h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You can't have your cake and Edith, too. I never choose Edith, so there's no one to reply to my observations.

You chews your cake instead?

Here's a ho-hum one

"I wasn't really searching the dungheap... just kind of going through the motions."

He was hoovering on a precipice.

You mean, Dyson with death?

Hi Reginald "what are you doing". "Just entering Paddington " "Bet that made him drop his marmalade sandwich"

The invention of the vacuum cleaner led to rapid in dusty realisation.

I thought I was drowning in Crush soda, but it was only a Fanta sea.

What was Gandhi's favorite long word?

Well, his feet were calloused from walking barefoot, especially as age caught up with him and his odd diet made him smell funny.

he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why are harps like aging parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

Have you heard of the new band "Duvet"? They're a cover band.

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A head banger

A baldy cat gets on a bus, the driver asks, where's your fare?

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows? Udder nonsense!

"Doctor, my wife thinks she's a cow."

"How long has she been like that?"

"twenty years."

"twenty years, and you're just telling me now?"

"Well, we don;t want to lose the milk."

The lady I went on a date with last night carried a tazer in her handbag. Man, she was stunning!

That must have been an enlightening experience. Maybe you were too bolt for her.

How did Wolvering beat Gambit at poker?
With his mutant dealing factor!

What did Green Lantern say when he was introduced to all the other members of the Lantern Corps?
"I don't know their names, but they all have a familiar ring!"

Green Lantern's cousin in Okinawa is called Japanese Lantern, but he makes light of his relation.

There are many streets named after colored lanterns in Lantern Bay, CA...

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=lantern+bay%2c+CA%2c+street+signs%2c+images&view=detailv2&&id=3F8ED7AEE9E5C105FF5A423C68F9B8B06D4652F4&selectedIndex=2&ccid=s0c%2fUOpk&simid=608051152779544788&thid=OIP.Mb3473f50ea64c4113f7c6f8031d4a55do0&ajaxhist=0

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=green+lantern+blvd.%2c+street+sign&view=detailv2&&id=7228DD27863372D946AE032C0D25324E57C81F1B&selectedIndex=7&ccid=hYWq3y4M&simid=608030773160313901&thid=OIP.M8585aadf2e0c387356ad729331e60573o0&ajaxhist=0

....

Are you allowed to take a LAN turn in cyberspace?

The accountant blithely went into the jungle even though he knew there were cannibals lurking there. Strangely enough, he always came out unscathed. One day someone asked why the cannibals never bothered him, and he replied, "There's no taste for accounting."