h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jesters and Clowns would be similarly unscathed - they taste funny

Deb

What do you get if you cross a dog with a monkey?
Prosecuted by the RSPCA

Simple explanation of "Marketing":
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
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* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
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* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
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* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
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* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
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*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
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* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
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* You're on your way to a party when you realise there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb on the roof of one near the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
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* You're at a party. This older man walks up to you and grabs your buttock.
That's Donald Trump.

How many lazy people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll wait for someone else to do it.

I've had a fear of speed bumps for years.

I'm getting over it slowly though.

PP

I saw two men pushing each other around at the bottom of a moving staircase yesterday.

I watched for a while to see it it was going to escalate.

PP.

A snail walked into a dealer's showroom and asked for the fastest car the dealer had. Then he asked for a license plate with just "S" on it.

"Why do you want that?" the dealer wondered.

"Because when I drive past, I want people to say "Look at that S car go."

I had to say that out loud to myself - TWICE - before I got it!

Deb

So did I. Brilliant

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't worry about me, I'm happy just sitting here in the dark.

POLITE NOTICE
To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue on their houses/trees........ can you remove them !!
Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Peroni , swallow my joint, and hide my gun...
thank you for your understanding................

My aunt left her body to science: astrology.

Why did the baker hire a psychiatrist?

Because his eggs had separation anxiety.

When people in Hell get thirsty, do they drink unholy water?

No, they get thirstier.

Even on Thirstday?

What did the Indian chief call the dog who slept in a different wigwam every night?

Rent Ten tents.

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well last night I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some shots. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it !

And even under the influence, you probably drove more safely than many real taxi drivers.

Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather.