h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yesterday's comments about BoJo made me thoughtful about this year's presidential election - and a bit worried. You see, I've long had a theory about US and European events: namely, that Europeans often end up trying out some harebrained idea first mooted in the US, with less than stellar results. Examples include maths teaching methods, corporate organisational models, and pop psychology. But if youze guys got the weirdly incompetent politicians FIRST, what's that mean for us nincompoops? Could it be a case of life imitating art, as in the Doctor Who episode 'Midnight'?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF9WxnttEj4

Let's hope that the darkness is not knocking on the bus out there...

So here's my Day 2 blog:

Around six pm, a man from Hamburg is ranting about foreigners stealing jobs. Hamburg, New York, that is. Go look it up, he also represents Batavia and Geneseo. Western New York is mad as heck and not about to take it any more, apparently. I suppose they mean the weather, which is particularly bad in that part of the world.. I wish he would shuffle off to Buffalo, he's too noisy. I want to eat my dinner in peace, so I'm going to mute the guy from South Carolina, even though he has a funnier accent than the fellow from Hamburg, and has just made a much funnier joke than I've heard so far. (This man sounds exactly like Foghorn Leghorn from the old Warner Brothers cartoons. That's not an accident. That cartoon character was based on a radio persona developed by a New Yorker with great mimcry skills who went hitchhiking in the Carolinas once...)

Oh, lord, the Lieutenant Governor of South Carolina (aka Foghorn Leghorn) just quoted CS Lewis...he is riveting, in an awful sort of way...'the sleeping giant of America has been awakened and is sounding the tocsin...' Question: how many reporters will spell this 'toxin' tomorrow, and will it be the fault of spellcheck?

I can't escape Henry McMaster (Leghorn), he's mesmerising, as a train wreck is mesmerising...he says, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a dream. This is the real thing.' Oh, Zarquon, I hope he's wrong... he's getting needlessly messianic about Mr Trump...and, no, say it isn't so, he's misquoting Buffalo Springfield, 'There's something happening here, what is...' now departing from lyrics '...is precisely clear...' This is surreal. If you'd told us this would happen in 1970, even the most paranoid among us would not have believed it.

Now they're going to have a roll call, and I'm really going to go eat my dinner without Republicans.

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The roll call is still going on, so I can watch 'X-Files'. Roll calls consist of people bragging about their states, then casting the votes as required by party rules...it's boring for everybody but the state boosters. However, describing Connecticut as 'home of Pez, nuclear submarines and the home of the WWE, where the men are men and the women are champions' is a bit too much like a parody of Garrison Keillor. (He should sue.)

Question: Why are the Northern Mariana Islands allowed to vote in this? You mean we have a lien on the deepest hole in the world? Could we possibly send an exploratory committee there, preferably one-way? And could it include most of the speakers in Cleveland tonight? Please?

I refuse to come back for more of this until Tiffany Trump speaks. I shall have words about her name, and where she went to school.

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Tiffany is my least favourite girl's name. Louis Comfort Tiffany made very nice stained glass windows and pretentious lamps. Two questions remain: why did his mama name him 'Comfort', and why do people name their daughters after living room fixtures?

Tiffany Trump attended Wharton Business School. This is part of the University of Pennsylvania, a high-toned school started by Quakers in Philadelphia. Quakers are very nice people, but they were never big on 'impractical' educations. Hence a business school, I guess. We used to live a few blocks from Penn. It has a nice campus with a great statue of Ben Franklin on it.

http://www.facilities.upenn.edu/maps/discover-penn/ben-bench

I wonder if Tiffany had her picture taken with Ben? Most people do, wedging themselves in between the sage of Philly and the little brass bird on the bench.

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You want a more serious summary? Try the Guardian's live blog:

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2016/jul/19/republican-convention-live-rnc-2016-trump

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Tiffany Trump is speaking. She lives up to her name. Good night.

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Afterwards, Stephen Colbert's entrance said it all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rD6YmQdmTiY

Colbert also explains why Mr Trump said 'vote turtle', and why the threat of show trials by the New Jersey governor is 'spooky'.

A serious omission from this report: events in Cleveland were so exciting yesterday that a half-million viewers checked in to watch the 'condiment cam' stationed near the ketchup and mustard bottles at the convention. Stephen Colbert has the highlights:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1OwfhYfay4&list=PLiZxWe0ejyv9piAKTjsv8FWg06ojgqs1w&index=3

nearly as interesting as watching a plank warp

That about sums it up, Prof.

I'd laugh if it went viral (as they say)