Kebabs Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything


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Kebabs are a unique food type. Every culture in the world seems to have their own version of the kebab, but all of them share the same bizarre properties:

  1. Kebabs consist of burnt dead animal, served on raw green chopped vegetables in a sliced-bread product of some description.
  2. Kebabs are always served with a spicy sauce, and it is part of kebab-eating machismo to choose the most dangerous, inflammable sauce available.
  3. You should never eat kebabs during the day, only at night (except when left-overs are eaten at breakfast).
  4. The only time you ever really want nothing else to satisfy your hunger but a tasty kebab is when your brain is so pickled in alcohol (or an equivalent) that any member of the opposite sex, regardless of age, condition and presentation, is delightful, appealing and desirable. (See also Alcohol, Sex and Hangovers)
  5. There is little more disheartening than waking up the morning after a heavy night's drinking with a hangover the size of a small planet, and opening your eyes to find a cold, greasy, half-eaten kebab perched on your chest, its juices soaking into your shirt/chest-hair/skin/sheets/etc.

The best (the term being used loosely, given the state I was in when eating the things) kebabs I've tasted to date were sold in Stavros' Take-Away in Bath, England. Sadly, this superior establishment has now changed hands, changed names, and no longer provides its chilli sauce in reinforced containers labelled with the skull and cross-bones.

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