Ask Prof!
Created | Updated Jul 11, 2003
If evil ruled the world...
What ho! What ho! What ho! Welcome to the fourth edition of Ask Prof, the
column where your questions about science, politics and my good self are
answered! Fourth? My, my, we seem to be well established already, as
evidenced by the letters last week, and a total of four exceedingly long
letters this week. But as I really must include something of an introductory
section this week - ever the more urgent after last week's lack of one - I
must leave out one or two, instead to be included next publication.
Moving away from the subjects of politics and science - though the latter
does come into this a bit - I shall today bring to your attention the theme
of evil. And I am sure you know what I mean by evil: bad, horrible,
grotesque, dreadful, not to mention callous. Not the sort of evil we see in
wars on this planet (says someone residing on a space station) but the evil
that makes up the archenemies of this Universe, the monsters of diplomacy
and armed conduct.
Every good guy, myself being one of them undoubtedly, has an arch-enemy.
Some examples would be Arthur Dent's enemy Life, Bertie Wooster's Aunt
Agatha, Dexter's enemy Mandark, and even Sherlock Holmes' enemy Dr.
Mozerati, or something like that. All quite, quite evil and despicable. My
archenemies are well known to be the Morphs, a foul race of shape shifters
bent on Universal domination.
And this is what we find: evil beings are always bent on domination, be
it Universal or somewhere a little further down the celestial scale. I have
collected evidence of such instances throughout my career as a scientist,
and, through careful study, can conclude that evil is not as widespread as you
may think it is. The whole purpose of this domination initiative is simply
to expand evil's grip on the Universe, and not to ostensibly simply please
the evildoer's tainted mind. Reading closely here, we can see that evil is
not in a state where it doesn't need to expand, and so I deduce that it's
the recessive gene, if you get my meaning. It should also be noted that
money and power are not the chief things at stake here either.
Now I wish to address evil's actual manifestation in the Universe. I've
already mentioned the beings known as arch-enemies, but what exactly is there
in common between them? Well, for one thing, they have the ability to give
us 'the eye'. You know what I mean: that cold little gleam they give out
(and I'm not talking glowing eyes here - the parasitic Goa'uld went a little
overboard with that one). It doesn't mesmerise you as such, but does induce
a light feeling of raging terror in you. Many evil beings' eyes are in fact
lizard's eyes. The Morphs I mentioned above have lizard-like faces, and
h2g2's very own evil mastermind, the Krylma
Leader, even has lizard DNA. Unfortunately, even though I've spent
roughly three years studying evil's relationship with lizards, I've never
been able to come up with anything.
Another item is the obligatory evil laugh, and though the Morphs can only
manage a slight gurgling noise to that effect when in their natural state as
horrid, slimy purple creatures, most evil beings seem to be rather uniform.
The old 'bwuahahahah', 'mwahahahah' and 'nyeheheheh' routines are in common
practice now, but after careful examination I have found that the vocal
systems of the evil entities are always dramatically different from those
found in their good counterparts. So then, apart from inducing lizard-like
qualities in a person, evil has the ability to physically alter beings in
quite obvious ways. A well-known and recognisable example of this would be
Emperor Palpatine in his reign of tyranny in the Star Wars galaxy, who,
through the dark side of the Force, went all horrid and ugly. But then,
wasn't he already?
So people, using these facts I've laid out for you, I'm sure you can
safely work out who is and is not evil. Remember to look out for those
lizard characteristics and the true evil laugh. And please, if you can work
out anything about the relationship between lizards and evil, please inform
me on the matter!
Letters
Ah, here we are again! Another three letters for you his week. I'm sorry
I had to leave one out, but it will feature in next week's issue of Ask
Prof, never fear. Plus, Ming's been at it again with the questions, and I've
got enough now for three issues, not taking this one into account. Enjoy
your reading!
Subject: Parallel Universes
Recently, there has been a new theory put forward that shows there is
indirect scientific proof of a Multiverse - that is, parallel Universes - as
opposed to just a philosophical theory. Are there really parallel
Universes?
If so, how many dimensions does the Space Station Big C exist in?
An excellent question, and one I can answer with total authority! Indeed
yes, parallel Universes (aka alternate realities, aka dimensions) do exist,
and are used by many advanced scientists such as myself for varying
purposes. They are for example entirely indispensable in the field of energy
generation, as high-level dimensions have a superior energy transfer rate
for the most part, and when brought to this reality can generate large
amounts of, say, electricity. This is why I use Gelectrons, but I will touch
on that in a future issue.
The Space Station Big C - my home - exists in most of these dimensions.
Now, I know that because there are infinite alternate Universes I can't
really say that, but using my new InfiniScale technology (a newly
established standard with the GalactiStandards Agency, I might add) I can
determine a ratio where infinity is 100% and nothing is, uh, 0%. The Space
Station Big C - in its current state - exists in about 70% of all
dimensions, and is therefore a pretty dominant entity in this Multiverse you
mentioned. I think I'll also note that I, in my current state, only exist in
roughly 20% of all parallel Universes, so it's remarkable the people I meet
when I go on journeys to other realities. Did you know I've met my female
equivalent? Oh yes! Just like me, except she was a girl.
More of your questions will be answered next week, Ming!
Name: MaWSubject: The remarkably good effects of your column
Dear Prof. C. Tonks,
Using a variety of extremely powerful and difficult spells, I was able to
force the penguins at the Ministry of Magecraft to be quiet long enough for
me to read them your reply to my letter. I'm not entirely sure whether they
agreed with you about both parties being correct, but upon hearing of the
reaction of your observers to their experiments outside Andromeda, they
immediately drew up some rather long-winded declarations of peace (which,
using ready-made spells for the purpose, takes but a few minutes and some
suitable chanting) and began to tidy up in an attempt to see if their
research labs are still intact. So I would like to thank you for ending the
conflict - I can now tidy up my office, and open the Ministry to visitors
once more.
However, this newfound purpose among the penguins does, I believe, stem from
an unintended boost to their collective ego given by the news that your
observers paid attention to their weapons testing outside Andromeda.
Therefore if you see anything else unusual, I would ask that you let me know
about it, because it is not entirely beyond the realm of possibility that
the penguins might be planning something very, very big in order to show off
- like making the entirely of San Beta become invisible, or moving it to the
other side of the galactic cluster, or stirring it around as if it had been
attacked with a giant egg-beater. You may think these things are impossible,
but I've seen speculative mathematics in that area, and I think it is - if
the penguins can work out how to gather and channel enough energy to pull it
off, of course. I don't think they will, but underestimating a penguin isn't
the best way to lead a quiet life - especially not when it's a penguin like
the ones who work at my Ministry.
So once again I thank you, and caution you to be careful lest the penguins
try something drastic. I'll try to stop them, but I can't be everywhere at
once.
MaW
Minister for Magecraft
My goodness! Thankyou for the warning, my friend. San Beta has been
placed on full alert. I just hope the shield surrounding the Catchment Area
can hold the penguins off. The fact that these shields are not impervious to
magic does make the back of my neck tingle a bit. I'll have to install new
field generators soon!
I have, however, invented a number of anti-magic devices which allow me to
either influence the use of magic, or even protect myself from its effects.
I can't directly control magic or indeed make it, as I discussed last week, but I can at least try and help you stop
the penguins from causing too much damage. Do get in contact if you require
my assistance! Best of luck with tidying up the Ministry!
Subject: In front of such a mind, I have but one question
Dearest Professor,
May I humbly enter into your presence and bow before your mighty intellect,
keeping my eyes toward the floor of ignorance, but my ears open unto the
sound of enlightenment? May I approach your radiance and speak of the
question that has been troubling the great research corporations, of which I
am but a tiny cog in the vast wheel of advanced scientific research? Can I
at least sit down, as me legs are killing me?
Anyhoo, my question. The greatest minds of which I know, and indeed a few of
the lower wattage ones we keep around purely for the purpose of making
ourselves feel better, have been beset by a quandary. We have searched high
and low for the answer; we have investigated into all the nooks and
crannies, the backwaters and lifeless shoals, the rundown estates and dying
country villages of the scientific establishment in an effort to find the
answer. Indeed one of our numbers took our metaphors a little too literally
and had a nasty run in with Big Tam fae Possil in the name of research, but
he is now happily resting at Eastbourne, sadly unable to accept visitors. I
myself spent half an hour down by the river quizzing fishermen, and came
very close to some unpleasantness with a maggot.
So you see, having expended so much effort, and four pounds fifty on tea and
biscuits we feel that we must now approach your munificence and ask what
must be asked. Your greatness, your wondrousness, your sagacity...
Would you like some toast?
Ever humbly yours,
Munchkin
Why thankyou, don't mind if I do!
You know, it's a rummy thing, but you've touched on just the food I have
been lacking in for the past number of months. Although I partake greatly of
the cinnamon toast cooked up by the good Matina at Lil's Atelier, I have been without regular lightly
roasted bread ever since the Space Station Big C was open to the public. One
day in the Great Hall someone asked for some toast, and I hinted that
toasters were in reality the only things we couldn't operate on the Station.
Something about the darned things being unable to cope with the concept of
not burning bread, which the Computer had kept attempting to hammer into
their blasted circuits. Still, I shall take you up on that offer, if I may!
Indeed you've inspired me to conduct further research into the matter of
toasters, so I should have something to report on them next week!
And I'm afraid it's until next week that I must leave you now. A most
fulfilling episode this has been, with a decent lot of facts flaunted and
letters answered! Keep the letters rolling in, don't forget! Pip pip!
Yours with slowly frowning face,
- Professor Christopher Tonks
Minister for Science & Technology for the Alabaster House
GalaGroup Overseer to San Beta
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