Dragons: mythical and majestic. Free and dangerous. Destructive and evil. Benevolant and kind. Imbued with magickal powers relating to a specific element.

If that's all you know about dragons, then you obviously have never met one. If you had, you wouldn't be speaking. In all probability, you'd probably be dead. So far, real information on dragons is as scarce as their teeth and scales. Those that do have solid information aren't likely to share.

What is a dragon?

A dragon is a creature as common as a vampire. There are myths the world over about dragons, with descriptions varying almost as much. There are two main descriptions, however: that of the Eastern style, or Oriental, and that of the Western style.

What is an Eastern dragon?

Eastern style dragons are depicted as almost snake-like in form. They are long, have short, stubby limbs, and have whiskers. Their snouts are relatively long, filled with sharp, jagged pieces of bone called "teeth", and often appear to have facial hair. The distinction between male and female is still unknown as of this point. Their colors range as far as the spectrum does, and they are usually found in more secluded areas. They have a tendency to be wise but aloof, looking down at humans that don't have enough life experience to know it's a poor idea to put so much investment in the idea of digital watches. Many are benevolent, showing kindness to everything they view as less powerful than they, which is just about everything.

What is a Western dragon?

Western style dragons are depicted more like lizards and reptiles than anything else. They have great, leathery wings on their backs, four legs, and are a bit wider around the middle than anything else. They range in height from about half a meter to about as tall as a medium-sized office building. They can weigh almost as much as well. They have a long tail that tapers down, sometimes ending in a claw of some sort. They also have a neck that resembles their tail, ending in their head. (Sometimes, one may confuse the two. That is a poor idea. Especially when you decide to pull one's tail.) Their head can range in shape, and no two skulls are really alike. They appear pot-bellied when standing on their hind legs, but they usually walk on all fours like a cat. Their scale coloration is either a metallic color or a primary color, but rarely outside of those. They have a tendency to lean toward greed, collecting a hoard of anything shiny and valuable by the time they reach adulthood. This hoard can range in size from a couple of small trinkets to a gargantuan mound of gold. Usually, it's just a few baubles of sorts. They are intuitive about the monetary worth of items, and will sometimes be seen using that skill as an appraiser of items. When they are hired by other people, western dragons will try to get as much money out of the deal as they possibly can.

What do dragons eat?

You. If you bother them, that is. The most efficient way to bother a dragon is to call it a lizard. The reason this is known is because nobody alive has called a dragon a lizard to its face. Those that might know the answer are probably dragons themselves. The best way to get this information out of a dragon is to call it a lizard.

Dragons can survive on non-human things as well. They, on rare occasions, eat children, which supposedly taste better for one reason or another. Many do not condone the consumption of children, as this leads to crying, anger, and food shortages.

Most dragons, however, never taste human flesh. Many prefer to eat a civilized meal of sliced cow, lettuce, curdled goat's milk, and such. Their sense of taste is often a bit refined, but many prefer food of higher quality than they can afford. Such is life, and they move on. I would suggest you do the same, unless you're looking for money. If that's the case, you should seek out somebody else far away from me.

The reason a dragon eats is to maintain its body. Without food, a dragon begins to slowly convert fat stores in its body into energy. When these (usually) limited stores of energy run out, they then begin to convert the rest of their body into energy. In the end, the dragon equivalently eats itself alive. I also hear that they like hearing the word "lizard" at this time.

Are dragons magickal?

As with humans, dragons have the latent ability to use magick, but that in and of itself does not make them magickal. What makes them magickal is their conscious choice to practice magick. This power is also shared with humans and most other sentient things throughout the universe.

Magick isn't card tricks or fireballs. Card tricks are sleight of hand, while fireballs are pyrotechnics. True magick is more of an influence of luck, circumstance, and the way the world works. A baby's smile is magickal, as is a first kiss. Humans, because of the way they wear their shirts, are less apt at sensing magick. Dragons, however, are able to sense even minute manipulations of circumstance. It is this enhanced sense that gives them their reputation as magickal.

Aren't dragons invincible?

Far from it. Dragons are actually quite easy to kill. Many people who try to kill a dragon just go about it the wrong way. Running into a cave while waving a large, heavy knife is about as effective against a dragon as it is against a truck. The way to kill a dragon is by removing all fear, doubt, and disbelief from yourself, taking a deep breath, aiming for the head, and pulling out a gun, blaster, ranged weapon of your choosing, etc. Oh, and it helps if you yell "lizard" when you miss.

FINDING a deceased dragon is a highly improbable task if you're looking for a body. Many dragons rarely take their true form in the physical world. They can, however, kill you in it. So, barring the bout with insanity that would lead you to hunting down a dragon graveyard, keep at least five to seven kilometers between you and their graveyards.

Do dragons really breathe fire?

Unfortunately for you and your marshmallow on a stick, real dragons do not breathe fire. If they did, flying and hunting would kill them more quickly than starving.

A dragon expelling a gout of flame from its nostrils is also a bit misleading. Most dragons lack the ability to withstand fire for long periods of time. Holding fire within them would probably cook them to death. It would also make everything they eat taste like charcoal, which can only be likened to used tennis shoes. Considering that dragons sometimes eat things that wear tennis shoes or use charcoal, it is unsure as to whether or not they would truly mind.

Aren't dragons supposed to be gifted with special powers, like control of fire or ice?

If a dragon possessing complete control of a force of nature were to arise, it is highly doubtful that they would be hiding. They have gone into hiding to avoid extinction, spreading rumors in much the same way vampires have to deter and mislead any would-be slayers. Ironically, those rumors have lead to easy meals walking right into their lairs. Most of them also tend to shout "lizard" as well.

Where do dragons like to live?

In large, box-like dwellings in things called "suburbs" on a planet called "Earth".

Is there any way to protect myself from a dragon attack?

The only known survivor of a dragon attack claims that he assumed the "Party Transport Position". The exact nature or reason for the position is still under investigation, and the dragon is currently on display in the lower levels of the United States White House. Any knowledge of it is purely fictional according to several non-existant papers in a filing cabinet in the US President's office.

If a dragon attacks you, I would highly suggest you assume your own "Party Transport Position" and hastily make peace with your maker. Assuming you're not a self-replicating asexual life form, that is. If that is the case, just hastily make peace with your maker.