Spoils of War: Festival of Wit
Created | Updated Oct 4, 2015
This ridiculous book, published in Dublin in 1783, claims to be written by somebody whose initials are G.K., who is a 'summer resident at Windsor'. We are supposed to think this tome was penned by King George III in emulation of the famous erudition of Frederick the Great, King of Prussia. The volume is even dedicated to Frederick!
It's a JOKE BOOK.
Personally, we think the 'jokes' were contributed by Prof Animal Chaos. Read this, and see what you think.
THE FESTIVAL OF WIT; OR, THE SMALL TALKER
To Frederick the Third, King of Prussia.
Illustrious Monarch!
The pleasure I feel in dedicating this collection (the amufement of my leifure hours) to a Warrior and Poet, whofe fame in both departments is univerfally acknowledged, is fuch as Grecian and Britifh idolatry only have experienced at the hallowed fhrines of Homer and Shakefpeare! I have no doubt, when your Majefty relaxes after the fatigue of military operations, but my little prefent will prove an agreeable companion to you and the venerable warriors of your board and fire-fide. Britifh wit is in univerfal eftimation in all polifhed1 nations, and has ever found a favourable reception at the Court of the prefent illustrious Monarch of Pruffia. Your Majefty will find very little to condemn, and much to applaud; you will find in it what has diftinguifhed our Britifh ladies above all others in the univerfe: Beauty! Livelinefs! Wit! Genius! Elegance! and irrefiftible Perfection ! — In relating any of the good things in this little volume, if I fhould ever learn that you took a pinch of fnuff extraordinary, (which has been ever looked upon as a fure mark of your approbation) my exultation will be boundlefs.
I am, my dear Sir,
Your Majefty's admirer,
And afFectionate friend,
G.K.
Ed Note Explaining the Punchline: Fred the Great wrote a lot, especially to his pen pal and BFF Voltaire. Fred even composed music. He was a well-known genius. George III, on the other hand, was known to be more interested in farming. Fred was a media darling around the world. They told stories about him, named pubs after him (there's a whole mall named after him in Pennsylvania), and generally oohed and aahed. If Fred were around today, his mug would sell supermarket tabloids. Apparently, getting him to take a pinch of snuff (or 'fnuff') meant your joke was going over really well. Let's see if this one is fnuff-worthy.
Joke About Lawrence Sterne
The whimfical and immortal author of Triftram Shandy was married to Mrs. Sterne on a Saturday morning: his panfhioners had timely notice of this circurnstance, and knowing he would preach the next morning at his parifh church, and defirous at the fame time of feeing the bride, they affembled in fuch crowds, that the church was full before the bell had done tolling. The bride, as was expected, made her appearance, and the country folks indulged themfelves with the ufual obfervations, 'till Sterne mounted the pulpit: Here every eye was directed to him, and every ear ready to catch the words of his text, which turned out, to their astonifhment, to be the following: "We have toiled ALL NIGHT, AND HAVE CAUGHT NO fish." The congregation looked at each other, fome fmiled, others ftopped their mouths with their handkerchiefs to prevent them from laughing, while the old folks wore very ferious faces, and thought the humourist a very odd fort of a man for a pulpit lecturer: however, they attended to his difcourfe, which turned out, as ufual, very inftructive; and all went home very highly delighted with the text, but poor Mrs. Sterne, who blufhed down to her fingers-ends every ftep of the way to her houfe.
Oh, gack. That's worse than Vegas material. Here's one more, and then, we swear we'll quit.
A clergyman of Neuf Chatel chapel preached against eternal d—n2. His parifhioners were fo difgufted with him, that they would not afterwards fuffer him to enter the church door, nay they even pelted him. The King hearing of it, ordered the doors to be thrown open to the prieft, that he might refurne his function. The parfon now resumed his fubject. He would not allow of eternal d—n by any means; he had no objection to a limited time, even a hundred thoufand years, but not infinite punifhment. The parifhioners would not fuffer him to go on with his ferrnon, but pulled him headlong from his roftrum, turned him out of the church, and again pelted him. The King fent for the prieft, and cenfured him for his abfurdity in refuming a fubject fo obnoxious to his hearers, and faid,"Since my fubjects of Neuf Chatel are fo fond of
everlafting d—n, they have my free leave to be damned to all eternity."
The Editor admits to actually liking this joke. The Editor is admittedly peculiar. Whether it would make the King of Prussia take a pinch of snuff, we don't know. Fred did have a sense of humour, though.
If you like jokes like this, enjoy the book. Even if you don't, you'll have to admit: humour has not improved a lot since 1783. No, seriously. It hasn't.
