h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

After complaints from Hackney and Lambeth Borough Council about Mu Beta's singing voice ("The prime sound of a polar bear whose frozen his goolies to the ice" - The Observer), the Deathlist committee has declared there will be no music at this year's grand opening, and the audience sit in a sulky silence. Dotted among them, though, are this year's List candidates: Prince Philip engaging in lively discussion with Robert Mugabe; Keith Richards and Michael Winner chinking hip-flasks together; Richard Kiel and Peter Sallis leaning nonchalantly together along the back wall. Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner have declined to sit together and are at opposite ends of the auditorium shooting evil glares at each other and muttering inaudible comments about 'concept albums'. Ric Flair is engaged in intellectual conversation with Steven Hawking, although the consensus is that he's just making it look good. Kim-Jong Un sits alone in one of the boxes, scribbling furiously on a WH Smiths notepad (79p in the Christmas sales).

Indeed, such is the celebrity scattered around that Mu Beta's grand entrance, shorn of fanfare and marked only by the host's chest being thrust out in the manner of one whose necktie is caught in the ceiling fan, is completely unnoticed. The assembled throngs are too busy obtaining Christopher Lee's autograph, listening to Stuart Hall's raconteurous drivel, and trying to polish Mikhail Gorbachev's head to notice that it is time to begin.

Borrowing a wine glass from the small collection accumulating beneath Jilly Cooper's seat, Mu Beta taps it gently for attention. When this fails to attract any interest, he hits it harder, send fragments of broken glass across the stage and into the palm of his left hand which starts to bleed copiously. The subsequent shriek of panic immediately snaps the whole auditorium into attention, but Mu Beta is no longer there, attempting some rudimentary bandaging offstage right. Unfortunately, his chosen rag was recently used to mop up a pool of turpentine and results in another anguished bellow.

Still bleeding copiously, Mu Beta totters, ashen-faced back on to stage. He sways on the spot until someone pushes on a chair and collapses backwards. Unfortunately, he misses the chair by goodly three feet and lies stricken on the stage. The audience begin to wonder if they didn't miss a trick by including Mu on this year's list, and the theatre manager grimly climbs the ladder to reset the 'no accidents in X days' noticeboard.

Unfortunately, Paul Gascoigne comes steaming out of the bar at precisely that moment, barging the ladder out from under the theatre manager, who is left dangling from the lighting bar. In panic, he dislodges the central spotlight, simultaneously plunging a prone Mu Beta into darkness and temporarily earthing a member of the Front Of House staff, who glows briefly blue before being vaporised on the spot. The steam drifts into the lighting box, reducing both technicians to writhing on the floor, try to take anguished gulps of air. The stage manager rushes out from the wings to take control of the situation, but trips over a carelessly-discarded AK47 (Mikhail? Was that you?) and lands prostrate over Mu Beta. Given that the Stage Manager is a rather comely redhead, this revives him somewhat, and - rapidly turning a funny shade of grey, he sits up:

"Goosh....gooor....good ovening, everybody. We'come t'the ListDeath 2013."

He peers around myopically, sees plenty of DeathList nominess alive, well and applauding, but the entirety of the support staff being treated for medical crises, and can't help but feel that something's gone wrong.

"I'd ...er...like...er to grancotulate last year's winner, Hee Sawk...er...C Harke. Hawke. Whatever. Er. Can someone call me an ambulance?"

Obeying the sacrosanct comedy principal, the entire audience - as one - get to their feet and shout "You're an ambulance!" before retiring to a rather good little gastropub down the road. This year's entertainment has been avant-garde, is the consensus, but much better than usual.

Mu Beta, in a vague attempt to prevent himself losing consciousness, whistles a few bars of Ode To Joy, before being interrupted by a council official with a prevention notice.

If indeed, it hasn't already taken place, let the carnage begin.

Comedy principal, eh? Funny school that must be.

D'you know what? I must be getting old. I spelled it 'principle' before deleting it and deciding it was spelled the other way.

B

I called an ambulance from my smart phone



It might take awhile, I'm in America

New game: A87781972
Scoreboard: A87781963
please could everyone read through your own list and let me know of any errors

GB
Assistant to Mu Beta

and thanks to GB, my list looks lovely thank you, better than how it was sent

Oddly enough, I thought some of the people on the list were already dead. Gorbachev? Keith Richards?

That also happens when I'm trapped in a checkout line at the supermarket, and the awful tabloids are trumpeting the last breaths of people like Loretta Lynn and Andy Williams and Doris Day.

Meanwhile, Eli Wallach never gets mentioned, though he is 97 now. He was in "Wall Stree 2" in 2010. Mickey Rooney, who is 92, is getting ready to shoot "The Devil in the fog." He appeared in three new movies in 2012.

Some people die unexpectedly, regardless of their ages. others, like Lena Horne or Brooke Astor, quietly retire from public view, so many people assume they're dead if they think of them at all.

Why spend time trying to figure out who will be next to die? Some people can lie on their death beds for many years, while others, apparently young and strong, burst a blood vessel [John Ritter, for instance] or get chased by paparazzi through a tunnel in Paris.

>> Why spend time trying to figure out who will be next
to die?

Since that's pretty much the point of the game, I think the answer to that question would be 'for fun'.


Geggs

I know. Let's not let the tabloids into it, though. There's one well-known tabloid that predicted Elizabeth Taylor's demise every year *except* the year when she actually did die. That sort of thing casts a shadow over other people's efforts to predict.

Anyway, I don't want to spoil your fun. I'm just pointing out how hard it is to make predictions that pan out. Peace.

Oopps, should have posted on the 2013 thread - just posted this to the 2012 -

OK average age analysis


atinythorn 80.20
Beatrice De'Ath 82.40
C Hawke 82.07
coelacanth 84.47
Galaxy Babe 82.20
Icy North 73.43
loonycat 86.07
MMF 71.93
Mol 78.20
Mr Dreadful 75.87
Mu Beta 85.60
Orcus 84.20
Peanut 71.00
Spiller 80.93
swl 80.20
The Groob 77.73
the_jon_m 77.60


Although Icy North isn't complete average as I am missing the age for Salvatore Iaconesi


5 users have more than one under 50


Icy North 2
MMF 2
Peanut 3
Spiller 2
the_jon_m 3

finally, for now, Nooooooo, the_jon_m how dare you add Kate Humble to your list.

CH

Have to say I abandoned last year's policy of going for unique picks as it gave poor returns. This year's choices are solid, dependable point winners.

You hope

More analysis - users with choices that appear on at least one other list - so in this table, amazingly 12 of my 15 have been chosen by others


C Hawke 12
swl 12
loonycat 11
atinythorn 11
Orcus 10
the_jon_m 10
Mr Dreadful 7
Galaxy Babe 7
Mu Beta 7
Mol 6
Peanut 5
Spiller 5
coelacanth 5
MMF 5
Beatrice De'Ath 3
Icy North 2
The Groob 1

Can I point out that Eli Wallach is on my list

I did consider Mickey Rooney as I saw him introduced to the guests on David Gest's Come Dine with Me dinner party over Christmas and couldn't believe he was still alive.

However, he looked far too well so I rejected him.

I'm pretty sure I saw Patti Page on someone's list...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-20893566

Nope, my mistake. Not on the list.

*Wanders off to find the other thread.*