Girl will have kept training too!) but now the instructor expects more of you too! You need to actually be able to move in kokutsudatchi and look convincing. You need to do ushirogeri without falling over. Thankfully, you've also got a lot more used to the rigmarole of gradings and your leg muscles have strangthened up enough that standing in bizarre stances doesn't hurt so much any more. Soon you'll be at the next stage...

Aaaargh, My Next Grading is Black Belt

This is where your internal critic really goes to town. 'So you think you're good enough to be a black belt eh?' it chimes. 'So why does your back leg wobble when you do that kick? Why do you hunch that shoulder when you punch?' etc, etc, etc. This is where you realise that if you're going to spend the money to get you from home to wherever they hold dan⁹ gradings, you're damn well going to pass! Of course, karate is about more than coloured belts and it's not a competition to get grades - but being the best that you can be would seem so much more rewarding with that lump of black cotton around your waist. My advice: wait until you personally feel ready. You'll never feel good enough, but you'll reach a point where you have an inkling that you could pass. Then go for it and good luck!

After That

No Idea. Ask again in a few years...

Conclusions?

In the same way you can criticise your girlfriend/boyfriend but not like them any the less - one can criticise the practices and people of karate, but still enjoy it very much. Why not give it a try if you don't already - then, if nothing else, you'll laugh when you meet all of the people decribed above!