Welcome to Santa's Fun Grotto as you can see, Santa is relaxing at the moment, probably had one too many

There's lots to do and enjoy. Christmas poems and jokes including jokes.

Tell us about your oldest Christmas present and your favourite too.

Forget reality, Who would you really like to kiss under the

We have our own residental Santa who resides in the original Santa's Grotto

'Twas the night before Christmas Politically Correct'

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

You may like to read the original poem A Visit from St Nicholas

Why the angel is on top of the tree?

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: "Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

Christmas String

One Christmas Eve, when all the presents had been wrapped, there were just three pieces of string left.

'You know, we'll probably just be thrown on the fire,' String No.1 said.
'Or in the bin!' String No 2 moaned.
'We can't have that!' String No 3 cried.
'So what can we do?' the other two pieces asked.
'Let's go out for a meal!' String No 3 suggested.

And off they went down to the 'Greasy Penguin Cafe. It was packed with Christmas revellers. String No 1 said, 'Right, lads, what'll we eat?'

'I'd like some tomato soup,' said String No 2.
'And how about stuffed turkey to follow...and we could have Christmas pudding for afters,' said String No 3.

String No 1 went to the counter and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, my good man!'

The waiter took one look at him and said, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'

String No 1 went back to the others. 'He refused to serve me!'
String No 2 asked, 'Did you say 'please'?'

'No' admitted String No 1.
'Then let me try!'

String No 2 went to the bar and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please.'

But the waiter replied, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string.....and you're just a piece of string!'

String No 2 went back to the others to report his failure. 'Here, lads, let me try,' String No 3 offered. But, before he went to the bar he tied a knot in the top of his head and fluffed the end out till he looked like a piece of punk string.

He went up to the bar. 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please!'

The waiter looked at him and sighed. 'Push off shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'

And string no 3 replied 'No. I'm a frayed knot!'

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!

A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!

A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

No more fast food shop endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

Company stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Christmas Cracker Jokes

I think the manufactures of Christmas Crackers that contain quality novelties have missed the point of a . They are suppose to contain, a naff novelty, a silly hat and a corny joke, like those below.

Q. How do you stop a skunk smelling?
A. Hold its nose.

Q. Why did the foal take throat lozenges?
A. Because he was a little horse

Q.What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper.

Q.What will they do if the Forth Bridge collapses?
A. Build a fifth bridge.

Q.How do you make an apple puff?
A. Chase it round the garden a few times

Q.Which bird always succeeds?
A. A budgie with no teeth.

Q.What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
A. About 1 mph.

Q.Why do animals have fur coats?
A. Because they'd look silly in anoraks.

Q. Do you know the quickest way to the station?
A. Yes - run!

Q. What do you call just married spiders?
A. Newly-webs.

Q.Where did Sir Lancelot study?
A. Knight school.

Q.When do astronauts eat?
A. At launch time.

Q.Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one.

Q.Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A. At a jungle sale

Q.How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?
A. M.T.G.G.

Q.What can you make that cannot be seen?
A. A noise.

Q.What do monsters have for breakfast?
A. Dreaded wheat.

Q.What did the great explorer eat in the jungle?
A. Steak and pygmy pie.

Q.Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
A. Because his daddy was a mummy.

Q.What question can you never answer YES to?
A. Are you asleep?

Q.What lives in the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Q.What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do-you-think-he-saw-us!

Q.How does a monkey make toast in the zoo?
A. He sticks it under the gorilla.

Q.Wife: Did you take a bath this morning?
A. Husband: Why is there one missing?

Q. What kind of paper likes music?
A. (W)rapping paper.

Q. Why do bees hum?
A. Because they can't remember the words.

Newsflash: Forty pedigree dogs have been stolen.
Police say they have no leads.

Q.Why did the landlord refuse to serve the ghost?
A. He didn't have a licence to serve spirits.

Q. Teacher: Where are the Andes?
A. Pupil: At the end of your armies

Q.What do you call a man wearing ear-muffs?
A. Anything you like - he can't hear you!

Q.Doctor, doctor! Please can you help me out?
A. Of course - which way did you come in?

You can add your Christmas Cracker Jokes at the bottom of this page

Sing along to the tune of Winter Wonderland

Women's Underwear

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electricas devices.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it
in the back of your pickup truck.

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man

A Christmas tree is always erect.

Even small ones give satisfaction.

A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the
lights on.

A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

A Christmas tree has cute balls.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Thank you for visiting . Please help yourself to a and sign the Grotto's Guestbook on your way out.

MERRYCHRISTMAS

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