The Squirrels of marduk: Nutshells 16-30 [NAJOPOMO 2016]

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 16

Professor Freudstein was full of sound and fury on the intelligence of squirrels, but to our ears his words signified nothing. Caleb and Florence were looking at their watches now, as if we had overstayed our welcome.

"The rest of the family will be worried about us," Faun said timidly.

"No problem." Spot said, handing each of us a gadget that looked like the sort of remote one would use to open doors or change TV channels. "You press this button to return to your previous location, and that one to come to the anteroom where you entered Marduk."

We rematerialized in Cousin Cosmo's observatory, where the clock had not changed from the time we left for Marduk. "We didn't lose any time while we were away," Joseph exclaimed.

"Maybe we should exchange phone numbers and email addresses," I suggested. "The Mardukians, as advanced as they might be, will have no clue about dealing with Earthlings.."

"Nor Earthlings with them," Florence added.

"Plus, they're likely to panic every time a squirrel goes by," said Faun.

"I suspect that common sense is not a big thing with them," Sibyl said. "You saw how long it took for that professor to get to the point on the squirrel issue. I'm sure they're all like that."

"I think that they have totally failed to understand how squirrels might have been useful for them," I said. "If mankind can tame dogs, break horses, shepherd sheep, and herd cows, why should squirrels be any exception?"

"You mean they should train squirrels to gather acorns for them?" Caleb exclaimed.

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 17

A week after Cosmo's wake I found myself in a car traveling north along the coast of Maine. Most of Cosmo's children were with me. Seagulls circled overhead and dry leaves blew across the road.

"Tell me about your friend," I said to Faun, who had arranged the trip.

"Her name is Bambi, and she does experimental work with squirrels at Acorn Labs on
Oakdale Island near Bar Harbor."

"I expect that squirrel-haters would assume the worst about pain and torture there," I quipped.

"Au contraire," Faun said. "She treats them very well. Her aim is to bring out their latent intelligence."

"Hence the usefulness of her work for our efforts to help the Mardukians," Peregrine said, gazing longingly at the surf. He loved water sports, and hated having to be in a car when he could be enjoying the water, cold though it might be in November.

There was an immense oak leaf on the sign for Acorn Labs when we turned into the access road. The Labs were square and brick-faced, with numerous windows along every side.

Inside, we were met by a smiling white-clad receptionist with a squirrel icon on her
blouse. "Bambi is expecting you," she told us. Take the elevator to the fourth floor and look for lab 42."





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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 18

Bambi led us into the reception room of her lab and urged us not to be too loud. Behind her desk was a window -- which, she explained, was a one-way mirror to prevent her squirrels from panicking at the sight of visitors.

"They are currently being trained, and this takes their full concentration," she explained softly.

My heart sank when I looked through the "window." There was a row of about ten small computers, with one squirrel sitting at each. The keyboards seemed to have unusually large keys, probably designed expressly for squirrel paws.

"I was hoping that squirrel intelligence was being developed without computer technology," I told Bambi.

"I know, I read your letter about the problems on Marduk," Bambi said. "My squirrels are using a different of computer, though. Marduk's computers happened to have military software, which a few unusually clever squirrels probably learned from and taught the others."

"I didn't know that Mardukians had military plans," Peregrine said. "They seemed so peaceful and scholarly."

"They were thorough to a fault," I replied. "They would have included everything from peacemaking to warfare, with hundreds of other things thrown in. The squirrels just got lucky and happened on the war stuff first. At least that's my guess."

"We're all guessing," Bambi said. "Science is trial and error. Lots and lots of error, with occasional success. We've been teaching these squirrels for a couple of years, and it's only been six months since we cracked the squirrel code."

"Squirrel code?" the rest of us exclaimed.

"That's too loud," Bambi cautioned us. "Squirrels can learn a little English, but it's better to decipher the sounds and body signals that they communicate with. This way they can teach each other without using any of our human languages."

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 19

Bambi knew more about squirrels than anyone we had ever met.

"Squirrels can thrive in the biggest cities," she told us. "They learn from observation, make intelligent choices, and remember where they've buried as many as 10,000 nuts, so they can dig them up again when they need them. And they manage all this while being constantly alert for danger from predators."

"But they're deceptive," Faun said. "I've seen them dig holes and pretend to bury nuts there when there were actually none there."

"That's rare in animals," Bambi said, "but squirrels are also capable of trust. They're among the few wild animals that will eat out of your hand."

"Trust, my eye!" Sibyll exclaimed. "They're supposed to hate daffodils, yet they dig up what I've planted and bury them somewhere else. That's why the plants I wanted in front of my house ended up in the septic system leaching field. <yuk>!"

"We've used selective breeding to produce a line of squirrels capable of working with humans," Bambi said. "It's taken a decade to do this, and we still find it necessary to train each one for six months to get them to the point where they can be really helpful."

"But why put them in front of computers?" Joseph asked.

Bambi sighed. "That wouldn't have been my first choice, but the funding I rely on comes from people who want computer-literate squirrels."

"Be afraid, be very afraid," said Peregrine under his breath.

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 20

The ocean was on our left as we headed south toward Boston. The scheme I had been hatching since seeing Bambi's super-smart squirrels was, by common agreement, impossible. We would need enough of Bambi's squirrels to impress the Mardukians with their abilities and willingness to help. The price for developing one such squirrel was $600.00, counting the computer training, for which there would barely be time before next September's Mardukian touchdown on planet earth. We would need at least 100 of the critters, and none of us had that kind of cash.

Then Peregrine had an idea. "Think what we could do if we had five years to work with," he said. "Squirrels reproduce quickly. The females have two litters a year, of about three young each. That's six the first year. The second year, the mother is having six, while the three daughters from the first year are having six each -- 18 for the daughters, and six for the mother. Total: 24. By year four, there should be at least a hundred."

"There are two problems," said Faun. "The first is not having the five years. The second is not having 100 trainers and computers."

"I've thought of that," Peregrine replied. "I can take a couple of squirrels back five years in my time machine. Once they've been trained, they can train their young."

"Using one computer and one trainer?" said Sibyl.

"The Mahatma seemed to be the most perceptive Mardukian," Peregrine continued. "If we could bring the trained squirrels to him, maybe he could find trainers within Marduk. Chances are, the Mardukians have technologists who could copy the computers."

"Or, the Mahatma might think we were nuts," I joked.

"Who's better than a nut when you're working with squirrels?" Peregrine said.

"Let's keep this in perspective," I cautioned. I have neighbors who would not want to know that I was part of a scheme to bring more squirrels into the world. They think there are too many already."

"But we're bringing squirrels into *another* world," Peregrine said.

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 21

When we reached my place in Boston, I put on some coffee and pastries so we could brainstorm further. "It bothers me that we're assuming the Mardukians of five years ago would be receptive to letting squirrels -- even obedient, well-trained squirrels -- into their country," I said. "They would most likely have been paranoid of squirrels then."

"Then why don't we choose one or two of us to go there in the present time with one squirrel?" Faun suggested. "Bambi has one called Cutie Pie, the sweetest, most lovable squirrel in the world. We know that Marduk allows at least a few squirrels in. Spot told us so."

This, it turned out, was a disastrous idea.

No sooner had Faun and Cutie Pie and I reached Marduk's reception room than the air was filled with sirens and alarms. Moments later, the man we had met on the first visit came with two bouncers. "We told you that bringing squirrels into this world was forbidden," he said sternly. "Since you did not honor our instructions, we do not want to see you any more," he said.

As the bouncers made their way toward us, we pressed the remotes and returned to Boston.

"What now?" the others asked when we told them what had happened.

"Perhaps there's a way to disguise the squirrel so we can get past the bouncers," Sibyl mused.

"Can you think of a way?" I asked.

"No, but Professor Crossbridge has the full resources of Wand and Potion at his disposal..."

"This sounds like cloaking, as on Star trek," Peregrine said.

"Whatever works," said Joseph with a sigh.

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 22

Professor Crossbridge was busy teaching when we arrived at Wand and Potion, so we sat around on dark walnut benches in the reception area. Walnut paneling covered the walls, with vintage inset windows. Candles burned in sconces between the windows. Stuffed owls were arranged in nooks here and there. A magic wand hung in mid air above Crossbridge's receptionist's head.

Actually, the receptionist was worth looking at, not because she was attractive, but because we weren't sure what species she was. The wings had colored sections that would have made her a butterfly of fairy, but there was also a green scaly tail, albeit a small one.
She had a beautiful human face, that we could all agree on, except for the nose, which resembled a bird's beak. Hippogrypherflyrie? Dragonharpy? She smiled in our direction every time we thought about her, so maybe she could read minds. Not good!

At last professor Crossbridge entered with his teaching assistant, who happened to be a dog. At least the dog didn't have feathers or scales or fins.

Actually, the dog seemed familiar. Then it hit me: He was Spot the Wonder dog!

"Spot, I didn't know that you taught at Wand and Potion," Sibyl exclaimed, realizing too late that this was a bit rude, as we had not yet greeted Crossbridge, whose office we were waiting in.

Crossbridge began to frown at the slight, then made a realization of his own. "You know Spot?" he said.

"We love Spot!" Faun said happily.

"We met Spot when we visited a planet called Marduk," I said. "He was our tour guide -- a very fine guide, too. We assumed that he lived on Marduk."

"I actually live here at Wand and Potion," Spot explained. "I work as an emissary to many worlds, using my talents to bring them together."

"Spot, we need to bring some worlds together, and fast," Peregrine exclaimed.

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 23

After we explained our project to Spot the Wonder Dog, he was unexpectedly perplexed. "The Mardukians are not going to visit the Earth next September," he said, "nor any September after that."

"I took my time machine to next September and saw some of the Mardukians come down to meet the leaders of the World," Peregrine protested.

"Let me explain as much as I can," said Spot, curling up on an easy chair so he could get comfortable. "Marduk's orbit is a lot like a comet. It approaches the Sun once in a great while, though not once in 1600 years as 'The 12th Planet' would have you believe. It's closer to 100 years, but if I got more specific than that. chances are some squirrels would find out I said it, and they would zero in on Marduk's orbit. We know there are a lot of nasty squirrels somewhere -- probably on Earth -- who want to get back to Marduk. They must not succeed. Sending any of our ships to Earth would be too tempting for them."

Faun whispered something in my ear and gestured to a bump under her coat. "Spot, I can only think of one reason for Peregrine's account differing from yours, namely that some time between now and next September the squirrel menace was neutralized."

"I can't think how that would happen," Spot said.

"We have the nicest, most harmless squirrel anyone could imagine with us today," Faun said sweetly, unbuttoning her coat to reveal Cutie Pie, who looked frightened at all the attention. "Could you possibly spend a little time getting to know her? You can do it better here than on Marduk. If you agree with us that Cutie Pie would be an asset to Marduk, could you try to show some other Mardukian leaders?"

"I'm open to giving it try," Spot said with a thoughtful look on his face, "but that's not solving the problem of the other, obnoxious squirrels on the Earth. Marduk's not coming here as long as that problem exists."

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The squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 24

"It's time to face those awful squirrels," I told the others as we walked away from Wand and Potion's campus. As if drawn by mention of their names, a dozen squirrels crawled to the edge of the lawn, staring at us with no sign of fear in their eyes.

"Or not," Faun said fearfully, hurrying away from the animals.

"Why don't the rest of you go back to the car?" Peregrine suggested. "I have an idea I'd like Paul to hear about."

"An idea that you can't share with the others?" I said in surprise.

"I'd like to take my time machine back to next September, and this time I'd like you to come, too," he said softly. "If there are just two of us, we can escape being noticed by
the powers that be. Plus, maybe we can put our minds together on this."

I couldn't think of any really pressing engagements that would let me beg off of his proposal -- raking the yard could wait, and I didn't exactly have a busy social life. Still, the trip to Peregrine's house to get the time machine might be a hassle.

"I know what you're thinking, Paul," Peregrine said with a grin as the time machine suddenly materialized on the lawn. "Sibyl already knows what I want to do, so she used a spell and brought us what we need."

What the two of us saw in the future was little short of miraculous: Mardukian leaders promising advanced methods for fostering world pace at the U.N., Mardukian scientists bringing technology to reverse global warming, and a tide of good feeling that made me think our two planets would be working together closely for a good long time to come.

What gave me some pause, though, was the sight of Cutie Pie being crowned Queen of the Squirrels and ordering them to be part of the big plan for cooperation....

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The squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 25

The next few weeks were busy ones.

If Marduk was to accept squirrels, someone had to get past their bouncers and convince them. Those of us who had visited them were no longer welcome. And who, exactly, did we need to persuade? Millions seemed to live on Marduk, but we'd only met three or four of them.

Somehow Peregrine got a printout of the words of the receptionist we had met in our first encounter in Marduk. They were not encouraging: . "The interstellar squirrel conspiracy is more cunning than you can imagine. How can we be sure they have not planted microchips in your clothing? If they know where we are, they can attack us..."

"Sometimes the ordinary people in a society are more perceptive than their leaders," Florence said at one of our brainstorming sessions. "If we could broadcast a message by an articulate, non-threatening squirrel -- Cutie Pie seems to fit the bill -- acceptance might begin to happen."

This idea seemed to show promise, and we didn't actually have anything else to go with. So I picked the phone and asked Bambi if Cutie Pie could learn to speak.

"I think she could be trained," Bambi said. "What would you like her to say."

I asked her to give us a few hours to compose a message. Then I asked Spot the Wonder Dog about Internet use on Marduk. "It's the same as that on Earth," Spot said. "The Mardukians see no need for reinventing the wheel. If the Earth has a good system of computers, they send their operatives over to buy whatever they need."

"One more thing, Spot," I said. "What time of the year are the Mardukians most receptive?"

"That's easy. Thanksgiving.'

On Thanksgiving Day, we sent Bambi through the portal to Marduk. Hidden in her jacket was a transmitter that Caleb had rigged up. Before the Mardukian defenses could even register Bambi's presence, the transmitter had sent a signal into the Mardukian Internet with a video of Cutie Pie.:

"Dear Mardukians," she said, "I am not on your planet, and I will never do you any harm.
The transmitter that is sending this message will self-destruct shortly, and no one will know where Marduk is. I apologize for the actions of my fellow squirrels. Life as they knew it on Earth was an endless flight from danger. Almost anything they encountered was a possible predator. You, who have never had to worry about being eaten, cannot know what this was like. When they found their way onto your planet, something in your air or water made them smarter, but not wise enough to rise above their instincts. Then they found your computers, which had software with military applications. They used it to wage war on you, which, after all, was what the software was designed for.

"My name is Cutie Pie. I grew in a lab where scientists were trying to breed intelligent squirrels who could learn to cooperate with humans for the benefit of all. Over time, we hope to help the humans on Earth build back the forests that have been destroyed, care for endangered plants, and help do scientific research in places where humans cannot go. We think that intelligent, properly trained squirrels can help you in similar ways if you will let us. We will wait for your reply to this message. We wish you a happy Thanksgiving, and we wish you the best for the future."


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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 26

"Everybody cross your fingers," I told everyone as Bambi was unceremoniously ejected from Marduk less than a minute after she arrived there. "This might all have been for naught, in which case we can kiss goodbye to any chance of seeing the Mardukians again.

"I could take the time machine back to next September again," Peregrine offered. "To see if the future has changed."

I noticed that Spot the Wonder Dog was fingering his remote. This meant that he was about to leave on another round of interstellar diplomatic work. Maybe he was headed for Marduk this time, or maybe not. It seemed pointless to give him any instructions beyond what he had just seen and heard. I did not know it at the time, but my optimism was about to be severely tested.

The next few days were busy for Bambi, since she had her own work to do, plus that of thinking of ways to explain to her squirrels how important it was to learn new duties. Cutie Pie would also be busy, as she was the most reliable squirrel in the lab, as well as the acknowledged leader from whom the other squirrels learned.

I was bursting to know what the Mardukians were going to do to Spot, given his knowledge of the digital invasion we had just inflicted on Mardukian Internet space. Unless Marduk was substantially more understanding than Earth, there was no guarantee that Diplomats would enjoy immunity when it was suspected that they were spying. Spot was no squirrel, but he had been treated leniently when he wanted to bring squirrels into Marduk. That might all stop now. Worse, Spot's itinerary as a diplomat might no longer include Marduk.

Days went by, with no sign of Spot' Either he had a lot on his plate, or something bad had happened to him.....................


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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 27

My spirits sank very low on Christmas Eve. In the morning, I got an angry phone call from a frustrated Bambi, who had just received a surprise raid by top scientists from Marduk.

"They've taken twenty of my squirrels," she fumed, "probably setting us back at least six months. They made no promise that I would ever see them again, or get compensated for their loss if I didn't. They were high-handed, pompous, and arrogant! Grr!"

"That seems odd," I observed. "Usually they want nothing to do with squirrels. Did they say why they wanted the squirrels?"

"Their leader said, 'We need to closely examine your squirrels to see if they are really as docile as your associates have claimed.'"

"At least they were willing to allow that the squirrels *might* be \okay" I offered lamely.

"I'm in no mood to split hairs," she exclaimed. "If the squirrels come back damaged or spooked or, god forbid, dead, it's on your shoulders. We're talking $12,000 in damages." She slammed the receiver down.

I mentioned Bambi's call when Cousin Oscar's children began arriving for the Christmas Eve party I had invited them to. They were stunned at the news.

The last guest to arrive was one that hadn't been invited or even expected: Spot the Wonder Dog. Or at least what was left of him. He was gaunt and weak; his fur was uncombed, and he wore a look of defeat that broke my heart.

"I take it they spared your life?" I said.

"Barely," Spot said. "At one point I had to hide in the Mahatma's cottage. He is trying to talk sense into his fellow Mardukians, but there's still a lot of squirrel paranoia there."

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 28

Spot found a cozy place to sleep as the rest of us tried to make merry. Our celebration was halfhearted at best, though, and most of us tossed and turned in our sleep that night.

Christmas dawned on a landscape with half a foot of snow and bright sunlight. As we were eating breakfast the phone rang. It was Bambi. She had some good news: "The squirrels are back, and they're....happy!" she said. "Could you come up to my lab today? There's something I would like you to hear."

She wouldn't say more, except something about a Mardukian goddess who had apparently awakened after three thousand years and was ordering the people to make amends for the wrong that they had done.

The traffic was light as we headed up the coast of Maine. "Which ancient goddess do you think she meant?" Caleb wondered.

"I'm not sure there were that many goddesses," Sibyl said. "Mostly they were different aspects of just a few."

"Do you remember the first time we came to Marduk?" I said. "We were told that there was no god named Marduk. I assumed that there weren't any gods at all, and now Bambi is talking about a goddess...."

When Bambi opened the door to her office, she pointed to Cutie Pie, who was leading the other squirrels in some kind of ritual that they had presumably learned in Marduk. We quietly entered the lab itself. Cutie Pie turned to us, her eyes emitting a radiant light.

"Ninhursag has been awakened. She is the great Earth goddess of mountains and fertility," Cutie Pie said serenely. "She has blessed us squirrels, and her instructions to the Mardukians is that they must learn to live peaceably with us. Oh, and she will personally visit earth for the first time in three millennia, promoting good relations with us."

"Or scaring us all half to death," I said under my breath.

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 29

On the first day of Spring, the media and Internet started buzzing with the news that a new planet-sized object had been discovered in the vicinity of Saturn. Minutes after this announcement was made, the Mahatma appeared at TBC (Trivia Broadcasting Network) headquarters in New York to reassure the people of the world that, although the new planet was, in fact filled with lifeforms, the lifeforms were human refugees from a violent era who wanted to live in peace, and who wanted good relations with Earth now. To make the news seem sweeter, the Mahatma said that the visitors would come bearing gifts. Earth's air would become cleaner and sweeter-smelling, advanced technology would make life better for almost everyone, and a breakthrough in animal communication was going to help farmers and gardeners.

The usual nutcases got out their "The End is Near" signs, a sure sign that an end to the signs themselves was not, and never would be, near. "The National Disquieter" and its sister tabloids printed sinister pictures of Mardukians with greenish purple skin, insect-like antennae, and enough legs to make a millipede jealous.

At the United Nations, representatives from 27 countries asked the Secretary General to refuse visas to all extraterrestrials on the grounds that they were sure to be harboring microbes worse than even the Andromeda Strain.

And those were among the calmer reactions.

There is something valuable about giving people time to adjust to things, though.

The months rolled on, as they must do, and by the time August was on the wane things had settled down. Marduk had ceased to be a speck invisible to the naked eye. Now it was easily visible at night. People got used to it. They went out at night expecting to see it.

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The Squirrels of Marduk, Nutshell 30

September came. The big day was at hand. The Sun was barely up in Hong Kong before a very large rocket ship was observed cutting through the sky on its way to the first of its twelve destinations. Mardukian diplomats had spent days negotiating with the United Nations
over visitation sites. China, India, and the United States were easy choices, as nearly three billion souls lived in those countries. Monaco and Liechtenstein, on the other hand, had no reasonable hope of seeing the Mardukians, except on television. Countries south of the Equator were also afraid of losing out, but in the end they got visitors in three cities: Sidney in Australia was a no-brainer. In South America, most of the possible choices were on the east coast: Sao Paolo, Buenos Aires, and Rio de Janeiro, with Lima being the only west coast one. Sao Paolo (the largest) was chosen. Rio was fairly close, and Lima was much closer to Sao Paolo than to Buenos Aires. In Africa, Kinshasa (Dem. Repub. of the Congo) edged out Cairo and Lagos because it was south of the Equator.

These details mattered little to the billions who watched by satellite feed as history was made, gifts were traded, and promises were extended.

A few Mardukians stayed behind when the others returned to Marduk. These were specialists who would set up infrastructure for the improvement projects that would reduce carbon in the air, restore billions of hectares of wasteland to green plants, and find biological controls for pests in farmers' fields.

A few seconds before the Mardukian space ship's hatches closed, a gift from Earth to Marduk furtively slithered inside: cockroaches. Both genders.

If it isn't one thing, it's another.

THE END


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