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How to Deal with Mosquitoes

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A mosquito

It's a dark and quiet night.

You're lying on your bed, still wearing trousers, but nevertheless asleep. Several dreams have just rumbled through your head, when you suddenly wake up and notice something. You notice that you don't notice anything, until you suddenly hear the sound:


Your head is filled with pictures of long nights standing in the middle of your room, doing nothing but waiting by the light switch for the sound to come again:


The humming is getting louder and louder until the final sound comes:


Everything goes quiet. You know exactly that when the humming stops abruptly, just after reaching its climax, the small invisible beast is sitting somewhere on your face. And then you react just as always - your head shakes furiously, your arms are thrown upwards bashing the blanket all around you and your feet start punching temporary holes into the air. This panic attack calms immediately after you have dug yourself out from under the blanket and cushion, and you get some rest in the midst of the thick, fluid air, with too much space and too many possibilities for the mosquito to reach your skin.

As nearly everyone has managed to deadlock himself in his own bed just like that, here are some tips to deal with mosquitoes in a better way.


At first, be sure to do anything so the mosquitoes cannot come into your sleeping room. This includes the following:

  • Close all windows when it is dark outside.

  • If you have to open a window, block the passage with a curtain. If you have enough money and live in an area with many mosquitoes, be sure to buy a mosquito net. There are nets for windows or beds. A net in front of the window makes your whole room safe. A net for the bed is a very unsafe option - mosquitoes always find some hole they can fly through, or if your skin touches the net, they can reach it without needing to get inside the net.

  • Get a chemical weapon. Buy a small machine that plugs in, then creates a smell that makes mosquitoes think rival mosquitoes are already there, making them avoid your room. The disadvantage to this is that it smells very bad and it may not be very good for your health either.

  • Apparently a sound is also available which mosquitoes don't like, yet is ultrasonic to humans.

But never, ever assume you are safe. They will find some way of getting past your defences...

Dealing with a Mosquito

If you hear a mosquito, scramble towards the light switch. Don't assume you'll see the mosquito because the light is on. Keep your glasses beside your bed, and do not forget that you'll be half-asleep for the whole thing.

After switching the light on, scan the walls for some small black dots. Don't be too hasty, this step can take hours! If you see a mosquito, don't panic! There are several methods available to handle the situation.

The cruel method, and one that should be avoided by the squeamish or anyone who believes in reincarnation or karma, is to try to kill the mosquito. This can be done with your hands, cushions, or any other soft club with which you can hit fast and precisely.

  • Wait until the mosquito is sitting on something that will not break when you are trying to beat it. Never hit mosquitoes when they are sitting on things that are alive, or else you are going to hurt someone!

  • Avoid any weapons like firearms, baseball clubs, flamethrowers or suchlike. If you are an expert in spitting, have a try with your 'natural weapons' too.

  • If you have to climb onto something while trying to reach the mosquito, be sure that what you climb on doesn't have wheels - never forget, the sleep attack can come any second.

If you prefer a more humane way to get rid of a mosquito, always have two things in your sleeping room: an empty glass and some thick paper; you can try it with other things, but this is a foolproof method:

  • Put the glass above the mosquito, push the paper between the glass and the wall until there is no escape for the bloodthirsty insect. Take the glass off the wall and press the paper down so the mosquito cannot escape.

  • Pass through at least three doors, closing them behind you with your knees, legs or elbows. Open a window, drag the paper aside, shake the glass until the mosquito leaves, and close the window as fast as you can. Some clever guys may throw the whole glass out, but this will cause problems if someone has put his car in front of your house.

  • Run back towards your bedroom, taking the longest route to confuse the mosquito if it succeeded in re-entering the room. Make it look like you want to run to the kitchen.

  • Don't forget that the doors are closed, and remember to close them behind you. Do not worry about kicking them closed, even the worst angry neighbours won't want to drink your blood!

  • Scan the walls inside your room one last time. If there is more than the one mosquito, try getting the rest out through other windows, passing through other rooms.

After doing this until there are no more of the beasts inside your room, switch the light off, put your glasses back, and lie down again.

And then try to not think of the sound the mosquito made, or you'll be fighting imaginary beasts until sunrise...

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