A Conversation for Miscellaneous Chat

Tell Us A Joke

Post 16741

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

I hope we're not heading for a Moby Dick joke.


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Post 16742

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

A chap said to his mate that he'd spent an hour defrosting the fridge last night. The wife calls it foreplay.


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Post 16743

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant


My son the scientist invented something that has me scratching my head. He found that putting wheels on a taco made it move forward.
He then designed tacos large enough to carry people.

I've heard of fast food, but this is ridiculous.


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Post 16744

Is mise Duncan

Q: Sepp Blatter and Jack Warner are in a car - who is driving?
A: The FBI.


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Post 16745

Yelbakk

How does Moses make his morning coffee?

Hebrews it.


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Post 16746

Pink Paisley

A duck is staying in a posh hotel. He goes out for the evening and after hanging round a couple of bars and clubs, he pulls. He invites the lucky lady back to his hotel for a nightcap.

He eventually slips into some more 'comfortable' plumage when he realises that he isn't 'properly equipped'. What to do? He calls room service.

'Ahem', he says, 'er, um, er, could you have the staff bring me up a, er, um, condom please?'

'Certainly sir,' says the receptionist, 'would sir like me to put it on his bill?'

The duck says 'What do you think I am? Some kind of pervert?'

PP.


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Post 16747

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

"Why the big bump on your forehead?"

"I lost in court today. Chickens sued me for putting horns on them, frogs for making them walk on stilts, and a camel for back injuries..."

"The punishment?"

"Then they threw the book at me."


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Post 16748

Is mise Duncan

Someone told me a joke about affine transformation,
but it loses something in the translation.


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Post 16749

Recumbentman

Why did the selfie stick?





Because it was self-sticky.





OK they can't all be gems.


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Post 16750

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

I'm told that FIFA is going into tennis. Their forehands are crap, but their backhanders are brilliant


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Post 16751

Is mise Duncan

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg.


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Post 16752

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

The trouble with political jokes is that so many of them get elected.


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Post 16753

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

Moses: God, I have such a headache!

God: Take two tablets and call me in the morning.


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Post 16754

Is mise Duncan

Rationing vasectomies to save the NHS budget won't make a vas deferens.


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Post 16755

Icy North

smiley - groan


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Post 16756

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

Wartime shortages were solved by a rational process.


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Post 16757

Reality Manipulator

Q: What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? A: My zip.

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks: " Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."


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Post 16758

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

[I've heard that same joke told by Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson...]

When the blonde was a little girl, her mother had to step out for a while. "I've left a pie on the front steps to cool.be careful how you step in it," she told the blonde.

The blonde stepped in it very carefully.


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Post 16759

Yelbakk

What do you call a saxophone player who has two saxophones? He is bisaxual.

What does the unemployed jazz guitar player say to the employed jazz guitar player? "Two burgers and a coke, please..."

What do you call a jazz trumpet player whose girlfriend dumped him? Homeless.

I could go on...


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Post 16760

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

"I left my best material at home," said the homeless comic.


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