h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This PhD has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Although I wasn't top of the class in university I certainly never felt particularly challenged by medschool and the post graduate exams. There was a lot to learn and it took a lot of time, but all I had to do was to actually put the time in. The results were directly proportional to the amount of effort I put in. More effort and I got a better result, less effort and I got a poorer result.

There was always a nagging doubt that I might be dyslexic, but it didn't seem to matter too much. My teachers had raised it as a possibility when I was 17. I looked at the other dyslexic pupils at school, they were either completely stupid, or pretty normal with bizarre pushy parents that couldn't accept that their darling offspring weren't wonderfully intelligent. I refused to go and get diagnosed. My parents thought that dyslexia was a modern word for stupid. At university I decided not to tell anyone I might dyslexic and I never, ever, needed the extra time. On h2g2 people assumed I may be dyslexic from the way I wrote, but that gradually improved. Then when I started work things feel apart a bit when I just couldn't organize myself, but after a few months I was ok. I was also really good at some things, staying calm and thinking clearly in a crises, and talking to the relatives afterwards. I decided that I couldn't be dyslexic, after all I had got through all of this ok.

All along there were things I really struggled to do, things that everyone else could do. Things such as keeping my house tidy, having clean clothes every day, driving a car. Again this was stupid incompetence. I thought. I pretended everything was ok. Passed my driving test on the third attempt, even tried to learn to fly. I was a competent doctor, I had references and exams to say I was. I couldn't understand why I couldn't manage to have clean ironed clothes every day or keep my house tidy. I blamed the hours. And I could always wear scrubs which were washed by the hospital.

I've forgotten why i decided to do research. I think that it was partly because I thought that it was be a neat idea to discover something new, and partly because it seemed interesting. And it is interesting. I'm eternally grateful to Prof A and Prof B for giving me the chance. At first it was ok. Everyone was cleverer than me here. But after a while I struggled to keep up. It wasn't just that my written work wasn't very good. It was that I could barely organise myself I struggled to keep up with the admin. I worried a lot that I wasn't making a mistake, kept checking things again and again.

It was the left/right business that finally caught me. I had been asked to help out with clinic one morning. It was busier than usual and I wrote a referral letter in which I confused left and write. No harm was done, but the boss was Very Worried. The other Prof was also very worried, why wasn't I coping, why was my written work a mess. I muttered about maybe being dyslexic, took myself off to the student support service and they did a long and complex assessment and pronounced that I was indeed mild to moderately dyslexic. Actually I was moderately dyslexic, but I was compensating to mild. A few months a friend who is a teacher suggested that I may have elements of dyspraxia because I struggled with sentence structure, clumsiness and organisation. I read a book about living with dyspraxic and it all fitted a lot more closely that dyslexia. It would certainly explain why I can't look after a house properly, why driving a car took longer to learn, and so on.

But once you know you are dyslexic, what do you do about it? Checking the left/right in clinic is the easy bit. I draw myself a stick man in the notes, with an arrow pointing at the limb affected by the stroke. Then I check my requests against that stick man.

People initially said 'don't worry you can get someone to proof read your papers, lots of people do that'. But it's more than proof reading. If I can't copy down the results of the experiment properly then it's a problem. I've spent all week correcting some screw ups I made a year ago. I wrote a review which went to a Peer Reviewed journal, two reviewers liked it, and the other thought it was 'sloppy' because it was full of simple errors. The editor asked if I could revise and re-submit maybe if I read between the lines he implied that he would be keen to publish it. But the reviewer was right it was full of errors. It was sloppy. So I'm busy correcting the errors to re-submit it.

The Prof is getting exasperated with me, 'But I told you about this spelling and punctuation months ago, and you still can't do it!', and 'I can't proof read everything you do'. It all gets worse if I accidentally mislabel the version of the document I'm working on, and the errors she's carefully corrected go back in. I don't blame her for getting exasperated. I'm getting exasperated with myself. Because I've hit my limit. I'm trying as hard as I can and it isn't good enough. This is unusual for me. In the past I've just had to work harder and then I've achieved what I wanted.

Just trying harder doesn't help. I have to try different strategies, some of those strategies work and some don't. But I'm still not as good as the other students. I'm still failing. And there's times when I want to cry with frustration. These usually happen right after a meeting the Prof. The really annoying thing is that I love research and I want to do more of it. But at times I also want to walk out the door and never come back.

I've got new strategies, and things are starting to get better. It's not an overnight thing though, it's a bit, by bit thing. And god it's difficult.

I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic so i sort of understand the shear frustration
I could never understand why i was different, why was i so unorganised why couldn't i keep house properly why couldn't I organise my degree work? why didnt i have the same volume and quality of work as the others on my course? I always told myself no dyslexics can't read you can read your not dyslexic you just have trouble with writing and organisation, there are different types of dyslexia and it's hard to explain to someone but it's equally frustrating when people who should be able to help you don't seem to care, I find it astounding the number of people in the world of education who simply don't believe that dyslexia is a real problem that it's something you have a choice over that you could not have if you just tried a bit harder

it is an uphill struggle and I wish i could say that it gets easier with time but really it is getting coping mechanisums in place and hoping you have understanding work mates

[Amy P]

Thank you. .. When were you diagnosed? At Uni or before?

I think it is getting easier. But it is still really annoying. Prof Boss is actually doing her best to be supportive, but I think she is as frustrated as I am. I picked up logistic regression in a few hours but I stil can't spell protein.

Wow, that is really putting yourself out there. Good job, especially after that life-long cover-up. Still, undue prejudice is real. In the world of PhDs reputation is everything, i.e. publishing some paper can bring more respect or kill your future. I say COMPENSATE.

After all is said and done, any strong trait can be a blessing or a burden; which often depends upon how you use the trait. Most people with your trait are far better at making associations than anyone without the trait. If that were true for you, you can look for ways to capitalize on the fact.

also...

As I think you know, I wrote, “Greatness, especially the greatest of greatnesses is very hard to judge in the short term. Greatness logically attracts detractors that are duty bound to test the mettle of any such determination.”

Well, a PhD is the highest academic level awarded. That makes you a target. If your mettle is worthy, prove it!

Dyspraxia is hard because it can affect everything in different ways. I know that you'll be trying the coping strategies that you know.

And I will just say one thing that you may not want to consider, but...

If you don't complete your PhD, it's not the end of the world. A disappointment, of course, but not the end of everything.

The closest I can come to understanding is when I was training to be a musical instrument repairer, which was all I'd ever wanted to be but thought I couldn't do it, and the person in charge gently told me that she wouldn't be keeping me on because I just wasn't good enough. I'm slapdash, and sloppy. You need to be perfect, and incredibly patient. It just wasn't something that could be solved with hard work and practice - it's just not me. I was devastated though; I'd really though I was doing OK.

We never stop learning about ourselves do we. It can be very tempting to just accept "that's just the way I am!", but you're being courageous and tenacious and ambitious - I admire that greatly. Thank you for sharing this

[]

reddit.

Thanks for sharing this Z. I really admire you for pushing your limits this way---this dyspraxia seems to effect a lot of cognitive processes and to get an MD with it is already quite an accomplishment.
Being left-handed, I have always had difficulties with left and right directions and that is why I thought I had difficulties, but it might just be a very mild case of this. Persevere. It probably helps you 'think outside the box' and thus be more creative than others.

Wow, Z. Your journal is proving to be a real source of enlightenment to me.

Not only do you share information and insight, but you give us all hope. If you can accomplish the things you do with a handicap like dyspraxia, then who knows what we can all get done if we use a bit of strategy?

My brother-in-law, who's dyslexic, is a superb teacher. And hey, he was invited to participate in a government-sponsored summer work programme for top-notch science teachers - and people like NASA use their results.

One of my nephews - from the other sister's family - has something like what you're describing, though I don't know what it's called. He gets disoriented in strange places, for one thing, and he had reading problems. Now, his mom is a teacher, and loves to find solutions, so he's doing just fine. He managed to pass his exams in New York, and his big brother's going to make sure he learns something he wants to do - be a sous chef. And he's learned to drive.

I know this situation: people are impatient if you aren't good at the thing THEY'RE good at. But you're good at something else. What you have to offer is just as important as what they have. So what you need to find is somebody who can help you with the detail work.

I remember seeing a documentary years ago about Yehudi Menuhin. He was a great violinist. His wife said, 'He can't tie his shoes.' But she was there for him - and he could wear loafers.

Thanks for posting that, Z. There's a lot of food for thought in it. I've the highest respect for your determination to keep at it, when it would be so easy to say "maybe it's just not for me".

I was diagnosed in secondary school but it didn't really effect me at that level except in one subject - chemistry - not that i realised it at the time. my uni was very unhelpful though they refused to accept the original diagnosis or the private diagnosis which also highlighted asphergers syndrome only what there own educational psychologist would agree to the whole thing put me off to be honest I can't imagine going onto a masters never mind a phd I admit to being somewhat in awe of those that do put themselves forward for such things.

Hello Z, just want to say you have my sympathy and I'd like to encourage you to hang in there. My problem is paranoid schizophrenia, and as a result of that I could not even complete my bachelor's degree at university. I've done a lot of university studying, but I am unable to do it in the sort of timeframes necessary so I got lots of isolated courses completed but nothing that is coherent. That's sort of my problem, a difficulty with coherence. But I am very good with a few things: I am quite good with languages and writing, in addition to art. I've done a lot of proofreading ... I also have a fairly good general knowledge so can do some general checking for facts and that sort of thing, so if there's something I can do for you on that front feel free to ask.

I agree with Dmitri. I feel we are here to help each other out. If one person can't tie his shoes, it only takes a few seconds for someone who's able to do it, to help him out. I feel we all should find out what we can do really well and concentrate on that, and along the way help people who cannot do that sort of thing really well, and it would be nice if in turn they can help us with some of the things we can't do well.

Thank you all so much for your support. . I'm really touched with how many people have dropped by to say they are supportive. Especially at one stage this was really a very very self indulgent moan.

Vip, thank you so much for your post. I can sympathise with having to give up something you want so much because you just can't do it.

Willem, I'll be in touch... Could you do an OU degree? ( www.open.ac.uk ) you can do a degree without specifying a subject, just doing distance learning courses.

I think I am only slightly dyslexic, after all I did 9 letters after my name without anyone raising it as a concern. I think a lot of the problem that my supervisor is frustrated is because I work in a department where most people are very high achievers, most of them were the cleverest in their year at university, and they mostly went to Oxford or Cambridge. However much they want to be supportive, they really have never had to deal with someone who isn't naturally good at it. In lectures and seminars I can hold my own, and usually follow it, it's the written work that falls apart.

Giving up isn't really an option. Yes, I have bookmarked an job advert for P&O cruises, and another for the British Antarctic Survey. But I can't just leave. Not at this stage. My supervisor wouldn't let me, and it wouldn't be ethical. Of course I *could* leave. But I'm in my third year, and I have enough data for a PhD. It's really just the writing up I'm struggling with (though boy am I struggling).

I have recruited 260+ people into my observational study and they have all had extra tests because they think our research is important, it's been funded by a large grant from a charity. And above all it IS important. I am still passionate that what we are doing is something that could change a lot of things for a lot of people. I've nearly finished collecting it, and I have to get my data out there.

I could just do the research and leave other people to write up the research, but some of the tests are in an area where no one in the department but me is as familiar as I am with the methodology. These aren't the main part of the project, but I think they're important. So not everything would get published. Again that's not fair not for my patients or for other people with the condition who could benefit from my findings. (Well not much, but a bit).

Once I've written the papers then it's really just a matter of cut and pasting them together into a thesis. Or that's what Prof Boss says.

What they said. Very brave of you to write that journal, Z. It was one which I read really attentively. This puts all your achievements in a new light. And I have learned something about a condition which I had no experience of.

Try and tackle the problems in tiny subsections. Let yourself lose sight of the wood for the trees. The wood can then take care of itself.

Somehow I have a feeling you're going to manage your PhD.

Thank you!

Again

Reading this and reading about dyspraxia was really interesting. I must say I never heard of it before but it may explain some things that I always experienced myself. Or maybe not, I don't know.

I've always been slow. Not mentally but in all my movements. Trying to do things faster only leads to having to do everything again because it gets all wrong. If I try to write fast for instance (by hand) the result is random letters or not even letters but just random somethings on the sheet. This often lead to problems at uni when profs were talking fast and I tried to make notes. I also always tended to mix up letters while I wrote, the most long term problem was maybe writing L insted of S and the other way round.
I also never learned to bind my shoelaces in any other speed than 'very slow' for instance. And that is true for many other things too. I've always been kind of clumsy although I can for instance draw very well if I have time and fiddle with tiny things.
On the other hand again I despaired at school when we for instance did aerobics at sport. I was bad at sports anyhow but this was worst because I was unable to imitate any movements the teacher made and remember them. It took me 5 minutes to reconstruct simple things and I always ended up crying while everyone else had fun.

I also have problems with reading and writing correctly. I'm a very very slow reader. I can't skim pages like other people do and often read things wrong. My writing is sometimes good, sometimes not.

This is a fascinating thread. Big s for Z, and everyone else!

I, too, have trouble staying organised and focused, and it took me three tries to get my driving licence, but I think it's just because I have the attention span of a goldfish. Words and their organisation come easily to me - this is a good reminder that it's not the case for everyone...