h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

eggs'actly, it's never been cracked up as it's supposed to be

Edgar Allan Poe was debating whether to read "A visit from Saint Nicholas" by Clement Moore, or "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.

A Raven gave him advice by saying "Never Moore!"

poe used to be under our bed in the "old" days

If your well has run dry, what day of the week is it?

Thirstday

time-warp! it's always punday here

I sent my son to the herb lady with last-minute instructions: get parsley, sage and rosemary if you have thyme.

The Big Bad Wolf broke into a pet shop and ate some talking birds. later he was treated for parrotonitis.

- This Norwegian Blue is a most deceased parrot!
- Well, In that case I guess it's too late to treat it for parrotdentosis.

That's a pity. I was going to treat it to a chocolate covered cuttlefish.

they crossed a lion with a parrot the offspring shouted Polly wants a zebra

Aida was hanged for having an illicit love affair with a pharaoh. They tried to notify next of kin about her death, but they couldn't find her mummy.

What did the Indian chief call the dog who slept in a different wigwam every night?

Rent Ten tents.

Tutankhamun said "I wanted a charity concert like band-aid - NOT bandage"

What musical instrument was buried with Tutankamun?

A tomb-bone.

Having my hair cut for free is the only fringe benefit I receive.

When a snail loses its shell it looks sluggish.

I am always sad when I go to the dentist, so I put on jazz and blues music and listen to it through my blue tooth headphones.

A parrot that goes without breakfast is a polynomial.

Break a bone today and you'll hurt to marrow.

Birds that carry messages speak in Pigeon English.