I seem to have Freudian hearing when it comes to pop music. I tend to get lyrics wrong all the time. There have been books¹ compiling these sorts of things, and they always make me laugh, but I never buy them. So hey. I thought I'd document some of my stranger ones, and repeat some of the ones I've heard/read. I'd love to hear yours as well...

Researcher Mishearings

These are the botched lyrics reported by h2g2 researchers...

I've got shoes, they're made of plywood
• Song: You're the One That I Want
• Artist: Grease the musical
• Real Lyric: I've got chills, they're multiplying
• Origin: This cropped up with my college friends, I'm not sure who mistook it first.

I don't drink or swear, I ain't got no hair
• Song: Sandra D
• Artist: Grease the musical
• Real Lyric: I don't drink or swear, I don't rat my hair
• Origin: Krissy's friend Meredith always misheard this lyric as a kid.

If you like making love at midnight
And the jewels on the cake
• Song: Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
• Artist: Rupert Holmes
• Real Lyric:
  If you like making love at midnight
  In the dunes on the cape
• Origin: Cheerful Dragon - There's a line in this that I mis-heard right from the day I first heard it back in the '80s.

Only the goo die on
• Song: Only the Good Die Young
• Artist: Billy Joel
• Real Lyric: Only the good die young
• Origin: Krissy - I've been listening to that song since I was a kid and I didn't hear it the right way until I was about 18 years old.

Don't leave me here with my red dress on
• Song: Restless Heart
• Artist: Peter Cetera
• Real Lyric: Don't leave me here with my restless heart
• Origin: This one's all me.

I'd steal stuff from this guy for you
• Song: I'll Be There For You
• Artist: Bon Jovi
• Real Lyric: I'd steal the stars from the sky for you (?)
• Origin: Me again.

Apple-dapple-you
• Song: I Would Die For You
• Artist: The artist formerly known as Prince²
• Real Lyric: I would die for you
• Origin: Becky³

The chair is not my son
• Song: Billie Jean
• Artist: Michael Jackson
• Real Lyric: The kid is not my son
• Origin: My friend Jason's cousin

My Jukebox
• Song: Magic Bus
• Artist: The Who
• Real Lyric: Magic bus
• Origin: Amanda

Let me take you to Monkey town
• Song: Funky Town
• Artist: Lipps, Inc.
• Real Lyric: Let me take you to Funky town
• Origin: Amanda - my personal favorite

We've got big feet
• Song: We Got the Beat
• Artist: The Go-Go's
• Real Lyric: We got the beat
• Origin: lee lee's college roommate

I resign
• Song: How Bizarre
• Artist: OMC
• Real Lyric: How bizarre
• Origin: Oryan

You want to shag violently
• Song: What's The Frequency, Kenneth?
• Artist: R.E.M.
• Real Lyric: You wore a shirt of violent green
• Origin: Ormondroyd

The music would play and Talina would whirl
• Song: El Paso
• Artist: Marty Robbins
• Real Lyric: The music would play and Falina would whirl
• Origin: Tali - A friend of my father's thought her name was Talina and that's how I got my name - from a misheard song lyric.

I'm a lot of faith
• Song: Torn
• Artist: Natalie Imbruglia
• Real Lyric: I'm all out of faith
• Origin: G

I'm stuck on the loo tonight
• Song: Loaded
• Artist: Primal Scream
• Real Lyric: I don't wanna lose your love
• Origin: Researcher 46786's sister's boyfriend

Now don't you smile friend
• Song: The Sounds of Silence
• Artist: Simon and Garfunkel
• Real Lyric: Hello darkness, my old friend
• Origin: C

Intentionally Misheard

These are lyrics that have been changed to suit another purpose, or for the sake of parody...

The only boy who could ever cheese me was the son of a pizza man
• Song: Son of a Preacher Man
• Artist: Aretha Franklin
• Real Lyric: The only boy who could ever teach(?) me was the son of a preacher man
• Origin: This was more of a parody than a mistaken lyric (Becky and I got bored one day) - but I haven't been able to hear the song the same way since.

Oh, oh, my ears are alight
• Song: Israelites
• Artist: Desmond Dekker
• Real Lyric: Oh, oh, the Israelites
• Origin: Anna - it's that line from Desmond Dekker, used by some audio tape company for an ad

You'll go bald, you'll go bald, you'll go bald/Rogaine
• Song: Cocaine
• Artist: Eric Clapton
• Real Lyric: She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie/Cocaine
• Origin: Flyboy - I used to work in an auto shop and we re-worked tons of lyrics for fun.

I can see Dierdre now Lorraine has gone
• Song: I Can See Clearly Now
• Artist: Tom Jones (?)⁴
• Real Lyric: I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
• Origin: G

Widely Mistaken/From the Books

These are 'borrowed' from print sources...

There's a bathroom on the right
• Song: Bad Moon Rising
• Artist: Creedence Clearwater Revival
• Real Lyric: There's a bad moon on the rise
• Origin: I think this one was from a book...

I am a rock, I am an onion
• Song: I Am A Rock
• Artist: Simon & Garfunkel
• Real Lyric: I am a rock, I am an island
• Origin: I think this one was from the same book...

'Scuse me while I kiss this guy.
• Song: Purple Haze
• Artist: Jimi Hendrix
• Real Lyric: 'scuse me, while I kiss the sky
• Origin: Spartus - That one is the *title* of the book you were talking about, but I still giggle at it. For some reason.

Universally Garbled

In this category, we have lines that are so unintelligibly sung, there aren't even mistaken lyrics; the lines are instead blurred into mumbling by anyone singing along...

Close friends get to call him TC, ner ner ner ner ne-ne-ne nerrr, Top Cat!
• Song: Top Cat Theme
• Artist: Hanna-Barbera
• Real Lyric: Close friends get to call him "T.C."/Providing it's with dignity./Top Cat!
• Origin: Anna - Now what's the missing line? I've been dying to know for years!

Something-something-something-something-something-something of Jackie's car
• Song: Jack and Diane
• Artist: John Cougar Mellencamp
• Real Lyric: Diane's debutante back seat, of Jackie's car (thanks Hypoman!)
• Origin: Me, and everyone I've ever sung along to that song with. It's a phenomenon in itself.

Honorable Mentions: Entirely Garbled

These are instances of entire songs being completely garbled...

• American Pie (Hypoman)
• My Bloody Valentine (Linus)