I'm a fan of musicals, and I'm not ashamed of it. I'd shout it from the rooftops if I could find a way up there. But even I have to admit that some musicals are just embarrassingly awful in a way that 'straight' plays and films generally aren't. Personally, I hate Cats with a passion, while others unfortunate enough to experience debacles like Carrie - the Musical will never be able to forget it, however much they might want to. And so, of course, I have tried to imagine the worst musical possible. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Warren!

This is a straightforward musical comedy featuring a collection of crazy characters, all of whom live in a rabbit warren. It would have a multi-level set representing various burrows and a grassy bank. It would have actors in furry costumes dancing in chorus lines. In short, it would be so bad that it could almost come out the other end of bad and be good.

The main characters are:

• Buck, a handsome but rather dim young rabbit
• Doe, a headstrong female rabbit
• Sage, a wise old rabbit who has seen better days
• Wesley, a weasel who has been raised in the warren after his mother was killed in a freak accident

Thus far, Warren! has never been performed or recorded¹. To give a taste of what the world is missing, here are the lyrics of two of the big numbers².

I Want To Be a Herbivore!

This song is Wesley's big number at the conclusion of the first act as he wrestles with his urge to eat meat, symbolic of the conflict between nature and nurture. The lyric is rather rough and ready, but the song is intended as a fun, tongue-twisting character number..

I was born to hunt and eat the rabbit bird and mouse

But if I ate these bunnies, I'd feel like such a louse!

My teeth are sharpened nicely, my jaws are very strong

But these rabbits found and raised me, to bite them would be wrong!


I could eat a carrot, but I'd rather eat a parrot

It's tragic but it's true.

I could eat a lettuce, but one thing you can bet is,

I'd rather have a stew.


I should eat a number of veggies like cucumber,

Not steak and kidney pie!

One thing that's not funny is the urge to dine on bunny

It's so hard to deny.


Yes, there's a longing in me I cannot ignore

I want to be a [PAUSE] herbivore!


I'd like to swap my pointed canines for a pair of nice incisors

And I wish that I could look at mice and not think 'appetisers!'

I'd like to think that vegetarian I could be very eas'ly

But the sight and smell of fresh red blood just makes me feel all weas'ly

If only my idea of haute cuisine was a cheese salad sarnie

But I'm fated to feel diff'rently for I was born a carnie

Vore!


I think I said it once before.

It's a fact I can't ignore.

Life would be much better if I was a herbivore!

Tunnel of Love

This song is the big love duet for Buck and Doe, sung just before everyone comes together for the finale. Some people have seen a level of sexual innuendo in this song, but they are clearly imagining it. The lyric of this one is more polished than Wesley's song, and is intended to be vaguely reminiscent of Cole Porter or Ira Gershwin.