h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This year I have decided to bring a litte humour onto my page, so I have started the ball rolling with the following.
(Please feel free to post you jokes on here as well)



First one.=
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"

The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"






SECOND ONE= A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:


CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you
receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this
cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to
mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The
caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder
and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working
fine."

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"






Smudger,

OK then, how about this,


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"


Smudger,

OK Lat one, (I promise)


Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly."Last year we shot six and the
pilot let us put them all on board.He had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Smudger,

That tech support stuff is hilarious!!!

Especially for Pedants:
Spell Checker Poem.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the Boys (and girls)

There is a factory in America which makes the 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys, based on the character Elmo from Sesame Street. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you Yesterday".....

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Quotes:
BRAIN CRAMPS


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"

--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

And :

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle

`````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

`````````````````````````````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those now back at work after the Holiday:

BAD JOB, BAD DAY

When you've had an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the instruction sheet that comes with the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested.'

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company‚.

Have a nice day folks and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

* * * * *

For Parents, past present and future and a warning for those without:

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have
forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, ondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down
and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

Websailor

Ah! thanks for joining in the spirit of things folks

Here is another one,=

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6- year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6- year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4- year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Smudger,

I don't know - Rich gets me laughing in the morning, and now Smudger makes me laugh as I sign off and go to bed.

Better go before the neighbours come to take me away ha! ha!

night, night, tight.
Websailor

OK then, here's a couple to keep you going.

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a

speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the

car, he was astounded to see that the blonde

behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that

she was oblivious to his flashing lights and

siren, the trooper cranked down his window,

turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the

doctor's office and said that her body hurt

wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her

left breast and screamed, then she pushed her

elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed

her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed

her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she

touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead,

are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger

is broken."


Smudger,

now youve told all the jokes theres none left for us to tell so we'll just let you carry on because you have loads and they are all good ones
bet you got a joke book from santa
happy new year smudger to you and yours may 2006 be a good one
jinty

Cheers Jinty, and I hope you also have a Goodun

I only posted that two jokes just to keep things going
Smudger,

Hi, Smudger,

Did they really say that

DID I SAY THAT?

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1‚s eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."


Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."


Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."


Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."


Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."


Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."


During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."


Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."


Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"


Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."


The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."


Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."


Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on 'Vets in the Wild', told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."


Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."


Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in the back."


Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."


Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."


Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."


Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."


At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."


Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"


And finally, Is this remark, by Cable TV's John Dykes when Wayne Rooney tried to chip the Gunners' keeper in the last minute of Arsenal's defeat at Everton, the best-ever Seaman pun?: "It must be a young man that tries to lob Seaman twice in two minutes..."

Enjoy!

Websailor

Goodun WS

Here is another one=A Blonde and the Lord


A BLONDE wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in
the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the BLONDE moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the
voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The BLONDE, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, !
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

--------------

Smudger,

OK then, you can read these, but only until some one else posts another joke,=

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

--------------
Right folks, your turn
Smudger,

OK then, just to kill a bot of time waiting for some one else to post a joke, trey this one,=

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.

"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

“This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.”

“At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life.”

“And then you show up and drink the damn poison!”

OK then, just to kill a bot of time waiting for some one else to post a joke, trey this one,=

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.

"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

“This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.”

“At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life.”

“And then you show up and drink the damn poison!”
Smudger,

What happens if you're frightened half to death, twice...??????

Ah! that was a mistake PM I had forgotten to sign it so I tried to delete it and do it again, but as usual I ed it up

Come on folks, where are your jokes then............
Smudger,

Stop bagel theft. Use lox.

OK then, here we go,=

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, Be careful.'"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Or,=A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "Arthritis
Smudger,