Vogon Battle Poetry
Created | Updated Jan 8, 2003
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Vogons at Parties... Are truly quite Weird...
An invite to drink... Should just fill you with Fears...
Because they're reputed to cut off your Ears...
Then pour in Bacardi... And Budweiser Beers!
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Captain Kirk… You're such a Jerk – Episode
3
In Space... No-one can hear you Burp!!
James Kirks'... Staccato... Slow... Elongated... Pregnant pause speech...
To include in this poem... Is too difficult... Even for me to reach...
In James' own words...
'It's…
Not that I,
cannot of course, deliver
a Rhyme... It's just that it's almost
Impossible to know when
to Turn... the
Poetical
Line!'
'But
for the
first time ever...
Crawling on the floor
and smelling like a Skunk!!
There's first officer Spock who
is clearly quite...
Outrageously
Drunk!!'
Spock's next words, Zaphod's favourite, in double stereophonic...
'Would you join me Captain Jeltz, in a last, large Gin and Tonic?'
Jeltz ponders Spock's invite then replies, 'Don't mind, Spock if I do...
It will heighten my pleasure at the ultimate death of your Crew!'
Spock whispers to Jim...
'Jim, just ignore that I suddenly seem to have become all eerie.
I'm fully aware of our American love of conspiracy theory!
But, there's rhyme to my madness of taking to drink...
It relaxes my brain... Vogon thoughts... for to Think!'
'Their words mess with the iambs inherent in prose,
Disrupt rules of Poetry, and get right up our nose.
Yet, exposes their weakness with their lack of Humour,
My reversion to madness with drink, Is thus only a Rumour!'
'Finely tuned Shakespearean plays and also his Sonnets,
Where ladies parade in long dresses and Bonnets.
With Pentametrical style, pace, rhythm and length,
Jim, it's our weakness! But, it's the Vogon Attack Strength!!'
'One side of me, logical, sensible Vulcan and Straight,
Gin subdues propensity to reason and its sharpness dilate.
The other part, Human, with drink enhanced and inclined,
Becomes loud. And lets rip with sexually loaded,
Limerick Rhymes!!'
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Though into tables I seem to keep Crashing...
My head into things I keep Bashing...
Ply me with some More...
Pick me up off the Floor...
And let's give them Vogons a Thrashing!!
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Gin has revealed a counter attack at first slightly absurd.
A viral strain of humorous poem that they've never before Heard.
Bawdy, 5 Line Limerick! Offensive, bold and highly suggestive,
Accurately targeted at their stomach innards and systems digestive!'
The drink starts to stir deep human coiled ... DNA Streams
Inside Spock's brain a tough football fan struggles then screams
In a voice uncharacteristic loud and now suddenly rough
'Oy Jeltz come on then if yer think yer hard enough!!'
Jeltz frowns downs his drink reaches out for microphone!!
'OK Spock, you're a dead half man,
Cause the 'Big Green Guys' starting to drone!!'
But he's quite unaware ... He's now become ... the Hunted
His poems, less fierce, are Gin disabled and blunted!
Jeltz clears his throat then states loud and clear...
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Identical Lambs born together...
As life had just begun...
Lonely hearts separated at birth...
Are now two Sheep... But... Still bleating as One!
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Jeltz waits for the crushing effect on the Enterprise Crew.
However...
Spock laughs out loud, 'Jeltz you retard, Is that the best you can Do?
You see you have mellowed with that drink you've imbibed.
Now I'll deliver my counter attack, 'cause its time has arrived!!’
'Oy.. Vogon Females, Cop a load of this Double Barrelled Ditty!!'
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More Potent than a Battalion...
Shirt Open to flash his Medallion...
You try to Desist...
But cannot Resist...
Captain Kirk... who's hung like a Stallion!
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With his Scalpel... Vogons to Dismember...
Our Doctor's truly of the Male Gender...
He's no longer a Boy...
But the real McCoy...
Since he's enhanced the size of his Member!
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Aboard the Vogon vessel a dozen key operational Crew,
Explode in a mess like micro waved frogs very often tend to do!
And before you all reach for Directory Enquiries looking up entry, 'RSPCA'.
It's just an imagined thought, that's all; forgive desperate rhyming just once... Okay!!
'Hey! All you Vogon Guys...'
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Uhura may seem... all Appealing...
Casually asking... just how are you Feeling...
Then your Guts will Ferment...
With Explosive Events...
And they'll scrape you up... off the Ceiling!
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With the last Limerick still ringing, all remaining Vogon operational Crew,
Can't resist the laughing internally then frictionally dissolve... Into Green Sticky Goo!
All that's left are 'Hard Guy' Jeltz, plus a few select hardened nutters,
Quietly the word, 'Phew'!! Captain Kirk to himself simply mutters.
So, with Spock’s drunken display and Limerick logic now emerging clear.
Both Star ships disabled when destruction was, Oh so near.
You'll just have to wait, Alas, for this tale to conclude,
And ponder, that if left to Spock and his limericks...
The End's probably RUDE !!
To be continued..
