h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jingle bells, Jingle magic spells
in the woodland dells and by the wishing wells.
So come and join us at the Christmas party where there's a buffet
and lots of food served from silver trays by Renee and Hosea.

Here we all go happily dashing through the deep freshly laid snow
with our faces all a-glow from the frosty air down to the chateau
in a covered silver carriage being pulled by Buckbeak the hippogriff
who's reins are decorated with hieroglyphs and has a horned quiff.

In the midst of a snowy winter's storm comes the Phoenix
and a class of magical pupils being taught powerful magic tricks.
The Phoenix is our protector, our help and our guide to who we confide
in, who teaches us how to take what comes to us in our stride.

Fairies and hippopotami are not antithetical.
At the water hole, the former are hippothetical.

Frosty the snowman is friends with Dan and Stan
who took him in their van to meet Anne who's their dear gran.
They were served cups of tea with seed cakes and apricot flan
and the lightest sponge cakes that were added with a hint of bran.

Frosty the snowman only comes to life once a year in winter
where he parties all day and night with produce supplied by the vintner.
The local money minter goes and gets leaflets produced by his printer
to advertise Frosty's week long feast in the town's shopping centre.

Frosty the Snowman drank three cups of tea,
Screamed "I'm melting" and was liquid by 3:00.
We poured chilled on Frosty the Puddle,
Restoring him, though he was in a bit of a muddle.

A confused snowman is a sad lot to see.
Let's remember not to give him more tea.

Have a very happy holiday when playing a game of croquet
or even learning how to knit or crochet
with the help or hindrance from Ray and Faye
who will interrupt you with a request to pray.

The merry village bells will be ringing
as the church choir members are loudly singing
about the wonder and joy of costume jewelery blinging
at a jazz party where folk are dancing and swinging.

But please come to the Holiday Inn where we'll make you grin
about the great deal of din we'll make playing on the violin
that will put you in quite a spin when drinking a glass of gin
with your members of your kith and kin who live in homes made of tin.

If you are burdened with all kinds of troubles.
We'll resolve them by putting them in a gigantic bubble
and make sure that health, wealth and happiness will more than double
just by getting rid of all life's baggage and emotional rubble.

We will help you banish the blues by sitting under a yew eating fondue
and a bowl of your favourite broth or stew while learning kung fu.
You may experience quite a bit of ballyhoo when paddling a canoe
due to bouts of deja vu of having invented the Archimedes screw.

Pack all your worries and your load when walking down the road
to meet the toad who lives in a riverside abode accessed by a secret code.
You will have serving of fruit salad that can unexpectedly explode
causing time to become permanently slowed down when the grass is being mowed.

Kick all your stress and cares down the stairs past your rocking chair
when reciting inspirational quotes by Voltaire as you stare at a bear
who has become the borough's mayor that wears a dress and a silk head square.
Go and be a dare and let down your hair when listening to politician's hot air.

Follow your dreams by setting your heart a-whirl by meeting an Earl
who has a cute little kiss curl and will endow with diamonds and pearls.
Just let your life's drama unfurl as you thoughts begin to merrily swirl
listening to the beautiful song of the merle singing to a group of campfire girls.

If you are laid up with your vehicle MOT or unexpected engine breakdown.
Just go and paint the town red in your best ball or dressing gown
wearing a silver or a gold tiara or crown to banish your frown
when meeting your friend Fred the mischievous and comic circus clown.

Don't let your flu/cold or your life situation to get worse
just go and get help from a health advisor or from a practice nurse.
Immerse yourself in various relaxation techniques that are quite diverse.
and by sitting down and reading an assorted range of uplifting and humerous verse.

Silver bells, cockle shells all in a pretty neat row
making a lovely show underneath the thatched cottage window.
Sitting by the log fire gently burning as our hearts are yearning
for a more quiet and peaceful world where hope and joy will be returning
to all lands as people become more connected to nature and each other
as they start seeing each other as their sister or their brother.

The elves have plastic surgery to pass as normal folks.
They just ignore the rudeness when their neighbors tell elf jokes.
Their cousins work for Santa; they pretend they're not related,
Then wake on Christmas morning and pretend that they're elated.

This sad world needs more mercy. Let us let our elves be elves.
They all deserve their dignity, as we all do ourselves.

A seasonal bird haiku:

"Consider the birds",
said the man on the teevee
I'm thinking roast duck

Ducks fly away now,
Escaping rotisseries
And orange sauces.

Sauces for courses
Or should that be horses?

Horse meat, they say, tastes like beef.
Maybe that's true, or p'rhaps just belief.
Some towns have laws where horse-eating's illegal.
I'd never eat one; a horse is too regal.

In one town in Belgium
I dined on cheap steak
It was such good value
I thought it was fake
On asking the owner,
He told me "No way -
horse meat's more expensive -
be off once you've paid!"

I dined on the best free duck
filled with orange and apricot stuffing.
I had it brought to me by delivery truck
in my Xmas hamper brought in with a lot of huffing.

I dined on the best free range duck
filled with orange and apricot stuffing.
I had it brought to me by delivery truck
in my Xmas hamper brought in with a lot of huffing.
The unwrapping of my goodies was quite an ordeal
as there was so much food and drink for me to unpack.
I was able to provide myself and my guests with a wonderful meal
once I found my culinary knack to put me back on track.

The ducks flew overhead.
The fish swam underfoot.
My table still was empty,
Except for forbidden fruit.

I'm feel so sassy and free
like a superhero mutant
on a shopping spree by the sea
having a rant with the Giant ant*

I think I'm about to explode
experiencing this strange cosmic sensation
causing time to be dramatically slowed
with my DNA manipulation and raised aura vibration.

I can taste the tension causing much trepidation
at my empowerment that leads to me experiencing bewilderment
with my daily meditation that gives me great deal of inspiration
to magically weave a sorcerer's garment and fine raiment.

*Giant ant aka The ant man aka Henry Pym

The universe is expanding, so why can't I?
Maybe I need another piece of pie.
Yes, that's it, the missing link.
Plus, I'll have some expanding to drink.