Horoscopes Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything


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Astrology. The Original Science. The Sacred Geometry. Studied since the dawn of human consciousness and alcohol, when members of society too lazy to do any real work would lie in unploughed fields in their poorly-stitched leather jerkins, peer up through hop-soaked eyes at the night sky and think, 'What the hell are all those?'

The science led to the creation of horoscopes, based largely on the theory that all planetary bodies, all changes in climate, the seasons, the tide, even the way pools of muddy water form in unploughed fields, everything, everything changed and moved in accordance with a great Heavenly rhythm. Everything affected everything else. By examining this rhythm and predicting the next 'beat' an amazing wealth of information could be gleaned about the future.

Curiously, Astrology is one of the few sciences not to have evolved at all since the first observed solar eclipse sent humankind scurrying into their respective trees/caves/ponds for an early night, only to emerge a few minutes later feeling thoroughly confused and hard done by. Let me explain.

Back in the good old days a good way to get a feel for this 'Heavenly beat' was to watch the movements of planets. Now, the only planets visible to the naked eye from Earth are Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn, which were all doing pretty groovy things around the sun. And so the drunken field-dwellers watched the ballet of planets and said, 'Right. That's that, then.' And the future was predicted.

So what about all these other planets, then? Pluto, Uranus, and any others lurking about. What impact do they have on our lives? What about the other suns? Hmm? Well, apparently none. These other bodies were unknown to the field-dwellers, have never since been explained and so appear to have no bearing on the Heavenly rhythm.

Which chucks the whole theory out of the window really, doesn't it?

Now, in these enlightened days of satellite telescopes, inter-planetary craft and digital watches the whole thing has largely been dropped by the scientific community as a quaint, and often embarrassing fad, and shelved along with water divining and weather prediction.

Except, that is, for a small gaggle of 'journalists' who, in an attempt to avoid real work stumbled upon the science and decided that what the world really needed was a series of unenlightened, sensationally written inch-wide strips claiming to plot your coming month for you. With some sex-references thrown in.

As is often the way with these things, the journalists largely succeeded. Mainly due to the sex. Here is an example (of horoscopes, not sex):

Aries: Mar 21 - April 20

Jupiter enters your sign today, while Mars will have crossed by next week. Venus is fast approaching so watch out for showers heading east from the Midlands and prolonged traffic on the M1.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Throughout the week a big fiery ball will continually move across your sign, often for up to half a day at a time. Then it will disappear. But it will very probably come back. Don't make any financial decisions until Thursday.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Bad things are going to happen today. Maybe not to you. Maybe not to anyone. But you can be sure they'll happen. Oh yes.

Cancer: June 22 - July 23

You will be visited this week by a past friend, forgotten relative, or our Brother Beelzebub and his Dark Hordes. They may offer sound advice for your current love dilemma, so take heed. Or they may offer you carnal fulfilment, unimaginable wealth and power, in exchange for a Gateway to Our World. A week of prosperity and comfort lies ahead, or a thousand years of darkness, the horror of which has never, and will never, be seen again. Your lucky colour is: blue.

Leo: July 24 - Aug 23

Don’t use the phone today. Check under the lamps and inside electrical sockets. Do not watch television. Do not accept any post. Stay well away from the windows. If you have a cellar... use it.

Virgo: Aug 24 - Sept 23

Things are looking up. Expect to be reunited with a deceased loved one over the next two weeks. They will have much to say. Try not to vomit in disgust. Or in that gust. Hmm. You will struggle with humour today. Many people will think you are Jasper Carrot. However, persevere and by the time Neptune passes everything will be smelling of roses.

Libra: Sept 24 - Oct 23

A large red comet will pass through your sign tomorrow, bringing cheer and happiness to the forthcoming week. However, a large red bus will pass through your living-room today, so you’ll not be around to enjoy it.

Scorpio: Oct 24 - Nov 22

Metaphorically speaking your astral plane has a jammed landing gear and only one engine. Be prepared to delay touchdown for up to three hours and plot a new course. Make sure the passengers are gathered towards the rear and are as comfortable as possible. Tilt the nose down gently, but be ready to pull up slightly just before the point of impact to compensate for the missing gear. If you’re a pilot, stay in bed today.

Sagittarius: Nov 23 - Dec 21

Someone will tell you to 'take a chill pill' today. Hurt them.

Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 20

Saturn is moving into your neighbouring sign, so watch out for severe reality disorders. You may find that perception of your environment changes from time to time and things you once flet familiar with strat to make ltitle or on snse at al. Dn’ont pianc. Seke mdiceal hlpeep sa oon sa ooo cnnmn.

Aquarius: Jan 21 - Feb 18

Tough luck for Aquarians today. A military funded long-range weapons project in Colorado is nearing the secondary test stage. They’ve chosen your coffee table to be the target for their new satellite guided missile. Don’t worry! You will survive and inevitably try to claim compensation from the US government, but of course, they know nothing. What’s more you will be questioned by MI5 and eventually charged with Conspiracy to Murder under the Terrorism Act (1984) for harbouring an unlicensed weapon of mass destruction in your lounge.

Pisces: Feb 10 - March 20

Nothing will happen to you for quite some time. Stay in bed until the 3rd then check your mail. Have a sandwich.

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