h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

January 24th is International Belly Laugh Day.
http://www.bellylaughday.com/bellylaughdayhome.html



~jwf~

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything..'
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I phoned the local builders, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Editorial Note: This conversation has been moved from 'Ask h2g2' to 'Miscellaneous Chat'.

Thank god they moved that before someone read it and laughed.

Yeah, and also thank god that everyone subscribed to Ask still are subscribed, and now can follow the thread and find more chat in this forum

I don't know how I'd manage to cope with the torrent of postings coming through these forums without you to helpfully categorise them for me.

Always glad to help, dear.

What happen Chief Shortcake died?

Squaw bury Shortcake

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People ask me why I like to get up on stage and tell jokes. I answer that there's something inside me that has to come out. If you had it in you, you'd want it out, too.

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She called her mother on the phone and said that she had just become engaged. "I want to get married in the worst way," she said.

"Well," her mother replied, "This is it."

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"I didn't come here to be insulted."

"Really? Where do you usually go?"

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On the first day of the safari I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

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"What would you say if I told you that I'm not from here, but from a planet that orbits Betelgeuse?"

"Why, is that the sort of thing you feel you're likely to say?"

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"Did Captain Cook die during his first expedition or his second?"

"His first, I think."

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When you live in a banana plantation, you never have to wonder where your slippers are.

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It's nice to live where there are so many bananas. each one has a lot of peel.

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Doctor Frankenstein was pleased with his staff. His assistant was Igor to please.

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"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

"Don't say it so loudly, or everyone will want one."

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Where was moses when the lights went out?

In the dark

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I could go on, but somebody just pressed the off button

I like those jokes

If you throw in enough jokes, there's bound to be one or two that are funny.