The fourth of July 2005 is just another Monday to the world at large, but in the Canada-Mexico Discontinuity, it is known as The Fourth of July. Those of its denizens as can handle multisyllabic concepts, call it Independence Day. The day is celebrated within the Discontinuity by burning stuff, eating copiously, drinking heavily, and exploding stuff.

Act I

We begin at the mansion at 1600 P Avenue in Dodge City
where the Presider lives. It is evening of 4 July 2005, and the television is tuned to the Fair and Balanced News and Entertainment (FBNE) network. A spectacular fireworks display lights up the screen, with the usual unusually entrancing music playing in the background. The Presider has a couple of people in the Oblong Office.

The PRES - known by all and beloved by a debatable number

Bolomar FRIBULON - SISA* scientist

Joe CLYMBER - Not sure what he is...

PRES (having worked his face into a convincing scowl), What the heck is this? I thought we had some superduper fireworks on tap here! We needed the big thingies just to see this crap! We spent thirty-three bleeping million on this bleep, and you limp bleeps can't even come up with a fart!...Haha, fart. Get it?... How the bleep do you expect to shock and awe the bleeps with a bleeping crater on a stupid bleeping comet? And at the wrong bleeping time of day!

FRIBULON (flustered and defensive, resorts to regurgitating a recent press release), But it went according to plan, Sir. Better than planned, actually. We didn't have to exercise any of our contingency options, and the science we're getting back is phenomenal. We should...

PRES, You SHOULD have come up with a bleeping bang worth thirty-three million! Bleep, we could get a bigger bang for $6.99 at these roadside places. Get lost. And take some Viagra!...Haha, Viagra. Get it?

Two large Secret Service types appear left, and escort FRIBULON off right)

PRES (noticing CLYMBER for the first time), Who the hell are you?

CLYMBER (oozing to centre stage), Sir, I'm Joe Clymber at your service, Sir. I'm paid by SISA, but I work for YOU. (accompanied by the winning smile and two dancing index fingers which end up pointing at PRES) We should really just forget the (sneer) fiASco that just occurred today. Sir. There are so many better ways to Shock and Awe. (Conspiriatorially) We should start planning next year's surprise right now! (wink) Sir.

PRES (assuming a thoughtful expression, nodding slowly), I know we can do something cool. I just know it.

Act II

Later, in the Presider's Strategery Centre.

PRES

CLYMBER

Captain Rocco GROGAN - military PowerPoint(R) specialist

Remus DIBBLER - BBA* scientician

Clyde CRAMER - SISA manager

PRES (having assumed his 'I'm dumber than you, but I am the Presider' face), We want a big one on the next Fourth of July.

CLYMBER, Yes gentlemen, we didn't do too well. The Shock and Awe quotient of the Deep Impact thingie was like totally zilch. We need something to celebrate Our Glorious Independence in true style, in a fashion by which the whole world will be Shocked and Awed. Ideas, please...?

DIBBLER, How about a NuDet?

GROGAN (to PRES), Sir, he means a nu...um, nucular detonation. A Nuke, sir.

PRES, Out there in space? Can we do that?

CRAMER, Well, yeah sir, we can do a bunch of stuff in space these days. Even a nu...nucular bomb. But there are some folks won't like the idea. Y'know, like having a Nuke in orbit.

DIBBLER, Ah, but it won't be in orbit. It can go directly outward to like Mars or something. It won't spend a minute in orbit.

PRES, It? You mean just one? We need a whole show. We need red nukes, and white nukes, and blue!

DIBBLER, Sorry Sir, we only got one colour. Hellfire. The nuclear - sorry, nucular fire only burns one colour.

CLYMBER, Oooh, I see a ring of thirteen NuDets all at the same time. (Smile at PRES) And then, a real big one for Texas.

PRES, Yeeee-HAW!

GROGAN, Yee-haw, Sir. Shall I brief the generals?

PRES, Yep. Fifteen nukes. Thirteen and a big one.

Act III

1600 P Avenue in Dodge City, Fourth of July 2006, nightfall

Ten degrees north of the ecliptic, 1.75 astronomical units from Sol in the general direction of Scorpius

PRES, It's coming, it's coming, I can't wait! it's just like waiting for the Easter Bunny!

CLYMBER, Yeah. Everything's supposed to be on track. First, the thirteen at once in a nice circle, and five minutes later, the big one. It'll happen at ten, but we won't see it until a few minutes later.

PRES, And we won't be hitting anything? Nobody hurt?

CLYMBER, Nothing but some bruised Liberal sensitivities.(chuckle) And maybe a flying saucer, if you believe in flying saucers.

PRES: Haha. Flying saucers. Zoooooooom weeeoooweeeoooweee!

(Thirteen nu...nucular explosions in a very neat ring)

PRES: YEEEE-HAW!

(And the FBNE network dutifully broadcast his joy throughout the land. And throughout the land, the multitudes at their televisions stand and answer in chorus:)

YEEEE-HAW!

(Big detonation)

(Through the breadth and width of the Discontinuity, all manner of people are whooping it up. The PRES, yammering and gibbering unintelligibly, loses control of his bladder. The glow continues for several minutes.)