h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Willis O'Brien - Creator of the Eighth Wonder of the World - A87832696
Author: Bluebottle - U43530

An article about one of America's most influential, and tragic, film makers.

<BB<

Hi <BB<

Thanks for writing this, I knew nothing of this person before I began reading
What a sad story, I'm reminded of the tragedy in Roy Orbison's life

A few comments:

"and it is believed that the medicine that she was severely affected her moods and judgement" I think that "was" should be "took" so it makes sense.



"credibility. Whether or not his name lent the film credibility is academic, however it did not benefit Obie's credibility,"
the repetition of "credibility" three times within two sentences gave me a feeling of deja vu, please would you replace or remove?



"she commited suicide" = committed



"Curiously Obie's most famous film, King Kong and its remake, would later inspire theme park ride." that's 2 films, and there's a missing "a" before "theme"



"Obie was cremated with his ashes interred at the Chapel of the Pines, Los Angeles." he was cremated *then* his ashes were interred...



A couple of links:
Outliving Your Child - A39115721
Breast cancer - A32364344



GB

Thanks for those comments – changes all made as per your suggestions.

It is a really tragic story – especially regarding his sons. I was intrigued after reading a brief comment in a film review that he distanced himself from working on 'Son of Kong' after the deaths of both his sons, but learning about exactly how they died was shocking.

<BB<

A87832696 Willis O'Brien - Creator of the Eighth Wonder of the World

Good entry, Bluebottle!

I've looked at about half of this, down as far as the heading "Co-operating with Cooper".

The title is tantalising, because it doesn't tell us what the 8th Wonder is. While this might be a good technique in journalism, searchability is much more important in a Guide such as h2g2, so it should mention "King Kong" in the title.

There doesn't appear to be an entry on King Kong at the moment. Is this going to be the main one, or do you intend to write a separate entry giving more detail on King Kong? I think it deserves it.

You use his nickname "Obie" throughout the entry. Shouldn't you use his actual name "O'Brien"?


" He also used his artistic talents as the San Francisco' Daily World's sports cartoonist, with a particular fondness for boxing."

-- this sounds as if he had a particular fondness for drawing cartoons of boxing, but later you say that he actually was involved with boxing himself. Perhaps you could make this clear at this point:

He was very involved in boxing. He used his artistic talents as the San Francisco' Daily World's sports cartoonist, with a particular fondness for illustrating boxing.

(or something like that).

where under pressure from Hazel's aunt, in 1918 married her

-- leaving out the subclauses here, you've got "where married her". You've left out "he". It would be better worded like this:

where, under pressure from Hazel's aunt, he married her in 1918

Also remove the the comma between Oakland and where to avoid too many commas.

"Soon after he was contacted"

-- you must put a comma after "Soon after" if you're using it as a short version of "Soon after this".

Otherwise it gets confused with the other usage of "soon after": "Soon after he was contacted, something happened".

Although Obie he felt angered and betrayed -- there's a stray "he" here.

The The Ghost of Slumber Mountain's premiere -- this is really clumsy because of the repitition of "The". Change it to:

The premiere of The Ghost of Slumber Mountain

Rothacker was manager of Billboard magazine, founder of the Industrial Motion Picture Company, as well as the man who owned the rights to film the work of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, including The Lost World, which had been published in 1912..

-- this is too long with too many clauses. Stop at "Doyle", and combine the next bit into the next sentence:

This included one of Obie's favourite books, The Lost World (1912), and he...

The rest of this sentence also needs to be broken up, so:

to co-finance the film, which was filmed in First National's -->
to co-finance the project. The film was made in First National's

Obie's experience allowed him to make these dinosaurs to an improved design, and Obie devised the use of air-bladders
-- change the second "Obie" to "he".

would appear to breath -->
would appear to breathe

working passionately on The Lost World took up -- I think you need a space after World. It certainly looks odd on my screen.

Creation of King Kong -- the word "Creation" should not be in italics here.

Radio-Keith-Orpheaum -->
Radio-Keith-Orpheum

"In September 1931, following the appointment of Executive Vice-President of Production David O Selznick, Merian C Cooper was hired to help prevent bankruptcy."

-- I think this would be better if you left ouf David O Selznick altogether:

In September 1931, Merian C Cooper was hired to help prevent bankruptcy.

shakes sailors of a log -->
shakes sailors off a log

in which Kong shakes sailors of a log, while influenced by the work of Gustav Doré -- it seems unlikely that the great Ape was aware of the works of Doré. Can you explain what you mean here?

The models filmed for this film included --> The models for this film included

dinosaurs including Brontosaurus, pteranodon, Stegosaurus, Triceratops, Tyrannosaurs -- you don't need capital letters for the names of animals.

The models filmed for this film included ... as well as people

Are you saying that there were models of people used in the filming? If not, remove the phrase "as well as people".

"Sons of Obie and Kong"

This seems like a very frivolous title for the biggest tragedy in O'Brien's life. I'd use something stronger.

In 1931, Hazel and William both contracted tuberculosis. -- since you've already introduced a second "Hazel", it might be worth phrasing this as:

In 1931, Obie's wife Hazel and son William both contracted tuberculosis.

became infected with cancer -- you can't become infected with cancer. It's not an infectious disease. I'm not sure what the correct term is. Perhaps "developed cancer".

it is believed that the medicine that she was severely affected her moods and judgement

-- this is garbled. Try:

it is believed that her medicine severely affected her moods and judgement

remained close and seeing them often -->
remained close and saw them often

RKO were unwilling to wait that long and wished to rush the film into cinemas

-- you don't tell us the name of this film until much later on, so the references to the cuddly baby Kong don't make sense.

his 35-year-old ex-wife -- you haven't at any point said that they got a divorce. If they were separated but not divorced, then she was still his wife, not his ex-wife.

the deaths of his sons --> the death of his sons

commited suicide --> committed suicide


I'll look at the rest of the entry later.

After the lowpoint -->
After the low point

Merian C Cooper was frustrated that, again and again, -- the repetition of "again and again" from the previous sentence is irritating and distracting. Change this one to "time after time" or something like that.

You have his wife spelt as Darlyne in one place and Darleyne in three others. Which is it?

Obie gave Harryhausen constructive criticism on how to make the models more lifelike, and later visited Obie and Darleyne at their home

-- this is garbled. Leaving out the first part, you have "Obie later visited Obie and Darleyne at their home".
The section also has too much use of "Obie", but I can't make any suggestions until you've sorted out the garbled sentence.

had been born in 1920, the year of Obie's own sons

1920 wasn't the year of Obie's sons, since they lived for a number of years. It was the year they were born.

a young boy and some cowboys who discovers dinosaurs -->
a young boy and some cowboys who discover dinosaurs

brought back to civilisations -->
brought back to civilisation

'Jasper and the Choo-Choo' -- should that be in italics?

"Some of the ideas for Gwangi were incorporated into the film" -- you never tell us the name of this film, until after you've stopped talking about it.

You use the terms "puppetoon" and "midquel", neither of which I've heard before. I'd appreciate footnotes explaining what they mean.

in the new Cinerama process. This was a new process which involved three projectors -- to avoid repeating "new process", reword this as:

in the new Cinerama process. This involved three projectors

overlapping three images on the screen -- I'd add: to make an extremely wide image

Obie applied to become an Imagineer -- I think it would be worth adding an explanation since the word is not an English word:

Obie applied to become an Imagineer, that is, a designer for Walt Disney. You'll then have to remove "Walt Disney" from the next part of the sentence.

as was the fifth, The Beast of Hollow Mountain, which he had co-written with his wife, Darleyne. -- this sounds odd. You say four of these were bought as was the fifth. You'd be better to say

"as was one which he had co-written with his wife, Darleyne, called The Beast of Hollow Mountain".

to clench the deal --> to clinch the deal

The painted background landscapes were painted by Jack Shaw -->
The background landscapes were painted by Jack Shaw

requiring cheaper methods similar to those employed by Harryhausen to be used -->
requiring cheaper methods similar to those employed by Harryhausen

and Ralph Hammeras ...also aided -- sounds clumsy, since you don't normally use "aid" without an object. You could say:

and he was also helped by Ralph Hammeras who had worked with him on The Lost World

20th Century Fox's had just successfully released -->
20th Century Fox had just successfully released
or even:
Fox had just successfully released

unable to request his name removed -->
unable to have his name removed (presumably he could request it)

Whether or not this happened is academic, however The Lost World (1960) did not benefit Obie's reputation. -- not sure what this sentence means. I think you intended:

Whether or not this happened is academic, however. The Lost World (1960) did not benefit from Obie's reputation.

but you might have meant:

Whether or not this happened is academic, however. The Lost World (1960) did not enhance Obie's reputation.

while undertaking surgery for kidney cancer -- this means he was performing surgery. You meant to say "undergoing".

"While he was preparing to animate for this film, on which he would work alongside another animated named Jim Danforth, who later worked with Harryhausen on Clash of the Titans, he learnt some shocking news."

-- too many clauses in this. Simplify it. We don't need to know about Jim Danforth working with Harryhausen - that's a different story. In fact, we probably don't even need know about Jim Danforth at all. You could also replace "prepraring to animate" with "preparing".

had just began --> had just begun

Cleopatra...
-- try not to end sentences with three dots. This should be just a normal full stop.

I'll try and have another look through this mammoth entry later when it's closer to its final version.

Thanks for the thorough read-through, changes have been made. I won't comment on most of them, only a few.

You're right, this is the first step in attempting to build up enough courage to write an article about 'King Kong' (just as I keep planning to write that article about 'The White Album' as soon as I'm brave enough )

The title is tantalising, because it doesn't tell us what the 8th Wonder is. While this might be a good technique in journalism, searchability is much more important in a Guide such as h2g2, so it should mention "King Kong" in the title.
After 15 years I finally write an attention-grabbing title... Oh well... Changed.

working passionately on The Lost World took up -- I think you need a space after World. It certainly looks odd on my screen.
It looks okay on mine, and there is a space there – what do other people think? Is a second space required?

Creation of King Kong -- the word "Creation" should not be in italics here.
Even though 'Creation' was the (unfinished) film that led to 'King Kong'?

"In September 1931, following the appointment of Executive Vice-President of Production David O Selznick, Merian C Cooper was hired to help prevent bankruptcy." -- I think this would be better if you left ouf David O Selznick altogether:
I can use this sentence in my article about 'King Kong' It's a start.

Are you saying that there were models of people used in the filming?
Yep

You have his wife spelt as Darleyne in one place and Darlyne in three others. Which is it?
As Dolly Parton would say, 'Darlyne, Darlyne, Darlyne DARLYNNNE'

'20th Century Fox had just successfully released' or even 'Fox had just successfully released'
As a lot of the article deals with films made before Twentieth Century Pictures merged with Fox Film Corps in 1935, I'll stick to '20th Century Fox' to avoid confusion.

I'll think of a better title for the 'Sons of Obie and Kong' section.

Thanks again,

<BB<

I've looked at the "Lost World took up" phrase again. In a small font in Pliny the italic d is very close to the non-italic t, but there is a notable space. Leave it as it is.

Creation of King Kong - I hadn't spotted that you were referring to a film called Creation.

I'm not sure whether it counts as a better title per se, but there's now a different title for the 'Sons of Obie and Kong' section.

<BB<

Sorry for not commenting sooner - I started reading it a while ago, and didn't get past the tragic section...

It reads very well. A couple of points:

In the Young at Heart section, you don't say what the film is - I see later it is Mighty Joe Young... I'd also prefer it if you replaced the words 'suffered from' with 'had' in that section.

Otherwise, very good

Added and corrected.

<BB<

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If you'd like to know what happens now, check out the page on 'What Happens after your Entry has been Recommended?' at EditedGuide-Process. We hope this explains everything.

Thanks for contributing to the Edited Guide!

Yay!

<BB<

well done

Congratulations

PR thread read

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GB