Posted Jun 17, 2003
And so yet another six months pass with no word to or from yours truly. I'm sure there are researchers who have done a lot better (or worse, subject to point of view etc.) on this front. I can't say I'm determined to change the situation either, because I'm not... determined that is. I would like it, yes, but I can't put it as high up on my list as, say, getting a haircut (I really need one, makes more sense if you see me in the mirror every day, though if you do start seeing me in the mirror I would worry, especially if it was every day).
So what has been on my list of late? No, you didn't ask. Yes, I'm going to tell you. In a word... marijuana.
Its funny how a word can trigger such a vast array of different reactions in people. This particular word has started some of the most interesting conversations I've ever had (and, alas, abruptly ended most of them). I never really talk much about being a stoner on h2g2 because a) I don't think it really matters b) people can be depressingly closed minded and judgemental about such issues c) like most drugs its really not all that interesting to talk about unless you do or have done them. The only reason I mentioned it is because its been such a large part of my routine lately. I'm not going to claim it helps academically, because I do physics and if anything stoned algebra is ten times harder than sober rocket science. I unashamedly (okay, I was a little ashamed) stoned and coasted through my second semester exams and I've got the marks to prove it.
Weed does, however, have the power to enhance experiences and tranquilise the mind, both of which I am all for. It can also make you intensely self aware. Emotionally, I am the most self aware person I know of. I am often aware of myself to the point where my thought processes no longer make sense. Like when you take a word and focus on it for ages and all of a sudden its just a collection of letters to which a meaning has, seemingly arbitrarily, been ascribed. Some would say that that's not self awareness, just self confusion. To an extent I agree, I have been very deeply confused lately, and it really pissed me off. But gladly I'm beginning to find clarity - back in fimiliar places and with fimiliar people.
Towards the end of the second term at uni I felt that the smoking along with other factors was making me lose my "edge" (whatever the f**k that was) and somehow (quite easily, self-esteem at a low ebb) I got the impression that without that tiny insignificant edge I was pretty much no one. I became regularly depressed, grew heinously intolerant of most of what I said, did and thought, all of which is complete bollocks to any sane individual.
"and then I realised "....
The truth is, I haven't. I still find it difficult to have a great measure of faith in my abilities and my potential, simply because its never really been proved (proof denies faith, I know... reality isn't the same as potential, I'm aware... blah). The difference is now I've stopped closing myself off to the possibilities. I used to think hopefulness was just the first stage of disappointment. I don't know what I find right now, but I'm glad it isn't that any more.
Latest reply: Jun 17, 2003
10 months later
Posted Dec 24, 2002
Merry christmas, happy new year, peace on earth, good will to all, yada yada....
So.... where to start.
I'm here, I'm cool, its nearly christmas. I'm attending Nottingham Uni, which I care for dearly, or at least as dearly as one can care for a university as a whole. My course is difficult for lazy people, if you catch my drift. I have exams in January which I'm not nearly prepared enough for. I had a more-than-friend briefly. erm....
I still dig h2g2, I still remember it and you all and if you fancy a chat sometime... you know... just gimme a post...n'stuff...
*sigh* did I mention how pathetic my journal has become recently?
no worries. enjoy the festive season folks.
Latest reply: Dec 24, 2002
MIA (Missing in Action)
Posted Feb 16, 2002
I haven't been unaware that I haven't been leaving entries lately. I've had a lot of writer's block, if thats an acceptable excuse. The dog ate most of my posts and the ones he didn't got peed on by the cat . Right, thats everything accounted for...
2002! Its pretty good thus far. New year was a sudden anti-climax, but thats just made the start of the year seem that much better. School has seen better days. I've seen worse nights. No one in my immediate circle of friends has died recently.
Played my first gig with domesticide a week ago now. I thought it was a tragedy, but apparently we didn't do badly. We even got a comedy 'you suck!' at the end. Watch this space.
Latest reply: Feb 16, 2002
Smug smug smug
Posted Sep 4, 2001
I am VERY VERY very very pleased with the topic for my latest guide entry...
it is 4:32 am...
I am going to sleep now
Latest reply: Sep 4, 2001
Posted Aug 28, 2001
Despite recent tragic events in the news, the Reading festival kicked a fair amount of posterior, from my point of view. I managed to see most of the bands I wanted and was very impressed by a lot of new and not so new talent. I also managed to get a limited edition CD of a favourite band and a free T-shirt, as well as lots of free other people's sweat and a few external injuries. Such is the life of a rock lover. Two days after its end, the festival euphoria has not worn off. Its the best weekend I've had all year, half of it defies description, the other half of it I can't really mention, as with the rest of the summer.
I'll leave you wondering
Latest reply: Aug 28, 2001