A Conversation for The Sinking of the Shinano
Peer Review: A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish Started conversation Nov 18, 2014
Entry: The Sinking of the Shinano - A87843063
Author: the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish - U204330
hi
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
Florida Sailor All is well with the world Posted Nov 18, 2014
It looks like a great Entry, just did a quick read through. One thing I found a bit jarring - You need to correct the year in the opening sentence.
I first thought it might be about a terrible peace time accident.
I will be doing a full, careful read soon.
F S
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
bobstafford Posted Nov 18, 2014
few typos and it needs some more open space in the bigger blocks of text to make it easier to read.
The entry Excellent well done very, very interesting read
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
Whisky Posted Nov 19, 2014
Interesting story, quite a few bits to clarify though...
Line 1: 1994 Really?
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"The Japanese attacks on Pearl Harbour and more importantly on the Royal Navy in Singapore "
I'm sure there are an awful lot of American's out there who would dispute the relative importance of these two events... personally I'd just lose the "more importantly" from that phrase. (and change the 'in Singapore' to 'near Singapore' - assuming you're talking about the sinking of the PoW & Repulse, they were at sea at the time, when you say 'in Singapore' it makes it sound like they were in harbour.
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"Abe now powered Shinano up to 20 knots"...
Silly little point really, but as "Abe" is a fairly common 'nickname' used in the USA (Abe Lincoln...) I found it a little odd when it was used on its own like that to identify a Japanese captain... Maybe using his title throughout would be better: "Captain Abe now..."
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Near the end of the piece there's a phrase "As the ship leaned over, the water filling the vast hanger and exhaust systems sucked many of the escaping sailors back in to their death."
Not sure about that phrase... If I understand it correctly, and I'm not sure I do... it might read better with a couple of commas...
"As the ship heeled over, the water, flooding back into the vast hanger and the ship's exhaust systems, sucked many of the escaping crew back into the ship, where they perished."
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A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish Posted Nov 19, 2014
ahh, didn't spot the year thing !!
part of the issue with some of the big blocks of text is that me and the new guideml editor do not get on, and it enjoys rearranging the words in a paragraph into alphabetical order. Which obviously, does not improve readability. plain text editor seems to enjoy sticking in linebreaks rather than separate paragraphs, so some of the blocks of text have linebreaks but are not showing. I didn't want to add additional line breaks and stuff as the subs will hopefully tidy everything up anyway.
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish Posted Nov 19, 2014
tried to edit, various issues with captcha again and despite pasting in a clean copy, the editor keeps generating invalid guide ML
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
Whisky Posted Nov 19, 2014
The entry seems visible again...
Yet another point - just to annoy you
The first paragraph sets the 'present' as being 1944.
The second paragraph therefore seems a little odd when your reader has already said to himself "Ah! We're in 1944" then goes on to read a paragraph that starts "With war on the horizon..."
I'd suggest starting the second paragraph with something like...
"Some years previously, with war on the horizon..."
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
Whisky Posted Nov 19, 2014
Missed one, sorry!
You've got a stray bit of formatting towards the end of the entry...
"naviGators"
Looks like you did an automatic find & replace on ship names to put them into italics and it managed to reformat the 'Gato' in in the middle of a word.
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish Posted Nov 26, 2014
I replaced this about 4 times, but new2g2's editor seems to prefer this spelling !
A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
Florida Sailor All is well with the world Posted Dec 15, 2014
>>The problem was that nobody believed him, because the ship didn’t exist.
Might be better as;
no one believed the ship existed
>>Some of the port tanks were flooded in an attempt to stop the listing, but by 06:00 Shinano was leaning at 20% and the post tanks were now out the water and virtually useless. The engines shut down at 07:00, and Abe tried to flood the port engine rooms to try and counter to listing.
I believe the 'post tanks' should be 'port tanks'. You might consider a link to A87740355'
F S
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bobstafford Posted Jan 16, 2015
Key: Complain about this post
Peer Review: A87843063 - The Sinking of the Shinano
- 1: the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish (Nov 18, 2014)
- 2: Florida Sailor All is well with the world (Nov 18, 2014)
- 3: bobstafford (Nov 18, 2014)
- 4: Whisky (Nov 19, 2014)
- 5: the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish (Nov 19, 2014)
- 6: the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish (Nov 19, 2014)
- 7: Whisky (Nov 19, 2014)
- 8: Whisky (Nov 19, 2014)
- 9: the_jon_m - bluesman of the parish (Nov 26, 2014)
- 10: Florida Sailor All is well with the world (Dec 15, 2014)
- 11: h2g2 auto-messages (Jan 16, 2015)
- 12: bobstafford (Jan 16, 2015)
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