Paradise is Lost, But We Still Have Blemnox: The Complete Saga
Created | Updated Nov 30, 2013
Chapter 1
When Viola was a little girl, people had often asked her what it was like to be the daughter of a famous inventor. “Are you kidding? Someday he’s going to get himself killed by one of those contraptions he works on!” was what she wished she could have said. Instead, she had said something polite and noncommittal.
Well, her words had certainly become prophetic, she thought now as she rode the bus toward Blemnox, her family’s ancestral estate. Just days ago, her father was putting the final touches on the rocket ship he was working on. He accidentally brushed against the launch button, and now he was heaven knows where. Maybe dead, maybe alive, just not where she could call him when she needed advice or just wanted to talk.
This was not the first time Viola had lost a relative to a freak incident. Six years earlier, her mother had wandered into a massive labyrinth made of hedges on an English estate. Mother had managed to get herself so lost that she vanished. This happened on April Fool’s Day, and the authorities assumed it was a prank. Or maybe Mom had gotten fed up with Dad’s wacky inventions and used the maze as an excuse to escape and start a new life. Viola wouldn’t have minded getting a new life too, but Mom never asked her. Oh, well.
Then there was Viola’s husband, a secret agent who suddenly needed to go into hiding for his own safety. Well, at least Viola still had the house she shared with him -- until a piece of space junk fell on it.
No family, no place to live, that about summed up her life, Viola thought as she watched the scenery passing by. Her grandfather would be waiting for her -- she hadn’t seen him in years. Blemnox had seemed like an odd place when she was little. Ah, there it was, looming in the distance! Viola could see the grand dome now. And the massive Greek columns that were in front of it, holding up nothing much but looking grand and neoclassical. And now she was close enough to see the tiny figure of Grandpa waving at her in the distance.
But why did he have a suitcase in his hand?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2
[The story so far: Viola lost her father, her mother, her husband, and even her house. She has nowhere to go but Blemnox, the venerable mansion where her grandfather lives. As she approaches the house, she sees Grandpa on the front steps with a suitcase in his hand. Could this mean bad news? http://h2g2.com/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F69196?thread=8305293]
“What’s with the suitcase, Grandpa?” Viola asked as she hugged him.
“There’s something I need to tell you, Viola,” the old man said. “We can’t use the house, I’m afraid.”
:”Why not?” There was a lump in the pit of Viola’s stomach now.
“It sort of doesn’t belong to me any more….”
Viola dropped her own suitcase and stood there with her mouth open.
“I lost it in a poker game,” he said apologetically.
As she walked down the marble steps with her grandfather, Viola found herself getting angry. She aimed a thunderbolt of vitriol at him: "Thanks to you, Grandpa, we are now homeless, and likely to freeze to death when winter comes!"
“My wife took the news badly, too,” the old man said softly. “She sold her power tools and moved to a trailer park in Florida. I thought I’d go there and ask for her forgiveness. I can’t ask her to house both of us, though -- the trailer is too tiny for that. So, we’ll go for Plan B.”
“Which is….?”
“We still own the land surrounding the mansion.”
She relaxed. “You once told me that the land extends far enough south that we can live in the camper during the mild winters there."
He smiled ruefully. “You were young then, and my father was busy gambling away most of the land to the south. He also gambled away the camper”
“How about the land to the north? You said there was a lodge at the northern boundary.”
“My father gambled away that land, too. He was an overachiever. Don’t worry, south of here we have an old house that the family lived in before they built Blemnox. We can stay there.” He led the way across vast potato fields, and soon they were at the door of an ancient dwelling.
Link to Chapter 1: http://h2g2.com/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F69196?thread=8305293
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3
[The story so far: Viola has lost or misplaced her parents, her husband has vanished, and even her house has been destroyed. Seeking refuge with her grandfather at Blemnox, the family’s ancestral estate, Viola finds that that haven has been lost as well, because of her grandfather’s gambling addiction. There’s a small cottage at the southern boundary where they can live, however]
“My great-grandfather lived out his last years here,” Grandpa explained. “He could have lived in the mansion, but he was angry at his son and grandson for losing so much of the estate with their gambling. I was eight when he died. He and his brother built the mansion just before the War Between the States.
“Which side did the family support during the war?” Viola asked.
“They couldn’t decide. The Mason-Dixon Line, which separates north from south, runs through the middle of the estate. It even bisects the dining room table. My great-grandfather usually sat on the north side of the table because he was against slavery. His brother, who sat on the south side, was not. They had many arguments, and the only way to keep peace in the family was to stay neutral and hide when the armies marched through the estate on their way north or south….”
“Where did they hide?”
“Come, I’ll show you.” Grandpa grabbed a couple of flashlights and led Viola down the cellar stairs. Opening a door at the bottom, he showed her a tunnel that stretched into the distance. “Knox, Great-Grandfather’s brother, was frustrated with the plantation’s soil, which was worn out from years of cotton and corn crops. He tried to grow deep-rooted potatoes and was disappointed to find that he had to dig down seven feet to get to the potatoes. One day the brothers had a great idea: dig this tunnel so they could come down and pull potatoes from the sides any time they needed them. The tunnel served another purpose that Knox didn’t know about: it was an important part of the Underground Railroad.”
“But that wasn’t literally underground!” Viola protested.
“It was in this case. Runaway slaves could enter from this house, which was technically in Maryland, a slave state, and exit at the other end in Pennsylvania, a free state. Great-Grandfather called the whole affair the War Between the Taters”
----------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 4
[Story so far: Taking refuge from numerous adversities, Viola and her grandfather go to live in an ancient cottage not far from Blemnox, the family’s ancestral home. Every old house should have a secret tunnel in the basement, and this house is no exception]
A87815181
“So this is a secret tunnel,” Viola said.
“Yes,” Grandpa confirmed. “You and I are the only ones who know about it.”
Suddenly Viola saw someone running about sixty feet down the tunnel. “Who are you?” she called out..
The man who was there turned and recognized her. “Viola?” he exclaimed. “I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“It’s Blake, my husband,” Viola told Grandpa as she hurried to meet him. “I came here because my parents are missing and our house was destroyed by space debris. What I’d like to know is why *you* are here?”
“I thought this was the one secret hiding place that no one else knew about,” Blake explained.
“Except for the people I play poker with,” said Grandpa.
They could hear distant voices. The voices turned out to belong to people on a guided tour of the underground railroad. “And anybody who Googles ‘Underground railroad’” added Blake.
“And the Girl Scouts of America, and the Hare Krishnas,” Viola said, nodding toward a bald man in white robes and little girl with cookie boxes..
Two men in conservative business suits entered the tunnel. One was wearing dark sunglasses. He spoke first: “Hello. I am from NASA. I’m looking for the father of Melbourne Blemnox IV.”
“That would be me,” Grandpa said.
“I have good news and bad news, sir,” the man said. “The good news is that your son’s rocket ship discovered an asteroid that was not previously known to science.”
“What is the bad news?” Grandpa asked
“The bad news is that he died on impact.”
Then the other man spoke: “Fortunately, all I have is good news: Melbourne was insured, and his beneficiaries were his father” he nodded toward Grandpa, “and his daughter Viola.”
The insurance settlement was enough to get Blemnox out of hock. Viola turned to Blake to share the good news, but her elusive husband had vanished again.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5
[The story so far: Viola and her grandfather have returned to Blemnox, the family’s ancestral estate. While Grandpa sits on the veranda listening to the singing potatoes,
Viola accepts delivery of KR3BS, the robot butler that her late father has bequeathed to her. KR3BS offers to fix supper, so Viola explores the cellar a while and runs into her Blake, her elusive husband]
A87815181
Delighted to be back in his ancestral home, Grandpa sat on the south veranda, his ear cocked toward the potato fields. “Hear that, Viola?” he exclaimed. “The potatoes are singing.”
“Sure, Grandpa,” Viola said, backing toward the front door. “You just listen to them while I check the pantry. We’ll be needing some supper before long.”
No sooner had she reached the pantry than the doorbell at the north entrance rang. Viola opened the door to see a delivery man with a large rectangular box from her father’s estate. It contained KR3BS, a robot butler that her father had invented. KR3BS was ready to start work immediately, having downloaded everything from the Blemnox archives database. KR3BS told Viola that he would have supper ready in thirty minutes.
She was leery of joining Grandpa on the veranda, so she decided to get better acquainted with the house, starting with the cellar. There she found quilts that probably dated from the Civil War. While she was examining one, a familiar voice behind her said, “Your grandfather isn’t crazy, Viola – well, not *completely* crazy. He really does hear singing, though it comes from the ghosts of slaves who passed through the tunnel under the potato fields.”
It was Blake again. Viola turned and saw him in an old telephone booth, a smile on his face. “Blake, I do worry about you,” Viola told him.
“I’m safe here,” he protested.” Nobody uses telephone booths any more.”
“Superman and Harry Potter do,” Viola retorted.
“Nobody attacks Superman and gets away with it,” Blake said, still smiling. “As for Harry Potter, the last person who attacked him was Voldemort, and look what happened to him!”
Just then, KR3BS rang the dinner bell.
“I can’t believe they still use a dinner bell here,” Viola said, wondering how much more weirdness she could take.
“It’s a good sign, though,” Blake said. “Just the other day you were worried about your next meal, and here it is.”
-------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 7:
[The story so far: Viola and her grandfather enjoy supper in the unique dining room of Blemnox, the family’s ancestral home. KR3BS, the robot butler, has prepared delicious southern delicacies for the south side of the table, and northern dishes for the north side.
Grandma, recovering from an ordeal with quicksand, has arrived in time to join them.]
A87815181
Grandma went to bed right after supper, while Grandfather led Viola and Blake on a tour of the eastern side of the plantation. Here there were bean vines climbing poles and, a short distance away, some apple trees. “Why didn’t you plant the beans next to the trees so the vines could climb them?” Viola wondered.
“We tried that once, and it was a disaster,” Grandpa said. “The beans are Kentucky Wonders, and the apples are Northern Spies. They just didn’t get along….”
“Speaking of not getting along, I wonder why that goose is dive-bombing us,” Viola said, pointing up. Blake drew a gun from his pocket and shot the goose before it could do any harm.
Blake searched the goose’s neck and pulled out a computer chip. He put the chip into a special gadget his espionage agency had given him. “Just as I thought,” he said. “This is an assassin goose, trained to take us out. My enemies know where I am.”
“But….but…..that’s Sneezy!” Viola exclaimed, pointing at the goose.
“Yes, it’s one of the geese from our goose farm,” Blake confirmed, “but it wasn’t my idea to name the geese after the seven dwarves.”
“And the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers,” Viola continued. “Well, there were a lot of geese in the flock.”
“Now there’s one less,” Blake said grimly. “I didn’t tell you at the time, Viola, but I knew the geese intended us harm. That’s why I brought in a wolf to attack them if they tried to harm us.”
“Sparky was a wolf?” Viola gasped.
“Part wolf, part German Shepherd.”
“How would Sparky have stopped the whole flock?” Viola wondered.
“That’s classified,” Blake said grimly. “My employer had other protections in place.
He also had a taste for roast goose, but nobody’s perfect. Anyway, the geese flew away after the house was destroyed because their job was done there. Sparky is now a seeing-eye dog for your third cousin Yolanda.”
As they walked back to the house, Grandma was on the veranda. “I just got a text from your son Jasper,” she said to Viola. “He wonders what happened to the house,” she said.
“Oh my gosh, I forgot that Jasper was coming home for a few days,” Viola gasped.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 8
A87815181
[The story so far: Grandpa shows Viola and Blake the eastern quadrant of the Blemnox estate when, without warning, a goose flying overhead dive-bombs them. Blake kills the goose and confirms his suspicions (l.) that it is one of the geese from his farm in Badkarmastan, and (2.) that it was planted by his enemies to do him in. Grandma calls them back inside with news that Blake and Viola’s son Jasper needs to talk with them.]
Viola didn’t mind going back inside after the goose attack. “Be careful,” she told Jasper over the phone. “Your father and I are at Blemnox with my grandparents. You need to evacuate the area where our house was located – it may be booby trapped. Your grandfather is dead. Your grandmother is still missing. You can stay at their house ‘til it’s time to go back to school. We’ll have a funeral if we can stay clear of dive-bombing geese long enough to plan it.”
The evening was still young, so Grandpa gave Viola and Blake a guided tour of the house. “Here is the hall of mirrors, patterned after Versailles,” he said, showing them a tiny room barely six feet wide and twelve feet long. The walls were, as promised, covered by mirrors. “My ancestors would have built a bigger hall, but they didn’t have enough mirrors to fill it.”
“Couldn’t they have bought more mirrors?” Viola asked.
“They did, but my great-grandmother kept breaking them by singing too many high C’s whenever she saw mirrors. Now, this next room is the pantry. My ancestor had hoped for a ceiling mural like that of the Sistine Chapel. His brother had vetoed the idea elsewhere in the mansion, and this was his last shot. There was only one artist in the Blemnox area at the time, and he specialized in landscapes. My ancestor suggested a depiction of Hannibal crossing the Alps with soldiers and elephants and all. -- plenty of landscape in that idea.
Turns out the artist couldn’t do elephants – no models to work with. An army of cabbages and pumpkins is what he came up with. Nice theme for a pantry, though.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 9
[The story so far: After telling Jasper to go to his grandparents’ house, Viola tours the house with Grandpa. She sees the Hall of Mirrors and the ceiling murals in the pantry.]
A87815181
“How often does Grandma go golfing,” Viola asked Grandpa on the way to breakfast the next morning.
“She doesn’t,” Grandpa replied. “Thinks it’s too boring. But she likes the golf cart, it’s faster than her solar-powered moped. I expect she was on her way to go water-skiing. She’s one of the Gonzo Grannies. They do that every Thursday.”
When Viola got to the dining room, she looked through the window and saw someone walking across a high wire in the yard. Looking closer, she realized that it was Grandma.
“She also likes to walk the tightrope,” Grandpa said diffidently. “You should have seen her when she was younger. She once did it while juggling six cheesecakes in a hurricane. I made her stop juggling cheesecakes after that.”
“Because she got them wet in the rain? Or dropped them?’
“No, they were in waterproof boxes. I just got tired of cheesecakes. It took an awful long time to get them used up. Danger doesn’t faze her. She wanted to be a bomber pilot in the war. They said no; somebody could get hurt. She settled for helping make bombers, like Rosey the Riveter. Still makes a lot of stuff. I’ll show you her workshop.”
Her workshop turned out to be a shed. “She doesn’t make airplane engines anymore,” Grandpa confided. “Just anti-woodchuck missiles.”
Next to the shed was a building with a picture of a lion on it. In front of it were a whip and a chair. Grandpa pushed a button, and a roaring sound began. “So she tamed lions, too?” Viola exclaimed.
“For a while,” Grandpa sighed. “We ran out of money treating the lion for stress. Now she just pretends to tame them, hence the recording.”
When they got back to the house, another bequest of Viola’s father was being delivered. This was a two-passenger supersonic plane, which Grandma had signed for and was now fueling up.
“How on earth will we use a plane?” Viola exclaimed.
“I helped your father make this plane,” Grandma said, opening the cockpit. “I was also the test-pilot. I’m on my way to pick up Jasper. Why should he rattle around in an empty house when he could be here with us?” With that, she used a service road as a runway, and was soon out of sight.
“Come back safely, Amelia Blemnox,” Grandpa said under his breath.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 10
[The story so far: The glories of Blemnox, Viola’s ancestral estate, take a back seat to what she is discovering about her grandmother, a self-styled “Gonzo Granny” who doesn’t fear much of anything. But is this a sign of great wisdom and talent, or of suicidal foolhardiness? Viola wonders as she watches Grandma walk a tightrope, then sees where the old woman used to tame lions. Viola’s apprehensions grow when Grandma boards the supersonic plane Viola’s father invented and flies off to fetch Viola’s son Jasper. ]
A87815181
It was mid-afternoon at Blemnox, and Blake realized that he hadn’t seen Viola since lunch. Then he saw her, standing a couple hundred feet to the north of Blemnox, looking up. “You seem concerned about the roof,” he said as he approached her. ”Are there some loose shingles?”
“I found some old lithographs in the basement,” Viola said, holding them up, “and I’ve been comparing them with the exteriors of Blemnox. I think I know what the architects intended to convey with the building.” Taking Blake to the south lawn, she showed how much the building resembled Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s homestead. Then she showed how much the East façade resembled the White House in Washington, D.C. “When you came out just now, I was looking for similarities with Peace Field, the house that John Adams built in Quincy, Massachusetts. I think this north side resembles it a bit.”
“So, Blemnox was built by people who couldn’t make up their mind what they wanted their building to look like?” Blake said with an amused smile on his face. “They settled on copies of famous buildings for different sides of it?”
“Copies would be too generous a term,” Viola said. “They weren’t up to the task of real copies, but their ambitions were honorable enough. It’s not a bad-looking building as long as you don’t look at it from any of the corners.”
The western side presented a problem. It resembled none of the lithographs. “This must have been the original part of the building,” Viola said happily. She thought many of her ancestors had been crazy, but she couldn’t help feeling a bit of pride that, when they tried to create something on an epic scale, they mostly did all right.
“It’s not as good as the others,” Blake remarked.
“If it’s good, it’s not original, and if it’s original it’s not good,” Viola conceded. “Still, the workmanship stood up to the elements for at least 150 years. They must have had good carpenters and mason.” She backed up to take another look, and found herself brushing up against a tall hedge. Turning around, she saw a series of hedges that formed a labyrinth. And twenty feet into the labyrinth she could see a scarf that looked like one her mother used to wear…..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 11
[The story so far: Viola shows Blake how similar the facades of Blemnox are to classic American homes such as Jefferson’s Monticello, the White House in Washington, D.C., and John Adams’s “Piece Field.” The west side, however, doesn’t seem to resemble any other buildings. However, it sits next to a hedge labyrinth, which contains a scarf that resembles one owned by Viola’s mother.]
A87815181
“Blake, I feel sure that my mother is in this labyrinth,” Viola said. “I must go and find her.”
“Because you think her scarf is there?” Blake exclaimed. “Maybe other people had scarves just like it.”
“It’s monogrammed with her initials,” Viola pointed out, “and I smell her perfume on it.”
“I have to go with you, then,” Blake insisted. “My employer now thinks that our enemies are going to try to get at me by attacking you. Let me come with you. I will keep you from harm.”
“What are these enemies like?” Viola asked as they wandering down pathway after pathway. “I’d like to know what to look out for.”
“Words cannot express how odious our enemies are,” Blake said sternly. “Even when they’re trying to be *nice* they fall short. They put ketchup on rhubarb, refuse to recycle, and wear white after Labor Day.”
“Let’s have them over for dinner.”
“Murder would be on the menu. But seriously, you’ve seen how good they were at corrupting our geese and destroying our house. Our enemies are behind most of the assassinations in Badkarmastan.”
“Only most?”
“It’s a competitive field.”
“That’s why the obituary section in the daily paper is so large. We aren’t in Badkarmastan any more, though. One goose has attacked us here, but since then nothing else has happened,” Viola said.
“It’s a plus for them that we’re out of Badkarmastan. I used the chip in that goose’s neck to create a goose-detector, so we’re safe on that front. My employer wants me to stay here and make sure you are safe.”
“Yes, but where is *here*?” Viola lamented. “We’re lost. In this labyrinth. Just like my mother was.” Just then her foot struck the handle of a trap door in the ground. With deep sighs, they opened the door and descended a ladder to a tunnel which led to the basement of the house. Just as they got up the stairs to the main floor, there was a deafening boom.
“What was that noise?” Viola exclaimed.
“A sonic boom,” Blake said. “Your grandmother has returned, plus our neighbors are going to be up in arms at all the noise her plane is making.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 12
[The story so far: Viola, sure that her mother is in the labyrinth she has discovered,
onsists on going in to find her. Blake reveals that his employer has assigned him to
stay as close to her as possible for her own protection. He paints a grim picture of the enemy’s odiousness. At the center of the labyrinth is a trap door which leads to a tunnel into the basement of the house. As they reach the main floor, they find that Grandma has returned with Jasper.]
A87815181
Grandma and Jasper got out of the plane to great rejoicing from the other family members. Jasper had his father’s square jaw and blond hair, his mother’s violet eyes, and his great-grandmother’s fearlessness. He would need the fearlessness when the girls came at him and their ex-boyfriends attacked him for stealing their affections, Viola reflected. If any 18-year-old boy was a chick magnet, Jasper was one.
“Happy birthday, Mom!” Jasper said, thrusting a package into her hands.
“Oh, my word, I had forgotten all about my birthday,” Viola gasped.
Just then a van drove up and a uniformed messenger got out. “Viola Mardachi?” he asked, looking around.
“That’s me,” Viola said.
The messenger proceeded to sing:
“Viola, may violets adorn
Each gown that you ever have worn.
Happy birthday to you.
You are now 42.
I remember the day you were born.
--An Admirer”
As the messenger drove away, Viola tried to make sense of what had just happened.
The annual birthday messages had started after her mother had disappeared. She assumed that they were from her father. But now Dad was dead. Who else was still around who might remember when she was born? Not her grandparents. They had been far away at the time.
Viola offered to show Jasper around Blemnox, as he had never seen it before. He looked at the house from all four sides, but he liked the west side the best. ”Cool!” he said. “This side looks just like the Alamo!” he burbled.
“Good heavens, I forgot the Alamo,” Viola exclaimed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 13
A87815181
Even if Viola had forgotten about her birthday, KR3BS clearly had not, for the dinner that ensued was spectacular by any stretch of the imagination: trout almondine (using fish from the lake just north of the house), potatoes au gratin, ratatouille from vegetables just harvested from Grandma’s kitchen garden, and a marvelous four-story cake that had been delivered by the same anonymous admirer who had sent Viola the singing telegram.
Just before the first course was served, Grandpa cleared his throat and said, “My dear family, nothing makes me happier than to have you here. I know that many of you have had your lives turned upside down lately. My own life hasn’t exactly been serene. Viola and Blake and Jasper, you are welcome to stay here as long as you want. As far as I’m concerned, this is your home now….”
There was an enigmatic smile on Grandpa’s face that meant he knew more than he was saying, Viola thought. What if another branch of the family challenged Grandpa’s will someday, forcing Viola out? Had Grandpa arranged something against that eventuality? She glanced at Blake, who seemed as unconcerned as Grandpa was.
Just as Viola was about to blow out the candles on the cake, there was a knock on the door. “Viola Mardachi?” said the messenger who stood in the doorway. “I have a whaling ship for you, a bequest from your late father’s will.”
Don’t you just hate it when people deliver whaling boats during dinner? Viola thought as she signed for the ship. “Where on Earth shall we put it?” she asked the rest of the family.
“Put it in the lake,” Grandpa urged.
“Won’t it need to be tied up at the dock?” Viola wondered.
Blake and Jasper offered to go out and tie it up. Grandpa joined them.
Great, thought Viola. Here is this birthday cake blazing merrily away, and half the family is out whaling. Grandma leaned toward her and said,“Viola, when I was a little girl I wanted to work on a whaling boat.”
“Wouldn’t that have been hard on the whales?” Viola exclaimed.
“Well, I thought of being the one who fed them. Come to think of it, wouldn’t it be cool to stand on the deck of a ship and feed the fish?”
Viola thought of a wish and blew out the candles.
------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 14
A87815181
“How do Grandpa and Grandma manage to run a large estate like this alone?” Viola said to herself as she lay in bed the next morning. She remembered dozens of field hands and some kitchen staff when she visited Blemnox as a child. Of course, much of the land had been gambled away by dissolute ancestors since then. Still, there were no longer any visible servants, just her grandparents, who had to be close to ninety if not already there. And yet the place did not look run down.
When Blake woke up he saw the expression on her face. “A penny for your thoughts,” he said.
“You may want to keep your penny,” she said. “If my grandparents have strokes we’ll need to hire nurses. They have no servants. How does this place keep going with just my grandparents running things.”
“KR3BS has some tiny droid helpers,” Blake said. “They were in the box that he was delivered in. I saw them picking potatoes and tending the gardens yesterday. I think one of them caught last night’s trout. Plus, you and I and Jasper are here now. But I agree there are plenty of challenges. I saw some enormous snails the other day. It’s amazing that this place has any crops left.”
“Those are Wuheebies,” Viola said. “They ride around on go-carts. They’re fairly helpful, actually. They feed on the butternuts that grow next to Bitterwater Pond. Maybe Grandpa has taught them to tend the fields. They used to bring him into the house when he got drunk and fell asleep under a butternut tree. That was my last memory of Blemnox. My mother didn’t like it that I saw Grandpa drunk. She stopped bringing me here after that.”
Viola and Blake could tell something was up when they went downstairs for breakfast. Jasper and Grandma were waiting expectantly by the door. Sure enough, the doorbell rang just as KR3BS arrived with sausages and home fries. Looking out the window, Viola saw a “Pool Fish R Us” van parked outside. Grandma was signing for some large goldfish.
“At least Grandma will have some fish to feed now,” Viola said.
No sooner had the van pulled away than another one came delivering amplifiers
and musical instruments. Jasper signed for these.
“Where did Jasper get the money for all that equipment?” Viola wondered.
“Um, we had a little talk when we went out on that whaling ship last night,” Blake said. “The cabin would be a perfect place for Jasper’s band to play. I gave him my credit card. I, er, offered to play the bass.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 15
A87815181
After breakfast, Grandpa sat on the veranda with Viola and Blake. “It says in today’s paper that assassinations are getting out of hand in Badkarmastan,” the old man said.
“Oh? How can they tell?” Viola said.
“This sounds serious,” Blake told her. “My employer will probably call me back there.”
“I guess your musical career will have to be put on hold,” Viola said. “But what about the enemy’s evil intentions toward me?”
“My employer will download some early warning software into KR3BS,” Blake said as a black car drove up and two men with dark suits and sunglasses got out. The car seemed to be towing a horse-carrier, but what emerged from it looked like a camel, not a horse.
“Greetings,” said one of the men in sunglasses. “The King of Badkarmastan sends his regards and wishes to thank you for agreeing to return so order can be restored to his kingdom. This camel is a small token of his appreciation.”
“What will we feed the camel?” Viola asked, putting off for the moment her concern at getting so little warning of this move.
“Camels eat rats,” Blake said. “I’d be surprised if a place this big didn’t have enough of them to keep a camel alive.”
“When I was a little girl I dreamed of marrying a Polish or Hungarian Count,” Viola said.
“Why those two nationalities?” Blake asked.
“It depended on which accent I was most taken with at the time. Either way, I wouldn’t now be dealing with a camel and an absent husband. I love you, Blake, and I know your work pays the bills. I just wish I had had time to get ready for this.”
“My forebears didn’t come from exotic Warsaw or Budapest,” Blake said, “just a long-forgotten Baltic country named Litestvia.”
“Funny, but Grandpa says our family came from that country, too,” Viola said.
“We should compare notes sometime,” Blake replied as he rode off in the black car with the men in the dark sunglasses.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 17
A87815181
In the days that followed, strange things continued to arrive at Blemnox, courtesy of Viola’s father’s wild imagination and inventive prowess. There was the merry-go-round that featured unicorns and centaurs. Then there was a miniature model of Mount Everest with an ice cream parlor at the back. A coffee shop disguised as a pyramid arrived the day after that.
“Why would my father invent all these things?” Viola wondered as she sat on the veranda with Grandpa. “This family can’t possibly use all of them.”
“Seems pretty clear to me,” said a voice to their right. Coming up the walk was Cousin Yolanda, accompanied by Sparky – the dog that she had rescued from Viola’s house in Badkarmastan – and a young man in a business suit. “He expected to inherit this place some day, and he was getting ready to turn it into a theme park,” Yolanda explained. “Then he got shot into space and there was nowhere to deliver these things to except here.”
“He told me about his plans, but I couldn’t see how they would be practical,” Grandpa said. “Why would anyone want to come here, even with these contraptions to see?”
“I expect a lot of people will, once they’ve seen the new book about the Blemnox Family,” said the young man, shaking hands all around. “I’m Yolanda’s brother. My name is Scribner Random Blemnox, but everyone calls me Scribbles. I run a publishing house that is releasing this book next month.” He handed copies to Viola and Grandpa.
“Blemnoxed: How I Married Into America’s Wackiest Family” was the title. On the cover was a picture of Grandma and the camel on the whaling ship, with an older version of Viola standing in front of it. She was identified as Ravena Blemnox.
“That’s my mother,” Viola exclaimed. “She must have taken that picture!”
Grandpa turned a few pages and saw something that made him turn white – well, whiter than he already was. “Viola, before you read any further, there’s something I need to tell you,” he said weakly.
It was too late. “It says here that I married my cousin!” Viola said, putting the book down in a rage. “Grandpa, you must have known, but you never told me!”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 18
“Melby!” said an old man who was hobbling up the front walk, cane in hand. “I see you have company.”
“This is family, Forty,” Grandpa said. “I’d like you to meet them.”
“I remember you,” Viola said to the old man, rushing over to help him climb the veranda steps. “You used to play poker with my grandfather.”
“Still do,” was the cheery reply. “In fact, it’s time for our weekly game.
“Forty isn’t just my poker buddy,” Grandpa told Viola, “he’s also my cousin. His great-grandpa and mine were brothers.”
“My real name is Knox Mardachi the 4th,” the old visitor said. “I ran a landscape gardening company until I retired, and my son runs it now. I hoped Blake would run it someday, but he has a career that takes him to faraway places.” He sighed.
“Wait,” Viola said, struggling to put these new pieces of the puzzle into place. “Are you Blake’s grandfather?” Forty nodded. “Then it’s true that I married my own cousin,” she said to Grandpa.
“Its true,” Grandpa said. “Blake’s real name is Knox Mardachi the Sixth. I was afraid you’d think something would be wrong with your children if you married a cousin. Obviously, Jasper is fantastic. I just thought I would let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Why is his last name Mardachi, rather than Blemnox?” Viola exclaimed.
“Why don’t we come into the parlor and I will explain it all,” Forty said.
---------------------------------------------------
Chapter 19: Viola’s First Question
A87815181
The parlor walls had been painted by the same artist that had put pumpkins and cabbages on the ceiling of the pantry. Here, however, he had painted a profusion of magnolias and honeysuckle, with occasional white cotton bolls. Viola looked behind the piano and saw that someone had painted a koala bear playing chess with a penguin. This was probably added later by a mischievous or bored family member, and the parents had moved the piano there rather than remove the strange image.
When the family had settled itself in the room, Viola starting asking questions: “Why did my mother disappear the way she did?”
“She felt like an outsider, Viola,” Forty said. “She thought her father-in-law drank too much. She was sure her mother-in-law belonged in a circus or nut house rather than a historical building that was registered in two states. Her son-in-law had a career that she considered too dangerous. One day she dropped in on her husband’s workshop and he let it slip that he was going to turn Blemnox into a theme park some day. That was the last straw. She staged her disappearance in a famous labyrinth and came here to plan her next step She was intrigued by the labyrinth we have. I happened to be trimming the hedges when I saw her. She explained her plight.”
“I was on the estate that day as well,” Scribbles said. “She told me she wanted a career as a writer. My advice was that truth is stranger than fiction, especially as regarded the Blemnox family. She wrote her book and waited for her husband to inherit the estate, at which point the book would help publicize the theme park and also sell millions of copies. Instead, her husband died unexpectedly in a highly visible way.”
“Nothing expected ever happens in the Blemnox Family, Viola,” cousin Yolanda said sympathetically.
“We pushed up the publication date, knowing that her husband’s inventions would be delivered to Blemnox as stipulated in his will.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 20: Viola’s Second Question
A87815181
“Second question,” Viola said.”How did she find out about the family’s past, when key elements of it were unknown even to me?”
“I’m afraid that was my fault,” Forty said. “Your mother knew that I was Blake’s grandfather. That was no problem for her. However, one day I let it slip that my great-grandfather had been the brother that helped Melbourne the First build Blemnox.
“I persuaded your mother to come out of hiding and let the family know about her book,” Scribbles said, “but when she found out that you and Blake were cousins she changed her mind.”
“Why?” Viola asked.
“Because that meant Jasper had a double dose of Blemnox genes. He was likely to go rogue.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 21: Viola’s Third Question
A87815181
“Third question,” Viola said. “Why did one brother take the family Blemnox, while the other became a Mardachi?”
“For that, we need to go way back,” Forty said. “Melbourne and Knox were the sons of Augustus Mardachian, who grew up in a small Baltic country called Litestvia. Augustus excelled in everything he did. Most people would have thought this to be a blessing, but Augustus just found it hard to choose a career path. His father urged him to be like Thomas Jefferson, an American whose wide-ranging abilities had helped him rise to the top. There was one catch: there was no top for Augustus to rise to in Litestvia, a country
ruled by royals so confused that they often got lost in the forest moving between their many castles. Augustus could only join that family by marrying a princess who would probably
get hopelessly lost and be written out of the family along with her husband.
“Go to America,” Augustus’ father urged. “They need another Thomas Jefferson, as the previous one died in 1826.”
“So Augustus sailed for America, arriving in the state of Maryland in 1838. He married a woman that he met on the ship, and looked for a place to live. There was growing tension between the northern states and the southern ones. If they went to war, it would not pay to live in a state that was on the losing side. Augustus bought contiguous land in Maryland and Pennsylvania, ensuring that half of his plantation would belong to the winning side no matter which way the war went..
“In 1839, Knox and Melbourne were born. Augustus proudly wrote out their names for the town clerk and was horrified to find that his handwriting was misinterpreted. His a’s came out as e’s, making the children’s surname ‘Merdechien.’ This was ruinous! Anyone familiar with French would think the family name referred to dog poop. Casting about for solutions, Augustus came up with the idea of renaming the family by combining the first four letters of the sons’ first names. This led to such possibilities as ‘Knoxmelb’ and ‘Melbknox.’ Then he tried inverting ‘Melb’ and dropping the k in ‘Knox.” The result was Blemnox.
“This seemed like a good solution for a while. The brothers grew up, built the Blemnox mansion, and farmed the land. They grew quite wealthy. Then the Civil War came along. Melbourne sided with the North, Knox with the South. When the North won, Knox grew discouraged with his family's whole plan. He changed his name, dropping the last two letters from the original name. Melbourne tried to talk him out of it. This led to a rupture between them. Knox Mardachi moved away and was never seen again.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 22: Your Father Was Out of This World
A87815181
The memorial service for Viola’s father took place in the planetarium on the top floor of the house. Relatives came from far and near to express their sorrow or satisfy their curiosity.
“It’s a pity the rocket went up before your dad finished the space station,” said Cousin Copernicus.
“Space station?” Viola exclaimed. Some amazing things had poured into the Blemnox estate lately, but this was news to her.
“Your father felt that the Blemnoxes should be the first family to have a space station,” Copernicus said.
Then a third cousin once removed wondered if it was true that Great Aunt Fissurelda
had seen Princess Anastasia drive a solid gold Yugo through the raspberries. Viola had no answer for this and was grateful to be rescued by a familiar voice behind her which said, “It was too dark to tell, but the woodchucks know the answer.”
Viola turned around. “Hi, cousin,” she said to Blake.
“I wanted to tell you, but Grandpa wouldn’t let me,” Blake said apologetically as he hugged her.
Viola shrugged. “I figured as much. You‘re a secret agent. If you weren’t good at keeping secrets I’d be a widow by now.
“So this is the planetarium,” Blake said, leading his wife to a corner where there weren’t quite so many people to overhear them.
“It looks different than it did when I visited as a child,” Viola said. “They’ve moved the telescope to make room for the well-wishers. My Dad invented the telescope when he was 17. He claimed to have discovered five planets that nobody else had ever heard of.”
“Maybe they’ll turn up some day,” Blake said.
“Maybe he’ll turn up living on them. I wouldn’t put it past him to survive landing on the asteroid and setting up shop there. Or maybe he’ll come back here.”
The press, armed with advance copies of Viola’s mother’s book, had tried to crash the service, but Uncle Forty had six brawny grandsons who were able to keep most of them out. There was no danger of anyone sneaking onto the estate, as the neighbors had erected tall fences around the perimeter to help them pretend the crazy Blemnoxes weren’t there.
One particularly pushy reporter had gotten through, however. At the moment he was pestering Grandfather about how much he drank -- this issue had been raised in the book. Grandfather was angry at such a question, but Forty came to his rescue. “Melbourne stopped drinking after the vineyards died,” he told the reporter. "And if you want to know why they died, you’ll need to ask our website.”
Viola rolled her eyes at this. Forty’s son had set up the website, which was getting thousands of inane questions a day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 23
A87815181
“In a way, I wish Dad *had* finished the space station,” Viola told Blake. “I could be up there now and not have to hear some of the rubbish these people are saying. Next thing you know, they’ll be spreading rumors about Jasper.”
“Viola, I want you to listen to me,” Blake said, taking her by the shoulders. “Jasper is the greatest kid ever. He will never go rogue. I know you have issues with your branch of the family, but mine is rock solid.”
“What about your grandfather’s collection of cuckoo clocks?” Viola retorted.
“Don’t you like the Lincolnesque cuckoos with top hats and beards?”
“Those I like. I’m talking about the ones with ski masks and chain saws.”
“He made those for a Hallowe’en party. Come, let’s go out on the balcony and look at the stars.”
As they brushed by mourners on their way to the door, Viola smelled a familiar perfume and turned toward an older woman in a black cape and a scarf that covered her hair and most of her face. The violet eyes were a dead giveaway, though. “Mom!” Viola exclaimed, her heart standing still.
“Viola, I’m so sorry,” Ravena Blemnox said. “Can you ever forgive me? I left the scarf and the lipstick so you’d know I was still alive.”
“Mom, I can’t believe you were staying at Blemnox all along,” Viola blurted out.
“Hiding in plain sight,” the older woman admitted.”
“I worried a lot, though. That is, when I wasn’t worried about Blake getting killed or Grandma breaking some bones or Dad turning himself into something unmentionable in his lab.”
“The eulogies start in fifteen minutes,” the minister broke in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 24
A87815181
Blake and Viola watched the stars from the balcony, their backs to the planetarium where the memorial service was about to begin.
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you for a long time,” Viola said.
“What is it?” Blake said, turning to her with a fond but perplexed look on his face.”
“How many people know that you’re a secret agent?”
“Hundreds, maybe thousands. Why do you ask?”
“How can your line of work be a secret if everybody knows it?”
“That’s why it’s a brilliant cover. In Badkarmastan, everyone thought I was lying, so they assumed I really *wasn’t* a secret agent. But I really am one, and will keep telling people I am.” He kissed her.
“You know, I was never completely happy about the neighborhood we lived in.”
“You didn’t like Kaput?”
“Don’t get me wrong. Amok looked even worse. It’s just that….”
“Viola, what would you say if I told you a space capsule is about to land in the lake.”
“It’s probably a distant relation arriving for the memorial service.”
“No, more like a close relation. That looks like your father’s work.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 25
A87815181
Mourners poured out of the planetarium to watch from the balcony as a space capsule gentle wafted down toward the middle of the lake, held aloft by a parachute. Grandma had the presence of mind to turn on every light on the estate. As Scribbles and his camera crew filmed the scene that was unfolding, Viola and Blake and Forty’s grandsons raced across the field.
They reached the deck of the whaling ship just as the capsule touched down on the water with a gentle “Whoosh!” The top hatch popped up to reveal Melbourne Blemnox the Fifth – known to family and friends as “Bottles” -- as he removed his space helmet and waved.
He was greeted by Moby Dick, the animatronic whale who seemed to know every song Sinatra ever sang. As Moby sang “Fly me to the Moon,” Viola and the Mardachi men got the ship across to where the capsule was bobbing. The camel, who stood calmly on the deck of the ship, watched with interest as if things like this happened every day in Badkarmastan. They had no equipment for reaching Bottles, but the camel reached its long neck across the water and gingerly gripped the spaceman by the back of his space suit. In the distance, rescuers and onlookers alike could see reporters and public service personnel approaching in helicopters.
Reporters arrived on the scene in time to see Bottles ride the camel up to the front steps of the house, where he posed for pictures and gave interviews.
“Leave it to Dad to fix his space ship on that asteroid and get back to Blemnox,” Viola said to Blake as they rested from their exertions on the south lawn.
“I have to hand it to you,” Blake said. “You’re the one who imagined your father surviving his ordeal and fixing his rocket. You nailed it, Viola!
Viola wanted to feel good about this, but she noticed some familiar faces approaching her: the man from NASA and the insurance agent who had given her money from her father’s life insurance policy……
-----------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 26
A87815181
“Mrs. Mardachi,” the insurance agent began, “We don’t like doing this, but the money we paid you after your father’s demise will need to be repaid. Not immediately, of course, but within a reasonable time.”
“Is your father available to talk to?” the man from NASA asked Viola.
“He’s giving interviews,” Viola said. “I imagine that several billion people worldwide are listening in.”
“NASA has been quite interested in that rocket he launched a few days ago,” he said. “We were concerned that he might have broken some aeronautic regulations in doing so, but the launch seemed accidental, and we assumed your father did not survive. NASA may be willing to drop any charges if your father agrees to help us with our space program.”
Looking toward Blemnox, Viola and Blake could see more and more spotlights being set up. Mourners rubbed shoulders with paramedics, policemen, and media people. People from nearby towns were also starting to stream in, many of them anxious to buy autographed copies of Ravena’s book. By her side, Scribbles was happily counting book sales and placing rush orders for additional printings.
KR3BS had brewed gallons of coffee and prepared a ton of food for the memorial service in the planetarium, but now everyone was on the front steps or watching from the lawn. The pyramid coffee shop was open for business, with Grandma and two of Forty’s grandsons handing out lattes and pastries to anyone who wanted them. Next to them, Grandpa and Yolanda were serving food from the Mount Everest ice cream parlor.
The clockwork bandstand was playing “Love can’t be rushed.” In the distance, the animatronic Moby Dick had just finished “High Hopes” and was now singing “I did it my way.” A short distance from the East façade, the supersonic plane waited at the start of a long, straight runway that ran between the potato fields to the south. Neighborhood children cast longing glances at the merry-go-round. Two of Forty’s grandsons were considering whether to let them ride. It was bound to be good publicity for the future of the Blemnox theme park as long as there were no malfunctions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 27
A87815181
There was a lull in the interviews now. Scribbles saw Viola talking to the two strange men, and wandered over to see what was up.
“Grandpa was in hock for the estate,” Viola explained to him. “We got him out thanks to the insurance money, but we have to pay it back now that Dad isn’t dead. The insurance company is kind of funny that way.”
“Your mother is *extremely* pleased with how everything has turned out,” Scribbles said. “Book sales are going through the roof. I will suggest that she help repay the insurance money from her profits. Your father stands to make a pile of money from
speeches and product endorsements, too. He may even write a book or two himself.” He winked. “Money is the last problem your family faces right now.”
“If the theme park got off the ground, there would be even more money,” Viola said. “The problem is, Grandpa was never enthusiastic about it, and neither was Mom.”
“I think we need a good old family conference,” Scribbles said. “All these relatives have had a chance to see how great your father’s inventions are. Yolanda is a manager at
Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, and would be able to put Blemnox Park on a sound footing. Your grandmother can train dozens of acrobats, tightrope walkers, and air pilots. That supersonic plane could be a gold mine if some well-heeled people would like to take a spin in it—local ordinances permitting.”
Viola began imagining a brighter future than she had ever thought possible. They could have Karaoke nights at the bandstand. Whaling-ship cruises on the lake. Then there was the space station her father had been working on. How many theme parks could boast a real space station *and* a Sinatra-voiced whale? Now, if only they could keep pieces of space junk from falling on the park. Or was it only Badkarmastan where things like that happened?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 28: One Year Later
A87815181
Viola sat by Grandpa’s bedside and waited for him to wake up from his nap. The doctors said he didn’t have long to live. That was probably true, but she doubted he would have a “normal” death. Hadn’t Cousin Yolanda said that nothing expected ever happened in the Blemnox Family? For one thing, Grandpa had packed a suitcase. How many people brought luggage to the afterlife?
Viola thought about all the things that had happened in the year since the space capsule touched down in the lake. Something more devastating touched down in Litestvia ashort time after that: A piece of space junk hit the castle where the royal family was staying. Princess Alice, the only survivor, found her way through the woods to safety (she was unusual in that she had a good sense of direction). She knocked on the door of Candide and Calamitas, descendants of Augustus Mardachian‘s brother. On seeing the pictures of Blemnox that Candide showed her, she vowed to go there. She urged her subjects to form a democracy. Then she abdicated. A week later, Jasper showed her through the labyrinth, and she didn’t get lost. She did, however fall in love with him. Now they were husband and wife, with twins on the way.
Ravena no longer avoided Bottles, largely because Viola talked turkey to her just before Thanksgiving. “Mom, the Blemnoxes* stay nutty by continually choosing nutty people for their spouses. I’ll take you, for example. You disappeared from a maze so you could write a tell-all book about your inlaws. That’s as nutty as it gets. Welcome to the family!” There was talk about reconciliation, though no one expected Ravena and Bottles to spend much time together. Ravena was camped out in the old groundskeeper’s cottage, writing the great American novel. There was a hunting lodge at the other end of the estate, where Bottles was making plans to terraplane the asteroid that had discovered him. A short distance away, somebody from NASA had him under surveillance.
One other thing that had changed: the Mardachis had all changed their surname to Blemnox.
The last year had seen a great deal of activity on the estate. The park opened for business in April, and pulled in a great many visitors. The star attraction was the space station, which Viola’s father had almost finished at the time of his unintended launch into space. He had been working on it for years in a rented hangar at the nearest airport. NASA had begged him to sell it to them. He could have made billions on the sale, but the publicity that surrounded its unveiling sparked enormous public desire to see it. He did sell the plans for it to NASA. They were happy to have them, but their real goal was to make sure the inventor that created them stayed on Planet Earth.
Many family members had snagged jobs running the Park: Even Viola had a job, as coordinator of special events. Blake still worked for Badkarmastan. He was there now, helping them rebuild after their latest disaster: hundreds had drowned in a tsunami caused by heavy rain in the hills around Kaput and Amok. As a landlocked country far from any bodies of water, Badkarmastan had few citizens who knew how to swim. Humanitarian aid was rushing in from other countries on the theory that letting Badkarmastan go under would allow bad luck to strike elsewhere.
Grandpa’s breathing began to grow more feeble. Suddenly Viola noticed singing coming from the field outside the bedroom window. She hoped that the potatoes weren’t singing again. But no, the singing was coming from a cluster of wuheebies right below the window. The sound died down somewhat, but reappeared in the hallway. The door was nudged open and several wuheebies came through. Before Viola could react, they were gently lifting Grandpa out of his bed and onto a scooter that they had brought for him.
Although she thought this behavior was strange, Viola found herself unable to muster the resolve to stop them. She had the odd feeling that she recognized some of them. Could it be that Grandpa was going to turn into one of them? No, that couldn’t be right……could it? Or maybe wuheebies were attuned to the ghosts of Blemnoxes* who had gone before. Viola honestly didn’t know. The singing was growing louder now. She went over to the window and watched the wuheebies solemnly wheel Grandpa away, presumably to some special burial place.
Jasper and his wife were about to open the front door, where they were going to find Candide and Calamitas Mardachian waiting, clutching potted Litestvian trees in their arms. Behind them, a long stream of other Litestvians [also carrying trees] would be lined up, hoping to get the blessing of Princess Alice for their desire to settle in the neighborhood and plant their trees. Jasper would agree that the area could use more trees. Former Princess Alice would agree that she missed her former countrymen, and would be happy to be able to see them occasionally. KR3BS would be on the verge of giving up on his goal of juggling the good china while walking the tightrope, under Grandma’s tutelage. This was due to the fact that there was hardly any good china left.
But that would not be part of this story. This story is done.
The End……..Maybe
*Purists prefer “Blemnoxen” as the plural form of “Blemnox.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A87815181
Affrontispiece
Blemnox [noun]: Architectural eyesore. Term is inverted shorthand for “NOXious BLEMish on the landscape.” It is applied to any large mansion that tries to impress by mimicking numerous iconic buildings, but with no discernible talent for making disparate elements or styles work well together. Wait a hundred years, however, and public reaction changes from “What were they thinking?” to “Wow, this is a historical building which must be preserved.”
Herein can be found the original annals of Blemnox as written for the short short story thread.
Part 1: That Sinking Feeling
As we walked down the spacious marble steps of Blemnox for the last time, Viola aimed a thunderbolt of well-deserved vitriol at me: "Thanks to you, Grandpa, we are now homeless, and likely to freeze to death when winter comes!"
True, I had lost Blemnox Mansion through heavy borrowing, but it had paid for my wife’s medical bills, Viola's failed nail polish company and, yes, my gambling debts. "Viola, dear,” I replied, “we still own the land surrounding the mansion, and it extends far enough south that we can live in the camper during the mild winters there." As we drove south the next day, Viola tried to convince me that the camper would be a dangerous place to live because of the herds of Komodo Dragons that would be there, but her point became moot after we accidentally left the road and sank inexorably into this quicksand…
Part 2
After a kind stranger rescued Grandpa and Viola from the quicksand, Viola decided that any further contact with Grandpa would be hazardous, so she married a wealthy Count from either Luxembourg or Poland (his accent was so thick she couldn't tell which, and the landscape at his estate could have been in either place). Meanwhile, Grandpa was living in the shade of a butternut tree behind Blemnox, trying to win the forest from a group of squirrels that were addicted to a betting game that used acorns as chips.
One day, Viola came to the foot of Grandpa's tree to tell him she had regained Blemnox by helping her son Jasper win it in a poker game, and that she now had custody of the lad after her divorce from the Count.
When Grandpa realized that he must be quite ancient now that he had a great-grandson, he restrained his urge to skip merrily along the garden path to Blemnox. His urge to drink himself unconscious was not so easy to resist, however.
Back at the house he slept off his massive hangover, while Viola began to suspect that her beloved Grandpa was in the beginning stages of dementia, and would need counseling at the very least.....
Part 3
The doctors who examined Grandpa determined that committing him to their psychiatric institution would do less good than leaving him under the loving indifference of Viola. Viola had little time for Grandpa, however, as Jasper was going through a difficult period regarding his sexuality. Several times a day she had to go down to
Bitterwater Pond to retrieve him from the water, where he was trying to mate with a particularly large catfish.
Grandpa didn't even notice any of this, as he was busy with hunting, the sport that his own grandfather had taught him back in the days before the estate's foxes, stags, and wild boars had departed for greener forests. The only animals left to hunt were wuheebies, giant snails that rode around in red go-carts with the letter "S" on the
license plates, as if begging onlookers to exclaim, "Look at that 'S' car go!"
Part 4
The years passed eventfully at Blemnox, with Jasper resolving his sexuality issues and marrying a woman geologist named Fluorine, and Viola taking clarinet lessons so she could play duets with her friend Claire, who played the viola.
Grandpa was on his deathbed a couple times, but he regained his health when Viola arranged to have Blemnox designated as a Historic House so developers would never tear it down in order to put up a Wal-Mart or a fried chicken franchise. In order to achieve the Historic House designation, Blemnox needed a geological analysis, for which Fluorine gathered a team of experts. The team's final report coincided with Jasper's giving birth to twins (Fluorine had been too busy to bother with pregnancy, so she had found a doctor who could make Jasper carry the babies instead), and was unexpectedly downbeat.
"There's a lot of bad news about Blemnox and only a little bit of good news," the team's leader told the family, "with problems that include radon in the basement, lead in the water, an ancient Indian burial ground 30 feet down, a geological fault two miles down, a toxic waste dump under the gazebo, sharks in Bitterwater Pond, crop circles in the corn field, poison ivy in most of the forest, major damage to the sewage system, and (here's the little bit of good news) not much likelihood that developers would want to deal with the preceding issues."
Part 5
Viola found it annoying that Grandpa would sometimes pretend to be wasting his time by chasing snails in go-carts, but actually be hiring surveyors and spectographers to debunk the geologists' claims about Blemnox's problems. As she sat down to dinner one night, she realized that this was such a time, as Grandpa kept throwing out tidbits of information such as "Y'know, I found out that the gazebo is on our neighbor's land, not ours" or "that's not an Indian burial ground under the house, but gold and silver deposits worth hundreds of millions of dollars..."
When she dug deeper, she realized that Grandpa was deeply worried that the geologists' report would cause the local government to condemn Blemnox as overly toxic and kick them all out.
As it turned out, an innovative minerals-extraction company found a way to get the gold and silver out of the ground without weakening the house's foundations. Suddenly they were wealthy enough to make the estate an environmental and aesthetic paradise that people would come from far and near to gawk at...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Viola was a little girl, people had often asked her what it was like to be the daughter of a famous inventor. “Are you kidding? Someday he’s going to get himself killed by one of those contraptions he works on!” was what she wished she could have said. Instead, she had said something polite and noncommittal.
Well, her words had certainly become prophetic, she thought now as she rode the bus toward Blemnox, her family’s ancestral estate. Just days ago, her father was putting the final touches on the rocket ship he was working on. He accidentally brushed against the launch button, and now he was heaven knows where. Maybe dead, maybe alive, just not where she could call him when she needed advice or just wanted to talk.
This was not the first time Viola had lost a relative to a freak incident. Six years earlier, her mother had wandered into a massive labyrinth made of hedges on an English estate. Mother had managed to get herself so lost that she vanished. This happened on April Fool’s Day, and the authorities assumed it was a prank. Or maybe Mom had gotten fed up with Dad’s wacky inventions and used the maze as an excuse to escape and start a new life. Viola wouldn’t have minded getting a new life too, but Mom never asked her. Oh, well.
Then there was Viola’s husband, a secret agent who suddenly needed to go into hiding for his own safety. Well, at least Viola still had the house she shared with him -- until a piece of space junk fell on it.
No family, no place to live, that about summed up her life, Viola thought as she watched the scenery passing by. Her grandfather would be waiting for her -- she hadn’t seen him in years. Blemnox had seemed like an odd place when she was little. Ah, there it was, looming in the distance! Viola could see the grand dome now. And the massive Greek columns that were in front of it, holding up nothing much but looking grand and neoclassical. And now she was close enough to see the tiny figure of Grandpa waving at her in the distance.
But why did he have a suitcase in his hand?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2
[The story so far: Viola lost her father, her mother, her husband, and even her house. She has nowhere to go but Blemnox, the venerable mansion where her grandfather lives. As she approaches the house, she sees Grandpa on the front steps with a suitcase in his hand. Could this mean bad news? http://h2g2.com/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F69196?thread=8305293]
“What’s with the suitcase, Grandpa?” Viola asked as she hugged him.
“There’s something I need to tell you, Viola,” the old man said. “We can’t use the house, I’m afraid.”
:”Why not?” There was a lump in the pit of Viola’s stomach now.
“It sort of doesn’t belong to me any more….”
Viola dropped her own suitcase and stood there with her mouth open.
“I lost it in a poker game,” he said apologetically.
As she walked down the marble steps with her grandfather, Viola found herself getting angry. She aimed a thunderbolt of vitriol at him: "Thanks to you, Grandpa, we are now homeless, and likely to freeze to death when winter comes!"
“My wife took the news badly, too,” the old man said softly. “She sold her power tools and moved to a trailer park in Florida. I thought I’d go there and ask for her forgiveness. I can’t ask her to house both of us, though -- the trailer is too tiny for that. So, we’ll go for Plan B.”
“Which is….?”
“We still own the land surrounding the mansion.”
She relaxed. “You once told me that the land extends far enough south that we can live in the camper during the mild winters there."
He smiled ruefully. “You were young then, and my father was busy gambling away most of the land to the south. He also gambled away the camper”
“How about the land to the north? You said there was a lodge at the northern boundary.”
“My father gambled away that land, too. He was an overachiever. Don’t worry, south of here we have an old house that the family lived in before they built Blemnox. We can stay there.” He led the way across vast potato fields, and soon they were at the door of an ancient dwelling.
Link to Chapter 1: http://h2g2.com/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F69196?thread=8305293
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3
[The story so far: Viola has lost or misplaced her parents, her husband has vanished, and even her house has been destroyed. Seeking refuge with her grandfather at Blemnox, the family’s ancestral estate, Viola finds that that haven has been lost as well, because of her grandfather’s gambling addiction. There’s a small cottage at the southern boundary where they can live, however]
“My great-grandfather lived out his last years here,” Grandpa explained. “He could have lived in the mansion, but he was angry at his son and grandson for losing so much of the estate with their gambling. I was eight when he died. He and his brother built the mansion just before the War Between the States.
“Which side did the family support during the war?” Viola asked.
“They couldn’t decide. The Mason-Dixon Line, which separates north from south, runs through the middle of the estate. It even bisects the dining room table. My great-grandfather usually sat on the north side of the table because he was against slavery. His brother, who sat on the south side, was not. They had many arguments, and the only way to keep peace in the family was to stay neutral and hide when the armies marched through the estate on their way north or south….”
“Where did they hide?”
“Come, I’ll show you.” Grandpa grabbed a couple of flashlights and led Viola down the cellar stairs. Opening a door at the bottom, he showed her a tunnel that stretched into the distance. “Knox, Great-Grandfather’s brother, was frustrated with the plantation’s soil, which was worn out from years of cotton and corn crops. He tried to grow deep-rooted potatoes and was disappointed to find that he had to dig down seven feet to get to the potatoes. One day the brothers had a great idea: dig this tunnel so they could come down and pull potatoes from the sides any time they needed them. The tunnel served another purpose that Knox didn’t know about: it was an important part of the Underground Railroad.”
“But that wasn’t literally underground!” Viola protested.
“It was in this case. Runaway slaves could enter from this house, which was technically in Maryland, a slave state, and exit at the other end in Pennsylvania, a free state. Great-Grandfather called the whole affair the War Between the Taters”
----------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 4
[Story so far: Taking refuge from numerous adversities, Viola and her grandfather go to live in an ancient cottage not far from Blemnox, the family’s ancestral home. Every old house should have a secret tunnel in the basement, and this house is no exception]
A87815181
“So this is a secret tunnel,” Viola said.
“Yes,” Grandpa confirmed. “You and I are the only ones who know about it.”
Suddenly Viola saw someone running about sixty feet down the tunnel. “Who are you?” she called out..
The man who was there turned and recognized her. “Viola?” he exclaimed. “I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“It’s Blake, my husband,” Viola told Grandpa as she hurried to meet him. “I came here because my parents are missing and our house was destroyed by space debris. What I’d like to know is why *you* are here?”
“I thought this was the one secret hiding place that no one else knew about,” Blake explained.
“Except for the people I play poker with,” said Grandpa.
They could hear distant voices. The voices turned out to belong to people on a guided tour of the underground railroad. “And anybody who Googles ‘Underground railroad’” added Blake.
“And the Girl Scouts of America, and the Hare Krishnas,” Viola said, nodding toward a bald man in white robes and little girl with cookie boxes..
Two men in conservative business suits entered the tunnel. One was wearing dark sunglasses. He spoke first: “Hello. I am from NASA. I’m looking for the father of Melbourne Blemnox IV.”
“That would be me,” Grandpa said.
“I have good news and bad news, sir,” the man said. “The good news is that your son’s rocket ship discovered an asteroid that was not previously known to science.”
“What is the bad news?” Grandpa asked
“The bad news is that he died on impact.”
Then the other man spoke: “Fortunately, all I have is good news: Melbourne was insured, and his beneficiaries were his father” he nodded toward Grandpa, “and his daughter Viola.”
The insurance settlement was enough to get Blemnox out of hock. Viola turned to Blake to share the good news, but her elusive husband had vanished again.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5
[The story so far: Viola and her grandfather have returned to Blemnox, the family’s ancestral estate. While Grandpa sits on the veranda listening to the singing potatoes,
Viola accepts delivery of KR3BS, the robot butler that her late father has bequeathed to her. KR3BS offers to fix supper, so Viola explores the cellar a while and runs into her Blake, her elusive husband]
A87815181
Delighted to be back in his ancestral home, Grandpa sat on the south veranda, his ear cocked toward the potato fields. “Hear that, Viola?” he exclaimed. “The potatoes are singing.”
“Sure, Grandpa,” Viola said, backing toward the front door. “You just listen to them while I check the pantry. We’ll be needing some supper before long.”
No sooner had she reached the pantry than the doorbell at the north entrance rang. Viola opened the door to see a delivery man with a large rectangular box from her father’s estate. It contained KR3BS, a robot butler that her father had invented. KR3BS was ready to start work immediately, having downloaded everything from the Blemnox archives database. KR3BS told Viola that he would have supper ready in thirty minutes.
She was leery of joining Grandpa on the veranda, so she decided to get better acquainted with the house, starting with the cellar. There she found quilts that probably dated from the Civil War. While she was examining one, a familiar voice behind her said, “Your grandfather isn’t crazy, Viola – well, not *completely* crazy. He really does hear singing, though it comes from the ghosts of slaves who passed through the tunnel under the potato fields.”
It was Blake again. Viola turned and saw him in an old telephone booth, a smile on his face. “Blake, I do worry about you,” Viola told him.
“I’m safe here,” he protested.” Nobody uses telephone booths any more.”
“Superman and Harry Potter do,” Viola retorted.
“Nobody attacks Superman and gets away with it,” Blake said, still smiling. “As for Harry Potter, the last person who attacked him was Voldemort, and look what happened to him!”
Just then, KR3BS rang the dinner bell.
“I can’t believe they still use a dinner bell here,” Viola said, wondering how much more weirdness she could take.
“It’s a good sign, though,” Blake said. “Just the other day you were worried about your next meal, and here it is.”
-------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 7:
[The story so far: Viola and her grandfather enjoy supper in the unique dining room of Blemnox, the family’s ancestral home. KR3BS, the robot butler, has prepared delicious southern delicacies for the south side of the table, and northern dishes for the north side.
Grandma, recovering from an ordeal with quicksand, has arrived in time to join them.]
A87815181
Grandma went to bed right after supper, while Grandfather led Viola and Blake on a tour of the eastern side of the plantation. Here there were bean vines climbing poles and, a short distance away, some apple trees. “Why didn’t you plant the beans next to the trees so the vines could climb them?” Viola wondered.
“We tried that once, and it was a disaster,” Grandpa said. “The beans are Kentucky Wonders, and the apples are Northern Spies. They just didn’t get along….”
“Speaking of not getting along, I wonder why that goose is dive-bombing us,” Viola said, pointing up. Blake drew a gun from his pocket and shot the goose before it could do any harm.
Blake searched the goose’s neck and pulled out a computer chip. He put the chip into a special gadget his espionage agency had given him. “Just as I thought,” he said. “This is an assassin goose, trained to take us out. My enemies know where I am.”
“But….but…..that’s Sneezy!” Viola exclaimed, pointing at the goose.
“Yes, it’s one of the geese from our goose farm,” Blake confirmed, “but it wasn’t my idea to name the geese after the seven dwarves.”
“And the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers,” Viola continued. “Well, there were a lot of geese in the flock.”
“Now there’s one less,” Blake said grimly. “I didn’t tell you at the time, Viola, but I knew the geese intended us harm. That’s why I brought in a wolf to attack them if they tried to harm us.”
“Sparky was a wolf?” Viola gasped.
“Part wolf, part German Shepherd.”
“How would Sparky have stopped the whole flock?” Viola wondered.
“That’s classified,” Blake said grimly. “My employer had other protections in place.
He also had a taste for roast goose, but nobody’s perfect. Anyway, the geese flew away after the house was destroyed because their job was done there. Sparky is now a seeing-eye dog for your third cousin Yolanda.”
As they walked back to the house, Grandma was on the veranda. “I just got a text from your son Jasper,” she said to Viola. “He wonders what happened to the house,” she said.
“Oh my gosh, I forgot that Jasper was coming home for a few days,” Viola gasped.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 8
A87815181
[The story so far: Grandpa shows Viola and Blake the eastern quadrant of the Blemnox estate when, without warning, a goose flying overhead dive-bombs them. Blake kills the goose and confirms his suspicions (l.) that it is one of the geese from his farm in Badkarmastan, and (2.) that it was planted by his enemies to do him in. Grandma calls them back inside with news that Blake and Viola’s son Jasper needs to talk with them.]
Viola didn’t mind going back inside after the goose attack. “Be careful,” she told Jasper over the phone. “Your father and I are at Blemnox with my grandparents. You need to evacuate the area where our house was located – it may be booby trapped. Your grandfather is dead. Your grandmother is still missing. You can stay at their house ‘til it’s time to go back to school. We’ll have a funeral if we can stay clear of dive-bombing geese long enough to plan it.”
The evening was still young, so Grandpa gave Viola and Blake a guided tour of the house. “Here is the hall of mirrors, patterned after Versailles,” he said, showing them a tiny room barely six feet wide and twelve feet long. The walls were, as promised, covered by mirrors. “My ancestors would have built a bigger hall, but they didn’t have enough mirrors to fill it.”
“Couldn’t they have bought more mirrors?” Viola asked.
“They did, but my great-grandmother kept breaking them by singing too many high C’s whenever she saw mirrors. Now, this next room is the pantry. My ancestor had hoped for a ceiling mural like that of the Sistine Chapel. His brother had vetoed the idea elsewhere in the mansion, and this was his last shot. There was only one artist in the Blemnox area at the time, and he specialized in landscapes. My ancestor suggested a depiction of Hannibal crossing the Alps with soldiers and elephants and all. -- plenty of landscape in that idea.
Turns out the artist couldn’t do elephants – no models to work with. An army of cabbages and pumpkins is what he came up with. Nice theme for a pantry, though.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 9
[The story so far: After telling Jasper to go to his grandparents’ house, Viola tours the house with Grandpa. She sees the Hall of Mirrors and the ceiling murals in the pantry.]
A87815181
“How often does Grandma go golfing,” Viola asked Grandpa on the way to breakfast the next morning.
“She doesn’t,” Grandpa replied. “Thinks it’s too boring. But she likes the golf cart, it’s faster than her solar-powered moped. I expect she was on her way to go water-skiing. She’s one of the Gonzo Grannies. They do that every Thursday.”
When Viola got to the dining room, she looked through the window and saw someone walking across a high wire in the yard. Looking closer, she realized that it was Grandma.
“She also likes to walk the tightrope,” Grandpa said diffidently. “You should have seen her when she was younger. She once did it while juggling six cheesecakes in a hurricane. I made her stop juggling cheesecakes after that.”
“Because she got them wet in the rain? Or dropped them?’
“No, they were in waterproof boxes. I just got tired of cheesecakes. It took an awful long time to get them used up. Danger doesn’t faze her. She wanted to be a bomber pilot in the war. They said no; somebody could get hurt. She settled for helping make bombers, like Rosey the Riveter. Still makes a lot of stuff. I’ll show you her workshop.”
Her workshop turned out to be a shed. “She doesn’t make airplane engines anymore,” Grandpa confided. “Just anti-woodchuck missiles.”
Next to the shed was a building with a picture of a lion on it. In front of it were a whip and a chair. Grandpa pushed a button, and a roaring sound began. “So she tamed lions, too?” Viola exclaimed.
“For a while,” Grandpa sighed. “We ran out of money treating the lion for stress. Now she just pretends to tame them, hence the recording.”
When they got back to the house, another bequest of Viola’s father was being delivered. This was a two-passenger supersonic plane, which Grandma had signed for and was now fueling up.
“How on earth will we use a plane?” Viola exclaimed.
“I helped your father make this plane,” Grandma said, opening the cockpit. “I was also the test-pilot. I’m on my way to pick up Jasper. Why should he rattle around in an empty house when he could be here with us?” With that, she used a service road as a runway, and was soon out of sight.
“Come back safely, Amelia Blemnox,” Grandpa said under his breath.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 10
[The story so far: The glories of Blemnox, Viola’s ancestral estate, take a back seat to what she is discovering about her grandmother, a self-styled “Gonzo Granny” who doesn’t fear much of anything. But is this a sign of great wisdom and talent, or of suicidal foolhardiness? Viola wonders as she watches Grandma walk a tightrope, then sees where the old woman used to tame lions. Viola’s apprehensions grow when Grandma boards the supersonic plane Viola’s father invented and flies off to fetch Viola’s son Jasper. ]
A87815181
It was mid-afternoon at Blemnox, and Blake realized that he hadn’t seen Viola since lunch. Then he saw her, standing a couple hundred feet to the north of Blemnox, looking up. “You seem concerned about the roof,” he said as he approached her. ”Are there some loose shingles?”
“I found some old lithographs in the basement,” Viola said, holding them up, “and I’ve been comparing them with the exteriors of Blemnox. I think I know what the architects intended to convey with the building.” Taking Blake to the south lawn, she showed how much the building resembled Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s homestead. Then she showed how much the East façade resembled the White House in Washington, D.C. “When you came out just now, I was looking for similarities with Peace Field, the house that John Adams built in Quincy, Massachusetts. I think this north side resembles it a bit.”
“So, Blemnox was built by people who couldn’t make up their mind what they wanted their building to look like?” Blake said with an amused smile on his face. “They settled on copies of famous buildings for different sides of it?”
“Copies would be too generous a term,” Viola said. “They weren’t up to the task of real copies, but their ambitions were honorable enough. It’s not a bad-looking building as long as you don’t look at it from any of the corners.”
The western side presented a problem. It resembled none of the lithographs. “This must have been the original part of the building,” Viola said happily. She thought many of her ancestors had been crazy, but she couldn’t help feeling a bit of pride that, when they tried to create something on an epic scale, they mostly did all right.
“It’s not as good as the others,” Blake remarked.
“If it’s good, it’s not original, and if it’s original it’s not good,” Viola conceded. “Still, the workmanship stood up to the elements for at least 150 years. They must have had good carpenters and mason.” She backed up to take another look, and found herself brushing up against a tall hedge. Turning around, she saw a series of hedges that formed a labyrinth. And twenty feet into the labyrinth she could see a scarf that looked like one her mother used to wear…..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 11
[The story so far: Viola shows Blake how similar the facades of Blemnox are to classic American homes such as Jefferson’s Monticello, the White House in Washington, D.C., and John Adams’s “Piece Field.” The west side, however, doesn’t seem to resemble any other buildings. However, it sits next to a hedge labyrinth, which contains a scarf that resembles one owned by Viola’s mother.]
A87815181
“Blake, I feel sure that my mother is in this labyrinth,” Viola said. “I must go and find her.”
“Because you think her scarf is there?” Blake exclaimed. “Maybe other people had scarves just like it.”
“It’s monogrammed with her initials,” Viola pointed out, “and I smell her perfume on it.”
“I have to go with you, then,” Blake insisted. “My employer now thinks that our enemies are going to try to get at me by attacking you. Let me come with you. I will keep you from harm.”
“What are these enemies like?” Viola asked as they wandering down pathway after pathway. “I’d like to know what to look out for.”
“Words cannot express how odious our enemies are,” Blake said sternly. “Even when they’re trying to be *nice* they fall short. They put ketchup on rhubarb, refuse to recycle, and wear white after Labor Day.”
“Let’s have them over for dinner.”
“Murder would be on the menu. But seriously, you’ve seen how good they were at corrupting our geese and destroying our house. Our enemies are behind most of the assassinations in Badkarmastan.”
“Only most?”
“It’s a competitive field.”
“That’s why the obituary section in the daily paper is so large. We aren’t in Badkarmastan any more, though. One goose has attacked us here, but since then nothing else has happened,” Viola said.
“It’s a plus for them that we’re out of Badkarmastan. I used the chip in that goose’s neck to create a goose-detector, so we’re safe on that front. My employer wants me to stay here and make sure you are safe.”
“Yes, but where is *here*?” Viola lamented. “We’re lost. In this labyrinth. Just like my mother was.” Just then her foot struck the handle of a trap door in the ground. With deep sighs, they opened the door and descended a ladder to a tunnel which led to the basement of the house. Just as they got up the stairs to the main floor, there was a deafening boom.
“What was that noise?” Viola exclaimed.
“A sonic boom,” Blake said. “Your grandmother has returned, plus our neighbors are going to be up in arms at all the noise her plane is making.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 12
[The story so far: Viola, sure that her mother is in the labyrinth she has discovered,
onsists on going in to find her. Blake reveals that his employer has assigned him to
stay as close to her as possible for her own protection. He paints a grim picture of the enemy’s odiousness. At the center of the labyrinth is a trap door which leads to a tunnel into the basement of the house. As they reach the main floor, they find that Grandma has returned with Jasper.]
A87815181
Grandma and Jasper got out of the plane to great rejoicing from the other family members. Jasper had his father’s square jaw and blond hair, his mother’s violet eyes, and his great-grandmother’s fearlessness. He would need the fearlessness when the girls came at him and their ex-boyfriends attacked him for stealing their affections, Viola reflected. If any 18-year-old boy was a chick magnet, Jasper was one.
“Happy birthday, Mom!” Jasper said, thrusting a package into her hands.
“Oh, my word, I had forgotten all about my birthday,” Viola gasped.
Just then a van drove up and a uniformed messenger got out. “Viola Mardachi?” he asked, looking around.
“That’s me,” Viola said.
The messenger proceeded to sing:
“Viola, may violets adorn
Each gown that you ever have worn.
Happy birthday to you.
You are now 42.
I remember the day you were born.
--An Admirer”
As the messenger drove away, Viola tried to make sense of what had just happened.
The annual birthday messages had started after her mother had disappeared. She assumed that they were from her father. But now Dad was dead. Who else was still around who might remember when she was born? Not her grandparents. They had been far away at the time.
Viola offered to show Jasper around Blemnox, as he had never seen it before. He looked at the house from all four sides, but he liked the west side the best. ”Cool!” he said. “This side looks just like the Alamo!” he burbled.
“Good heavens, I forgot the Alamo,” Viola exclaimed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 13
A87815181
Even if Viola had forgotten about her birthday, KR3BS clearly had not, for the dinner that ensued was spectacular by any stretch of the imagination: trout almondine (using fish from the lake just north of the house), potatoes au gratin, ratatouille from vegetables just harvested from Grandma’s kitchen garden, and a marvelous four-story cake that had been delivered by the same anonymous admirer who had sent Viola the singing telegram.
Just before the first course was served, Grandpa cleared his throat and said, “My dear family, nothing makes me happier than to have you here. I know that many of you have had your lives turned upside down lately. My own life hasn’t exactly been serene. Viola and Blake and Jasper, you are welcome to stay here as long as you want. As far as I’m concerned, this is your home now….”
There was an enigmatic smile on Grandpa’s face that meant he knew more than he was saying, Viola thought. What if another branch of the family challenged Grandpa’s will someday, forcing Viola out? Had Grandpa arranged something against that eventuality? She glanced at Blake, who seemed as unconcerned as Grandpa was.
Just as Viola was about to blow out the candles on the cake, there was a knock on the door. “Viola Mardachi?” said the messenger who stood in the doorway. “I have a whaling ship for you, a bequest from your late father’s will.”
Don’t you just hate it when people deliver whaling boats during dinner? Viola thought as she signed for the ship. “Where on Earth shall we put it?” she asked the rest of the family.
“Put it in the lake,” Grandpa urged.
“Won’t it need to be tied up at the dock?” Viola wondered.
Blake and Jasper offered to go out and tie it up. Grandpa joined them.
Great, thought Viola. Here is this birthday cake blazing merrily away, and half the family is out whaling. Grandma leaned toward her and said,“Viola, when I was a little girl I wanted to work on a whaling boat.”
“Wouldn’t that have been hard on the whales?” Viola exclaimed.
“Well, I thought of being the one who fed them. Come to think of it, wouldn’t it be cool to stand on the deck of a ship and feed the fish?”
Viola thought of a wish and blew out the candles.
------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 14
A87815181
“How do Grandpa and Grandma manage to run a large estate like this alone?” Viola said to herself as she lay in bed the next morning. She remembered dozens of field hands and some kitchen staff when she visited Blemnox as a child. Of course, much of the land had been gambled away by dissolute ancestors since then. Still, there were no longer any visible servants, just her grandparents, who had to be close to ninety if not already there. And yet the place did not look run down.
When Blake woke up he saw the expression on her face. “A penny for your thoughts,” he said.
“You may want to keep your penny,” she said. “If my grandparents have strokes we’ll need to hire nurses. They have no servants. How does this place keep going with just my grandparents running things.”
“KR3BS has some tiny droid helpers,” Blake said. “They were in the box that he was delivered in. I saw them picking potatoes and tending the gardens yesterday. I think one of them caught last night’s trout. Plus, you and I and Jasper are here now. But I agree there are plenty of challenges. I saw some enormous snails the other day. It’s amazing that this place has any crops left.”
“Those are Wuheebies,” Viola said. “They ride around on go-carts. They’re fairly helpful, actually. They feed on the butternuts that grow next to Bitterwater Pond. Maybe Grandpa has taught them to tend the fields. They used to bring him into the house when he got drunk and fell asleep under a butternut tree. That was my last memory of Blemnox. My mother didn’t like it that I saw Grandpa drunk. She stopped bringing me here after that.”
Viola and Blake could tell something was up when they went downstairs for breakfast. Jasper and Grandma were waiting expectantly by the door. Sure enough, the doorbell rang just as KR3BS arrived with sausages and home fries. Looking out the window, Viola saw a “Pool Fish R Us” van parked outside. Grandma was signing for some large goldfish.
“At least Grandma will have some fish to feed now,” Viola said.
No sooner had the van pulled away than another one came delivering amplifiers
and musical instruments. Jasper signed for these.
“Where did Jasper get the money for all that equipment?” Viola wondered.
“Um, we had a little talk when we went out on that whaling ship last night,” Blake said. “The cabin would be a perfect place for Jasper’s band to play. I gave him my credit card. I, er, offered to play the bass.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 15
A87815181
After breakfast, Grandpa sat on the veranda with Viola and Blake. “It says in today’s paper that assassinations are getting out of hand in Badkarmastan,” the old man said.
“Oh? How can they tell?” Viola said.
“This sounds serious,” Blake told her. “My employer will probably call me back there.”
“I guess your musical career will have to be put on hold,” Viola said. “But what about the enemy’s evil intentions toward me?”
“My employer will download some early warning software into KR3BS,” Blake said as a black car drove up and two men with dark suits and sunglasses got out. The car seemed to be towing a horse-carrier, but what emerged from it looked like a camel, not a horse.
“Greetings,” said one of the men in sunglasses. “The King of Badkarmastan sends his regards and wishes to thank you for agreeing to return so order can be restored to his kingdom. This camel is a small token of his appreciation.”
“What will we feed the camel?” Viola asked, putting off for the moment her concern at getting so little warning of this move.
“Camels eat rats,” Blake said. “I’d be surprised if a place this big didn’t have enough of them to keep a camel alive.”
“When I was a little girl I dreamed of marrying a Polish or Hungarian Count,” Viola said.
“Why those two nationalities?” Blake asked.
“It depended on which accent I was most taken with at the time. Either way, I wouldn’t now be dealing with a camel and an absent husband. I love you, Blake, and I know your work pays the bills. I just wish I had had time to get ready for this.”
“My forebears didn’t come from exotic Warsaw or Budapest,” Blake said, “just a long-forgotten Baltic country named Litestvia.”
“Funny, but Grandpa says our family came from that country, too,” Viola said.
“We should compare notes sometime,” Blake replied as he rode off in the black car with the men in the dark sunglasses.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 17
A87815181
In the days that followed, strange things continued to arrive at Blemnox, courtesy of Viola’s father’s wild imagination and inventive prowess. There was the merry-go-round that featured unicorns and centaurs. Then there was a miniature model of Mount Everest with an ice cream parlor at the back. A coffee shop disguised as a pyramid arrived the day after that.
“Why would my father invent all these things?” Viola wondered as she sat on the veranda with Grandpa. “This family can’t possibly use all of them.”
“Seems pretty clear to me,” said a voice to their right. Coming up the walk was Cousin Yolanda, accompanied by Sparky – the dog that she had rescued from Viola’s house in Badkarmastan – and a young man in a business suit. “He expected to inherit this place some day, and he was getting ready to turn it into a theme park,” Yolanda explained. “Then he got shot into space and there was nowhere to deliver these things to except here.”
“He told me about his plans, but I couldn’t see how they would be practical,” Grandpa said. “Why would anyone want to come here, even with these contraptions to see?”
“I expect a lot of people will, once they’ve seen the new book about the Blemnox Family,” said the young man, shaking hands all around. “I’m Yolanda’s brother. My name is Scribner Random Blemnox, but everyone calls me Scribbles. I run a publishing house that is releasing this book next month.” He handed copies to Viola and Grandpa.
“Blemnoxed: How I Married Into America’s Wackiest Family” was the title. On the cover was a picture of Grandma and the camel on the whaling ship, with an older version of Viola standing in front of it. She was identified as Ravena Blemnox.
“That’s my mother,” Viola exclaimed. “She must have taken that picture!”
Grandpa turned a few pages and saw something that made him turn white – well, whiter than he already was. “Viola, before you read any further, there’s something I need to tell you,” he said weakly.
It was too late. “It says here that I married my cousin!” Viola said, putting the book down in a rage. “Grandpa, you must have known, but you never told me!”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 18
“Melby!” said an old man who was hobbling up the front walk, cane in hand. “I see you have company.”
“This is family, Forty,” Grandpa said. “I’d like you to meet them.”
“I remember you,” Viola said to the old man, rushing over to help him climb the veranda steps. “You used to play poker with my grandfather.”
“Still do,” was the cheery reply. “In fact, it’s time for our weekly game.
“Forty isn’t just my poker buddy,” Grandpa told Viola, “he’s also my cousin. His great-grandpa and mine were brothers.”
“My real name is Knox Mardachi the 4th,” the old visitor said. “I ran a landscape gardening company until I retired, and my son runs it now. I hoped Blake would run it someday, but he has a career that takes him to faraway places.” He sighed.
“Wait,” Viola said, struggling to put these new pieces of the puzzle into place. “Are you Blake’s grandfather?” Forty nodded. “Then it’s true that I married my own cousin,” she said to Grandpa.
“Its true,” Grandpa said. “Blake’s real name is Knox Mardachi the Sixth. I was afraid you’d think something would be wrong with your children if you married a cousin. Obviously, Jasper is fantastic. I just thought I would let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Why is his last name Mardachi, rather than Blemnox?” Viola exclaimed.
“Why don’t we come into the parlor and I will explain it all,” Forty said.
---------------------------------------------------
Chapter 19: Viola’s First Question
A87815181
The parlor walls had been painted by the same artist that had put pumpkins and cabbages on the ceiling of the pantry. Here, however, he had painted a profusion of magnolias and honeysuckle, with occasional white cotton bolls. Viola looked behind the piano and saw that someone had painted a koala bear playing chess with a penguin. This was probably added later by a mischievous or bored family member, and the parents had moved the piano there rather than remove the strange image.
When the family had settled itself in the room, Viola starting asking questions: “Why did my mother disappear the way she did?”
“She felt like an outsider, Viola,” Forty said. “She thought her father-in-law drank too much. She was sure her mother-in-law belonged in a circus or nut house rather than a historical building that was registered in two states. Her son-in-law had a career that she considered too dangerous. One day she dropped in on her husband’s workshop and he let it slip that he was going to turn Blemnox into a theme park some day. That was the last straw. She staged her disappearance in a famous labyrinth and came here to plan her next step She was intrigued by the labyrinth we have. I happened to be trimming the hedges when I saw her. She explained her plight.”
“I was on the estate that day as well,” Scribbles said. “She told me she wanted a career as a writer. My advice was that truth is stranger than fiction, especially as regarded the Blemnox family. She wrote her book and waited for her husband to inherit the estate, at which point the book would help publicize the theme park and also sell millions of copies. Instead, her husband died unexpectedly in a highly visible way.”
“Nothing expected ever happens in the Blemnox Family, Viola,” cousin Yolanda said sympathetically.
“We pushed up the publication date, knowing that her husband’s inventions would be delivered to Blemnox as stipulated in his will.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 20: Viola’s Second Question
A87815181
“Second question,” Viola said.”How did she find out about the family’s past, when key elements of it were unknown even to me?”
“I’m afraid that was my fault,” Forty said. “Your mother knew that I was Blake’s grandfather. That was no problem for her. However, one day I let it slip that my great-grandfather had been the brother that helped Melbourne the First build Blemnox.
“I persuaded your mother to come out of hiding and let the family know about her book,” Scribbles said, “but when she found out that you and Blake were cousins she changed her mind.”
“Why?” Viola asked.
“Because that meant Jasper had a double dose of Blemnox genes. He was likely to go rogue.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 21: Viola’s Third Question
A87815181
“Third question,” Viola said. “Why did one brother take the family Blemnox, while the other became a Mardachi?”
“For that, we need to go way back,” Forty said. “Melbourne and Knox were the sons of Augustus Mardachian, who grew up in a small Baltic country called Litestvia. Augustus excelled in everything he did. Most people would have thought this to be a blessing, but Augustus just found it hard to choose a career path. His father urged him to be like Thomas Jefferson, an American whose wide-ranging abilities had helped him rise to the top. There was one catch: there was no top for Augustus to rise to in Litestvia, a country
ruled by royals so confused that they often got lost in the forest moving between their many castles. Augustus could only join that family by marrying a princess who would probably
get hopelessly lost and be written out of the family along with her husband.
“Go to America,” Augustus’ father urged. “They need another Thomas Jefferson, as the previous one died in 1826.”
“So Augustus sailed for America, arriving in the state of Maryland in 1838. He married a woman that he met on the ship, and looked for a place to live. There was growing tension between the northern states and the southern ones. If they went to war, it would not pay to live in a state that was on the losing side. Augustus bought contiguous land in Maryland and Pennsylvania, ensuring that half of his plantation would belong to the winning side no matter which way the war went..
“In 1839, Knox and Melbourne were born. Augustus proudly wrote out their names for the town clerk and was horrified to find that his handwriting was misinterpreted. His a’s came out as e’s, making the children’s surname ‘Merdechien.’ This was ruinous! Anyone familiar with French would think the family name referred to dog poop. Casting about for solutions, Augustus came up with the idea of renaming the family by combining the first four letters of the sons’ first names. This led to such possibilities as ‘Knoxmelb’ and ‘Melbknox.’ Then he tried inverting ‘Melb’ and dropping the k in ‘Knox.” The result was Blemnox.
“This seemed like a good solution for a while. The brothers grew up, built the Blemnox mansion, and farmed the land. They grew quite wealthy. Then the Civil War came along. Melbourne sided with the North, Knox with the South. When the North won, Knox grew discouraged with his family's whole plan. He changed his name, dropping the last two letters from the original name. Melbourne tried to talk him out of it. This led to a rupture between them. Knox Mardachi moved away and was never seen again.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 22: Your Father Was Out of This World
A87815181
The memorial service for Viola’s father took place in the planetarium on the top floor of the house. Relatives came from far and near to express their sorrow or satisfy their curiosity.
“It’s a pity the rocket went up before your dad finished the space station,” said Cousin Copernicus.
“Space station?” Viola exclaimed. Some amazing things had poured into the Blemnox estate lately, but this was news to her.
“Your father felt that the Blemnoxes should be the first family to have a space station,” Copernicus said.
Then a third cousin once removed wondered if it was true that Great Aunt Fissurelda
had seen Princess Anastasia drive a solid gold Yugo through the raspberries. Viola had no answer for this and was grateful to be rescued by a familiar voice behind her which said, “It was too dark to tell, but the woodchucks know the answer.”
Viola turned around. “Hi, cousin,” she said to Blake.
“I wanted to tell you, but Grandpa wouldn’t let me,” Blake said apologetically as he hugged her.
Viola shrugged. “I figured as much. You‘re a secret agent. If you weren’t good at keeping secrets I’d be a widow by now.
“So this is the planetarium,” Blake said, leading his wife to a corner where there weren’t quite so many people to overhear them.
“It looks different than it did when I visited as a child,” Viola said. “They’ve moved the telescope to make room for the well-wishers. My Dad invented the telescope when he was 17. He claimed to have discovered five planets that nobody else had ever heard of.”
“Maybe they’ll turn up some day,” Blake said.
“Maybe he’ll turn up living on them. I wouldn’t put it past him to survive landing on the asteroid and setting up shop there. Or maybe he’ll come back here.”
The press, armed with advance copies of Viola’s mother’s book, had tried to crash the service, but Uncle Forty had six brawny grandsons who were able to keep most of them out. There was no danger of anyone sneaking onto the estate, as the neighbors had erected tall fences around the perimeter to help them pretend the crazy Blemnoxes weren’t there.
One particularly pushy reporter had gotten through, however. At the moment he was pestering Grandfather about how much he drank -- this issue had been raised in the book. Grandfather was angry at such a question, but Forty came to his rescue. “Melbourne stopped drinking after the vineyards died,” he told the reporter. "And if you want to know why they died, you’ll need to ask our website.”
Viola rolled her eyes at this. Forty’s son had set up the website, which was getting thousands of inane questions a day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 23
A87815181
“In a way, I wish Dad *had* finished the space station,” Viola told Blake. “I could be up there now and not have to hear some of the rubbish these people are saying. Next thing you know, they’ll be spreading rumors about Jasper.”
“Viola, I want you to listen to me,” Blake said, taking her by the shoulders. “Jasper is the greatest kid ever. He will never go rogue. I know you have issues with your branch of the family, but mine is rock solid.”
“What about your grandfather’s collection of cuckoo clocks?” Viola retorted.
“Don’t you like the Lincolnesque cuckoos with top hats and beards?”
“Those I like. I’m talking about the ones with ski masks and chain saws.”
“He made those for a Hallowe’en party. Come, let’s go out on the balcony and look at the stars.”
As they brushed by mourners on their way to the door, Viola smelled a familiar perfume and turned toward an older woman in a black cape and a scarf that covered her hair and most of her face. The violet eyes were a dead giveaway, though. “Mom!” Viola exclaimed, her heart standing still.
“Viola, I’m so sorry,” Ravena Blemnox said. “Can you ever forgive me? I left the scarf and the lipstick so you’d know I was still alive.”
“Mom, I can’t believe you were staying at Blemnox all along,” Viola blurted out.
“Hiding in plain sight,” the older woman admitted.”
“I worried a lot, though. That is, when I wasn’t worried about Blake getting killed or Grandma breaking some bones or Dad turning himself into something unmentionable in his lab.”
“The eulogies start in fifteen minutes,” the minister broke in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 24
A87815181
Blake and Viola watched the stars from the balcony, their backs to the planetarium where the memorial service was about to begin.
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you for a long time,” Viola said.
“What is it?” Blake said, turning to her with a fond but perplexed look on his face.”
“How many people know that you’re a secret agent?”
“Hundreds, maybe thousands. Why do you ask?”
“How can your line of work be a secret if everybody knows it?”
“That’s why it’s a brilliant cover. In Badkarmastan, everyone thought I was lying, so they assumed I really *wasn’t* a secret agent. But I really am one, and will keep telling people I am.” He kissed her.
“You know, I was never completely happy about the neighborhood we lived in.”
“You didn’t like Kaput?”
“Don’t get me wrong. Amok looked even worse. It’s just that….”
“Viola, what would you say if I told you a space capsule is about to land in the lake.”
“It’s probably a distant relation arriving for the memorial service.”
“No, more like a close relation. That looks like your father’s work.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 25
A87815181
Mourners poured out of the planetarium to watch from the balcony as a space capsule gentle wafted down toward the middle of the lake, held aloft by a parachute. Grandma had the presence of mind to turn on every light on the estate. As Scribbles and his camera crew filmed the scene that was unfolding, Viola and Blake and Forty’s grandsons raced across the field.
They reached the deck of the whaling ship just as the capsule touched down on the water with a gentle “Whoosh!” The top hatch popped up to reveal Melbourne Blemnox the Fifth – known to family and friends as “Bottles” -- as he removed his space helmet and waved.
He was greeted by Moby Dick, the animatronic whale who seemed to know every song Sinatra ever sang. As Moby sang “Fly me to the Moon,” Viola and the Mardachi men got the ship across to where the capsule was bobbing. The camel, who stood calmly on the deck of the ship, watched with interest as if things like this happened every day in Badkarmastan. They had no equipment for reaching Bottles, but the camel reached its long neck across the water and gingerly gripped the spaceman by the back of his space suit. In the distance, rescuers and onlookers alike could see reporters and public service personnel approaching in helicopters.
Reporters arrived on the scene in time to see Bottles ride the camel up to the front steps of the house, where he posed for pictures and gave interviews.
“Leave it to Dad to fix his space ship on that asteroid and get back to Blemnox,” Viola said to Blake as they rested from their exertions on the south lawn.
“I have to hand it to you,” Blake said. “You’re the one who imagined your father surviving his ordeal and fixing his rocket. You nailed it, Viola!
Viola wanted to feel good about this, but she noticed some familiar faces approaching her: the man from NASA and the insurance agent who had given her money from her father’s life insurance policy……
-----------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 26
A87815181
“Mrs. Mardachi,” the insurance agent began, “We don’t like doing this, but the money we paid you after your father’s demise will need to be repaid. Not immediately, of course, but within a reasonable time.”
“Is your father available to talk to?” the man from NASA asked Viola.
“He’s giving interviews,” Viola said. “I imagine that several billion people worldwide are listening in.”
“NASA has been quite interested in that rocket he launched a few days ago,” he said. “We were concerned that he might have broken some aeronautic regulations in doing so, but the launch seemed accidental, and we assumed your father did not survive. NASA may be willing to drop any charges if your father agrees to help us with our space program.”
Looking toward Blemnox, Viola and Blake could see more and more spotlights being set up. Mourners rubbed shoulders with paramedics, policemen, and media people. People from nearby towns were also starting to stream in, many of them anxious to buy autographed copies of Ravena’s book. By her side, Scribbles was happily counting book sales and placing rush orders for additional printings.
KR3BS had brewed gallons of coffee and prepared a ton of food for the memorial service in the planetarium, but now everyone was on the front steps or watching from the lawn. The pyramid coffee shop was open for business, with Grandma and two of Forty’s grandsons handing out lattes and pastries to anyone who wanted them. Next to them, Grandpa and Yolanda were serving food from the Mount Everest ice cream parlor.
The clockwork bandstand was playing “Love can’t be rushed.” In the distance, the animatronic Moby Dick had just finished “High Hopes” and was now singing “I did it my way.” A short distance from the East façade, the supersonic plane waited at the start of a long, straight runway that ran between the potato fields to the south. Neighborhood children cast longing glances at the merry-go-round. Two of Forty’s grandsons were considering whether to let them ride. It was bound to be good publicity for the future of the Blemnox theme park as long as there were no malfunctions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 27
A87815181
There was a lull in the interviews now. Scribbles saw Viola talking to the two strange men, and wandered over to see what was up.
“Grandpa was in hock for the estate,” Viola explained to him. “We got him out thanks to the insurance money, but we have to pay it back now that Dad isn’t dead. The insurance company is kind of funny that way.”
“Your mother is *extremely* pleased with how everything has turned out,” Scribbles said. “Book sales are going through the roof. I will suggest that she help repay the insurance money from her profits. Your father stands to make a pile of money from
speeches and product endorsements, too. He may even write a book or two himself.” He winked. “Money is the last problem your family faces right now.”
“If the theme park got off the ground, there would be even more money,” Viola said. “The problem is, Grandpa was never enthusiastic about it, and neither was Mom.”
“I think we need a good old family conference,” Scribbles said. “All these relatives have had a chance to see how great your father’s inventions are. Yolanda is a manager at
Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, and would be able to put Blemnox Park on a sound footing. Your grandmother can train dozens of acrobats, tightrope walkers, and air pilots. That supersonic plane could be a gold mine if some well-heeled people would like to take a spin in it—local ordinances permitting.”
Viola began imagining a brighter future than she had ever thought possible. They could have Karaoke nights at the bandstand. Whaling-ship cruises on the lake. Then there was the space station her father had been working on. How many theme parks could boast a real space station *and* a Sinatra-voiced whale? Now, if only they could keep pieces of space junk from falling on the park. Or was it only Badkarmastan where things like that happened?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 28: One Year Later
A87815181
Viola sat by Grandpa’s bedside and waited for him to wake up from his nap. The doctors said he didn’t have long to live. That was probably true, but she doubted he would have a “normal” death. Hadn’t Cousin Yolanda said that nothing expected ever happened in the Blemnox Family? For one thing, Grandpa had packed a suitcase. How many people brought luggage to the afterlife?
Viola thought about all the things that had happened in the year since the space capsule touched down in the lake. Something more devastating touched down in Litestvia ashort time after that: A piece of space junk hit the castle where the royal family was staying. Princess Alice, the only survivor, found her way through the woods to safety (she was unusual in that she had a good sense of direction). She knocked on the door of Candide and Calamitas, descendants of Augustus Mardachian‘s brother. On seeing the pictures of Blemnox that Candide showed her, she vowed to go there. She urged her subjects to form a democracy. Then she abdicated. A week later, Jasper showed her through the labyrinth, and she didn’t get lost. She did, however fall in love with him. Now they were husband and wife, with twins on the way.
Ravena no longer avoided Bottles, largely because Viola talked turkey to her just before Thanksgiving. “Mom, the Blemnoxes* stay nutty by continually choosing nutty people for their spouses. I’ll take you, for example. You disappeared from a maze so you could write a tell-all book about your inlaws. That’s as nutty as it gets. Welcome to the family!” There was talk about reconciliation, though no one expected Ravena and Bottles to spend much time together. Ravena was camped out in the old groundskeeper’s cottage, writing the great American novel. There was a hunting lodge at the other end of the estate, where Bottles was making plans to terraplane the asteroid that had discovered him. A short distance away, somebody from NASA had him under surveillance.
One other thing that had changed: the Mardachis had all changed their surname to Blemnox.
The last year had seen a great deal of activity on the estate. The park opened for business in April, and pulled in a great many visitors. The star attraction was the space station, which Viola’s father had almost finished at the time of his unintended launch into space. He had been working on it for years in a rented hangar at the nearest airport. NASA had begged him to sell it to them. He could have made billions on the sale, but the publicity that surrounded its unveiling sparked enormous public desire to see it. He did sell the plans for it to NASA. They were happy to have them, but their real goal was to make sure the inventor that created them stayed on Planet Earth.
Many family members had snagged jobs running the Park: Even Viola had a job, as coordinator of special events. Blake still worked for Badkarmastan. He was there now, helping them rebuild after their latest disaster: hundreds had drowned in a tsunami caused by heavy rain in the hills around Kaput and Amok. As a landlocked country far from any bodies of water, Badkarmastan had few citizens who knew how to swim. Humanitarian aid was rushing in from other countries on the theory that letting Badkarmastan go under would allow bad luck to strike elsewhere.
Grandpa’s breathing began to grow more feeble. Suddenly Viola noticed singing coming from the field outside the bedroom window. She hoped that the potatoes weren’t singing again. But no, the singing was coming from a cluster of wuheebies right below the window. The sound died down somewhat, but reappeared in the hallway. The door was nudged open and several wuheebies came through. Before Viola could react, they were gently lifting Grandpa out of his bed and onto a scooter that they had brought for him.
Although she thought this behavior was strange, Viola found herself unable to muster the resolve to stop them. She had the odd feeling that she recognized some of them. Could it be that Grandpa was going to turn into one of them? No, that couldn’t be right……could it? Or maybe wuheebies were attuned to the ghosts of Blemnoxes* who had gone before. Viola honestly didn’t know. The singing was growing louder now. She went over to the window and watched the wuheebies solemnly wheel Grandpa away, presumably to some special burial place.
Jasper and his wife were about to open the front door, where they were going to find Candide and Calamitas Mardachian waiting, clutching potted Litestvian trees in their arms. Behind them, a long stream of other Litestvians [also carrying trees] would be lined up, hoping to get the blessing of Princess Alice for their desire to settle in the neighborhood and plant their trees. Jasper would agree that the area could use more trees. Former Princess Alice would agree that she missed her former countrymen, and would be happy to be able to see them occasionally. KR3BS would be on the verge of giving up on his goal of juggling the good china while walking the tightrope, under Grandma’s tutelage. This was due to the fact that there was hardly any good china left.
But that would not be part of this story. This story is done.
The End……..Maybe
*Purists prefer “Blemnoxen” as the plural form of “Blemnox.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A87815181
Affrontispiece
Blemnox [noun]: Architectural eyesore. Term is inverted shorthand for “NOXious BLEMish on the landscape.” It is applied to any large mansion that tries to impress by mimicking numerous iconic buildings, but with no discernible talent for making disparate elements or styles work well together. Wait a hundred years, however, and public reaction changes from “What were they thinking?” to “Wow, this is a historical building which must be preserved.”
Herein can be found the original annals of Blemnox as written for the short short story thread.
Part 1: That Sinking Feeling
As we walked down the spacious marble steps of Blemnox for the last time, Viola aimed a thunderbolt of well-deserved vitriol at me: "Thanks to you, Grandpa, we are now homeless, and likely to freeze to death when winter comes!"
True, I had lost Blemnox Mansion through heavy borrowing, but it had paid for my wife’s medical bills, Viola's failed nail polish company and, yes, my gambling debts. "Viola, dear,” I replied, “we still own the land surrounding the mansion, and it extends far enough south that we can live in the camper during the mild winters there." As we drove south the next day, Viola tried to convince me that the camper would be a dangerous place to live because of the herds of Komodo Dragons that would be there, but her point became moot after we accidentally left the road and sank inexorably into this quicksand…
Part 2
After a kind stranger rescued Grandpa and Viola from the quicksand, Viola decided that any further contact with Grandpa would be hazardous, so she married a wealthy Count from either Luxembourg or Poland (his accent was so thick she couldn't tell which, and the landscape at his estate could have been in either place). Meanwhile, Grandpa was living in the shade of a butternut tree behind Blemnox, trying to win the forest from a group of squirrels that were addicted to a betting game that used acorns as chips.
One day, Viola came to the foot of Grandpa's tree to tell him she had regained Blemnox by helping her son Jasper win it in a poker game, and that she now had custody of the lad after her divorce from the Count.
When Grandpa realized that he must be quite ancient now that he had a great-grandson, he restrained his urge to skip merrily along the garden path to Blemnox. His urge to drink himself unconscious was not so easy to resist, however.
Back at the house he slept off his massive hangover, while Viola began to suspect that her beloved Grandpa was in the beginning stages of dementia, and would need counseling at the very least.....
Part 3
The doctors who examined Grandpa determined that committing him to their psychiatric institution would do less good than leaving him under the loving indifference of Viola. Viola had little time for Grandpa, however, as Jasper was going through a difficult period regarding his sexuality. Several times a day she had to go down to
Bitterwater Pond to retrieve him from the water, where he was trying to mate with a particularly large catfish.
Grandpa didn't even notice any of this, as he was busy with hunting, the sport that his own grandfather had taught him back in the days before the estate's foxes, stags, and wild boars had departed for greener forests. The only animals left to hunt were wuheebies, giant snails that rode around in red go-carts with the letter "S" on the
license plates, as if begging onlookers to exclaim, "Look at that 'S' car go!"
Part 4
The years passed eventfully at Blemnox, with Jasper resolving his sexuality issues and marrying a woman geologist named Fluorine, and Viola taking clarinet lessons so she could play duets with her friend Claire, who played the viola.
Grandpa was on his deathbed a couple times, but he regained his health when Viola arranged to have Blemnox designated as a Historic House so developers would never tear it down in order to put up a Wal-Mart or a fried chicken franchise. In order to achieve the Historic House designation, Blemnox needed a geological analysis, for which Fluorine gathered a team of experts. The team's final report coincided with Jasper's giving birth to twins (Fluorine had been too busy to bother with pregnancy, so she had found a doctor who could make Jasper carry the babies instead), and was unexpectedly downbeat.
"There's a lot of bad news about Blemnox and only a little bit of good news," the team's leader told the family, "with problems that include radon in the basement, lead in the water, an ancient Indian burial ground 30 feet down, a geological fault two miles down, a toxic waste dump under the gazebo, sharks in Bitterwater Pond, crop circles in the corn field, poison ivy in most of the forest, major damage to the sewage system, and (here's the little bit of good news) not much likelihood that developers would want to deal with the preceding issues."
Part 5
Viola found it annoying that Grandpa would sometimes pretend to be wasting his time by chasing snails in go-carts, but actually be hiring surveyors and spectographers to debunk the geologists' claims about Blemnox's problems. As she sat down to dinner one night, she realized that this was such a time, as Grandpa kept throwing out tidbits of information such as "Y'know, I found out that the gazebo is on our neighbor's land, not ours" or "that's not an Indian burial ground under the house, but gold and silver deposits worth hundreds of millions of dollars..."
When she dug deeper, she realized that Grandpa was deeply worried that the geologists' report would cause the local government to condemn Blemnox as overly toxic and kick them all out.
As it turned out, an innovative minerals-extraction company found a way to get the gold and silver out of the ground without weakening the house's foundations. Suddenly they were wealthy enough to make the estate an environmental and aesthetic paradise that people would come from far and near to gawk at...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
