h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Granted, your amazingly pleasurable hour is spent with David Cameron's head mentioned in an earlier post.

I wish that the doctors would do what I want them to.

Granted. They follow your wishes to the letter. There are side effects which they knew about but you didn't. These include five years of elepahantitis, gynecomastia, and itching.

I wish for a body of average size.

Well I want them to sort my gynaecomastia :P

And how did you manage to twist my request for a body of average size?

Average size for a giant, I believe HBO will be contact you for GoT (although maybe that corrupts it a bit...)

Thanks. Your wish for a moob reduction is granted. However, bang goes the offer of an advance for your book "Big boobs and balls". Pity, as that would have sorted out any financial problems, several times over.

I wish that the mice would be got rid of this time and not come back.

The mice leave, they are replaced with were-mice.

I wish I knew of a book that was about were-mice.

Granted. You're about to write it.

Sadly, it will have a readership in double digits over the next decade or so, thanks to e books and next to nobody bothering to write a review after downloading and reading it.


I wish that if somebody did my homework for me it would have the same beneficial effect as if I'd done it myself, but also save me a couple of hours.

Granted but the couple of hours you save turn into a nightmare because you look round and see how disgustingly untidy your mansion has become since you started studying

I wish I liked porkscratchings

Granted you like them so much, thats all you eat and end up putting on an incredible amount of weight, to the point that you have to be rolled every where.

I wish my feet were warm

Your feet are warm, because they've burst into flames.

I wish I could find the time and energy to get everything done today without collapsing in a tired heap by midafternoon.

granted but instead of collapsing in a heap you will wonder what on earth you can do with the extra hours, you will take up line dancing and with your struggle for perfection will practice till you drop in a heap from exhaustion

I wish slugs and snails would leave my garden alone

Granted but because they now have no garden to live in they become troublesome squatters in your home, holding late night parties and leaving empty beer cans everywhere. Oddly you can't find the salt.

I wish I was taller.

Granted You're taller. In fact, you're 12' tall but no wider than you are now. Nothing fits, and you can't even comfortably lie down on the floor of a small room.

I wish that the homes on this estate will be saved and repaired.

granted, they will be saved and repaired and then sold of by an unscrupulous land grabber to the owner of a sleazy caravan holiday park who will have pole dancing bars with cheap beer and loud music

I wish I could holiday there

I mean off not of!!!

Granted there's the aforementioned holiday park, complete with bar, poledancing etc. The bar is alcohol free, but with no actual soft drinks, just very sweet week fake lager, ditto dealcholised wine and cider. The poledancers are male, old, and ugly. They're not even good enough to be funny.

It's surrounded by an angry mob of previous tenants, with pitchforks and flaming torches. There also seem to be a few genuine zombies ready to attack anyone trying to enter or leave. Have fun!

I wish that I could remember what coursework I was supposed to do for tonight.

"sweet weak lager"

granted you will remember it and also remember you have not revised and are bound to fail the course, which will you cause to go back to line dancing in a failed effort to cheer yourself up

I wish my car was an Alfa Romeo Spider instead of a Peugeot 107

Granted Your car is now the car of your dreams.

To be more accurate, it's the car of your nightmares, when it comes to being the right car for the life you've got, instead of for your rich fantasy life. Converitibles and the UK climate are a bad combination, and nippy sports cars look like fun for whizzing down twisty country lane, but the suspenison is a nightmare.

I wish that I'll find the time to hit the pool on each of the next 4 days.