True Doctors’ Tales

A man dashed into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi!

The doctor grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady he noticed that there were several taxis - and he was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.

n she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep off the grass'.

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Nurses Reports

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
   
   
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
   
   
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
   only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
   
   
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
   
   
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
   year.
   
   
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
   disappeared.
   
   
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
   be depressed.
   
   
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
   
   
9. Discharge status:-
   Alive, but without my permission.
   
   
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
    forgetful.
    
    
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
    
    
12. She is numb from her toes down.
    
    
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home..
    
    
14. The skin was moist and dry.
    
    
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
    
    
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
    
    
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
    
    
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
    until she got a divorce.
    
    
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
    
    therapy.
    
    
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
    
    
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
    
    
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
    
    
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
    
    
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
    
    
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
    
    
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
    
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
    
    
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
    aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
    
    
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
    
    
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
    directions in early December.
    
    
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
    sit on the abdomen and I agree.
    
    
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
    
    
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
    was feeling better.