h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"We're lost," said Melchior.

"I blame Befanna," said Balthazzar.

"Why me?" Befanna demandeded.

"You get lost at the drop of a hat," Caspar said.

"You're bringing perfume to a baby," Befanna pointed out. I'm bringing him weapons."

"Why?"

"Herod wants him dead."

"Hello, Daddy" - the three-year-old girl skidded across the airport flooring and crashed into her father's knees. "Were you flying OORL THIS TIME?? Were you in the clouds?" "Yes sweetie; I saw Santa up there and he gave me this for you".

"I got a sports car for Christmas."

"Great! Let's go for a spin in it."

"I'm not allowed to before Christmas Day."

"Not even Christmas Eve?"

"The warranty doesn't cover the satellite navigation system that day."

"Why not?"

"It's the satnav clause."

'Twas the night before Fishmas. The gulls and the buoys
Were waiting for old Santa Scrod to bring toys.
Rudolph the Rednosed Rainbow trout
Impatiently waited his chance to go out
And lead Santa's sleighshell
Under starfish so bright,
Fishmas Eve Night.

Meanwhile, on the Planet Samtsirch.....

"You squandered your magic wish, Mary. Santa can't come. He's
10,000 light years away."

"Santa is magic, John. Science can't explain it."

"Your snow is black!" Santa exclaimed in disbelief."

"And you're green, Santa."

"Merry Christmas anyway!"

And there were in the insane county shepherds, washing their socks by night. The angle of the Lord peered at them. They were sore and frayed. A multitude of angles said "Gloria? Oh God, where's Gloria?" Gloria was apparently missing, so they left.

The snow is falling steadily, as we walk to the village church for Christmas evening song. We’ll meet up with parishioners afterwards in the vicarage for mince pies and mulled wine and sing a song or two before heading off to home.

After Jesus was born, the dark stable brightened up with the light that emanated from the baby. Unfortunately the manger was empty, so Jesus didn't have straw to lie on.

"Joseph," said Mary, why don't you make hay while the son shines?"

The UK winter forum went into meltdown as the members complained about the unseasonably mild weather, that despite having seven days of heavy frost. They all still insisted believing that we should have had snow every day since the end of November.

The Martians were disappointed that they couldn't make crop circles in the Winter, so I sprinkled Christmas ornaments in the field. This made them very happy!

I was too lazy to remove the ornaments afterwards. Next July, the corn was vividly ornamented!