h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There are sayings about the passage of time and its ability to dull the pangs of loss. You know what I'm talking about. The well-meaning comments made by people who feel like they should say something but don't know what. It's awkward knowing what to say to someone who has just had their world turned upside down for whatever reason. The thing is, it's true. Life does go on, and time does heal wounds.

My husband died five years ago today. It doesn't seem possible that five years have passed, but they have. They were years like all other years, punctuated with highs and lows. And during those years, I created a new life for myself, without consciously planning it or sometimes even being aware that it was happening.

I got up this morning determined not to brood or wish for things to be the way they were. One of the things I've learned is that the only person who can make me unhappy is myself. Very early on I rejected the notion of becoming one of those perpetual widows, tied to the past, still taking their identity from someone else. Too many women of my age see themselves as someone's daughter, or someone's wife or someone's mother. I wanted my own identity. I think I've been successful at accomplishing that. F and I had 32 years together. We had a good run, then the play closed.

One thing that has surprised me is my relationship with Syn. At first I couldn't imagine ever having another romantic relationship. After a couple of years, when my libido came back to life, my question to myself was, "At your age! Are you crazy?" Then I met Syn and decided I may be old, but I'm not dead. We've been seeing one another for a couple of years now. It's a good relationship. Syn is a great guy. We have a lot in common, enjoy each other's company and are comfortable with things the way they are. We spend a lot of time together, 4 or 5 nights a week, but he has his place and I have mine. It's the best of both worlds.

Which brings up another thing I've learned and something all widows and widowers need to understand. One relationship has absolutely nothing to do with another. Having Syn in my life isn't a reflection on how I felt about F. It's completely separate. Similarly, enjoying my life now, relishing the independence, is okay. It doesn't have anything at all to do with those 32 years. Covering myself with ashes wouldn't make F any less dead. It would just make me less alive.

So, five years in, do I still miss him? Yep. Sometimes so much I wonder if the hurt will ever go away. Do I wish he was still here? Nope, not like he was. He suffered through years of illness, had become dependent and was ready to go. I'm glad he got his wish. Do I like my life the way it is now? Very much.

A toast to F, to his kind heart, his gentle touch, his optimism, his dedication to his family, his strong work ethic, his truly wicked sense of humor, the gleem in his eye, the beautiful smile and infectious laugh.

Hyp
I should translate it all for my mother.

. To F, a truly wonderful man, long may he remain in our hearts.

And to Hyp, a brave, wise, and very lovely woman, who I am privileged to know.

To F

It's a privilege to count you as a friend

You learn to live the loss, that's how you get on, I think. Maybe.

Hyp, what a wonderful tribute and a lesson for everyone in coping with loss. Having met you just once I was struck by what a lovely person you are, and your 32 years together clearly gave you courage as well as happiness.

I am so glad you have a new life which makes you happy.

and long may it continue.

Websailor

to F.

You really are a remarkable woman Hyp, I'm glad to know you

Likewise. To F. To Hyp. To Syn.

What all the others said.

Very dear Hyp.

What a wonderful tribute to your marvllous man, and of course to you.

I certainly remembwer the pain of your loss even though I idd not know you well at the time. I believe that you have such a wonderful attitude and outlook on life. Thank you for guiding us all in your gemtle way and ensuring that the aims of the person who founded this wonderful website are always kept alive and well.

And enjoy your new life. I am sure that you will - both of you.

With loving good wishes,

Christiane AR80

19/XII/09 16.00 GMT

Very dear Hyp.

What a wonderful tribute to your marvllous man, and of course to you.

I certainly remember the pain of your loss even though I did not know you well at the time. I believe that you have such a remarkable attitude and outlook on life. Thank you for guiding us all in your gemtle way and ensuring that the aims of the person who founded this wonderful website are always kept alive and well.

And enjoy your new life. I am sure that you will - both of you.

With loving good wishes,

Christiane AR80

19/XII/09 16.00 GMT

well well well nice double post there then

>Very early on I rejected the notion of becoming one of those perpetual widows, tied to the past, still taking their identity from someone else
I'd also like to copy that for my mother. Or I would have, some 10 years ago.

What a remarkable and so very right way of looking at life

*raises the glass once more*

Just you wait Rev, jack russsell until you are my great age and you will probably post them five times. !!

may I wish you everything of the best of the festivities. I hope you have a wonderful time.

Kind regards

Christiane
AR80

21/XII/09 12.25 GMT

to F

And here's to Syn and you too.