Angst again (Mar 4, 2012)
Ruined another weekend for DT by writing this..
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(6 replies, Latest reply: Mar 4, 2012)

That's better <whew> (Nov 7, 2011)
Right. Will need to have a look around this new place but what a relief it is to be back somewhere familiar!

Facebook is driving me crazy at the moment and I feel further removed from my RL and OL friends than ever before. I joined Twitter mainly so I could communicate with the DancingTree as he can't stand FB and for old times sake I quite like communicating with him online but he rarely sees my tweets and rarely responds.

As I'm in my final year at school I should really rather be cracking on with it and some days / some projects I do. Other days / other projects stall until the deadlines start to approach the speed of sound whooshing towards me.

I've gone from doing as much weightlifting as I could, just to see what I could do, to fantasising about long runs, just to see what I can do. GP basically said I had a choice of running or weightlifting as my knees don't like doing both and I chose running.

Starting to think about Next Year and moving on from what I call the holding pattern. DT disagrees and says our lives have continued while I've been at Uni, which is true, but any big planning or decision making has all been put on hold. Mostly I'm scared and have no plan, other than fantasising about impossibilities.

How are you all? Finding your way around here alright? Your lives all OK? Seen any good films? Read any good books? Heard any great music? Had any epiphanies?
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(22 replies, Latest reply: Jan 29, 2012)

Anger Management (Aug 31, 2010)
So. Looking back over previous entries and blog posts, this isn't really a surprise.

I'm angry a lot. No particular reason necessarily, just angry. Today is a good example: had a nice lie in after a late night with DT, easy breakfast & lunch, read a bit, pottered a bit, planning a gym trip later with a swing towards groceries at some point. Fairly nice, calm day, really, by most people's standards.

But I'm sitting here, completely irrationally angry. I'm not taking it out on anyone, I'm not shouting or swearing or slamming doors. I'm not angry with anyone in my life and nobody deserves to be shouted at for no reason.

The odd thing is, until a random conversation with the school therapist year before last, I never realised I was this way, that I had this irrational anger, which although I can control it, certainly colours my days a bit.

Have had lots of nasty stuff happen. Have survived, mainly unscathed. Just residually angry.

So how to manage it? What to do about it? Yoga helps. Kickboxing helps. Exercise helps. Other people don't generally help, even DT. Even dog doesn't really help. Observing that I am angry for no reason helps a little, mainly because then I feel silly on top of angry, which is very difficult to maintain.

And I can't cope with getting angry - I do the typically girly thing and cry if I am legitimately angry at someone and have to discuss it in any way, leading people to think you're either a wuss or a complete lunatic, crying instead of shouting, shutting down instead of tearing someone a new one..
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(8 replies, Latest reply: Sep 3, 2010)

Things that make you go Grrr (Jan 16, 2010)
Last year was spent in something of a drug & hormonal daze. Also, with my blood pressure through the roof as it was, I didn't really have any energy left over, even if I'd had some brain power.

So instead of getting worked up about things that were unfair, illogical, badly handled, stupid, wrong, mean or anything else I don't like, I just kind of took it on the chin, shrugged it off and carried on going. All my energy was concentrating on managing myself, I didn't want to take on the world too.

(It might help at this point for you to know that my other life prior to Uni was spent as a fairly hard-core, high-flyin' PA. I've worked for some big companies and I've worked for some high level people. Basically I used to run their lives - and I was good at it.)

Now that I'm cured of the high BP, my hormones are fixed and normal and I'm not on any drugs, the old urge to fix things that aren't right is reappearing. The problem with that is that last year I was kind of happier, concentrating on my own little patch of stuff. Tilting at windmills is tiring, frustrating and ultimately, few things will improve.

At the moment I'm writing my final report for the first semester at Uni. The same brief has been issued to the 3rd years and to us, the 1st years. This feel a lot like setting us up for failure, although I'm assuming we will be assessed on a different level to them. There are no 2nd years to be assessed. (and that little fact is a story in itself)

My Uni is an Arts Uni. It's not academic in the common sense. There's a huge emphasis on hands on experience and we're learning a lot of stuff (like MIG welding, lathe-ing plaster, laser cutting and so on), some of which is immediately useful and other stuff which isn't at all at this point.

This is a small course - there are only 9 of us in the 1st year. Our teacher is also the head of department for our course and the much much larger 3DD department which includes glass work, ceramics, metal work and jewellery, with many more students in each of those.

Our teacher is very busy (and somewhat disorganised - my PA muscles are twitching) and as he is our only regular teacher, this usually means his time with us is cut short. On average we're supposed to have 6 hours with him a week, split over two days. We often only get one day out of those, i.e. 3 hours a week. This is our ONLY teaching some weeks. There have been no formal lessons or lectures, no discussions about parameters for things (stuff like knowing furniture is designed differently in the US to Europe to Asia - often due to average population height / size), or which materials are suitable for which sort of usage or their load bearing features or tensile strength.

I know we're in Yr 1, but somehow I would expect there to be some discussion of this seeing as how we are supposed to include it in our project reports!

Also, there have been several projects that have been cancelled and nothing has replaced them. We were supposed to do a 'flat pack' project in November - cancelled. We were supposed to have a week of learning how to build scale models - cancelled.

Our projects are due in on Tuesday, except our teacher has double booked himself, so he's asked us to bring everything in the following week instead. In effect, we've been given an extension, except we've not seen him since December and won't until the day of the assessment.

He is frequently late or doesn't show up - but when he's there he is hugely generous with his time. He is a brilliant designer and has worked for some really cool companies and he is just about the one teacher EVER that I can respect.

Which is why it kills me that I have this sinking feeling in my stomach - that this isn't going very well.

The reason I picked this Uni still stands. It is my local place and it's easy to do without uprooting everything. The hands on thing really appeals to me and I've very much enjoyed it. But I've also studied academic things before and I'm struggling to accept the whole self-motivated thing. I want to be TAUGHT something.

If I wanted an entirely self-motivated education, I'd have gone to the library or to the Open University. I want direction and attendance requirements and classes.

Now, I don't think I'm the only one with issues in the class. But I also think I'm about the only one crazy enough to try and fix things and I'm trying very very very hard to not get involved. I've even resigned as the student representative in an effort to be more self-centred and more selfish in a way - to concentrate on ME and MY studies, not everyone else. all the way.

But it's a hard fight. And I need you people to remind me why I shouldn't get involved and why I should just keep my head down and do my own thing and why I should complete the degree and why I shouldn't give up (again - that would be number 3!) because it isn't perfect and just go off and have kids.
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(5 replies, Latest reply: Feb 12, 2010)

Carp (Nov 29, 2009)
Well.

SAD is hitting, alive and well. I'm trying to get on with stuff, like prep for christmas, write a paper and generally do school work, but instead find myself not really budging from the sofa, which just upsets me further. Am back on antibiotics again as I seem to have a mystery infection in armpit / lymph nodes on the right, but no other symptoms, which is slightly freaky and worrying.

Don't sleep through the night at the moment. Border on panic attacks for no reason and feel rather fragile most of the time. Worst of all though is picking apart my marriage, which is fine and healthy and just normal if only I'd leave it alone. I found myself lying in bed last night with DT peacefully asleep next to me, mind whirling and wondering who would get the dog if we got divorced! So not going to happen and I know it, but the prodding isn't helping.

DT has kindly offered to buy me a few month membership to the gym. My favourite ways of exercising are running and swimming, but I find that running in winter makes my toes go all arthritis-y and painful and so I do this yo-yo of getting up to speed and distance and then toesies kick in and I'm back to square one. And we don't have room for a treadmill in the house at this stage - so gym it is instead.

This is both very sweet of him and also something that is getting me slightly excited and positive and anyone of those is a good thing.

Sorry. This place seems to be where I vent. As you were.
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(21 replies, Latest reply: Dec 7, 2009)

A little advice please! (Oct 18, 2009)
Post blob-ectomy I've been trying to increase my exercise with the aim of getting fitter and more able to do physical activities in June when we next go on holiday. I'm really into snorkelling, kayaking and would like to try some surfing as well, all of which require a more lithe / fit body than I currently possess.

Obviously, 'dieting' would help to some extent and I know the formula = eat less, exercise more.

But that's where I have a problem. My chosen forms of exercise are running and yoga, on alternate days. As I am still getting used to the changed workload at school from last year, this is currently the target and is not often met. I haven't given up on it yet though and will continue to refine my schedule until it is routine, like breathing!

However, when it comes to what I eat, I'm more confused and don't really know where I should cut down / reduce things. I know that I don't cope well with feeling hungry and that smaller more frequent meals make me feel better than three squares.

But what can I cut down? What should I eat more of? What less?

To give you an idea:

I can't eat apples, pears, cherries, strawberries, peaches, hazelnuts, peanuts, or any other kind of nut. I don't drink tea or coffee or alcohol or generally speaking, sugared sodas.
I don't eat red meat, generally speaking, and nothing I cook is ever deep fried. Mostly, I boil, bake, grill or fry in sunflower oil (about a spoonful at a time).

Where I know I'm doing the wrong thing to lose weight:

I eat too much cheese (my biggest fat intake comes from cheese, daily) and quite regular ice cream. I eat chocolate sometimes. I eat baked crisps sometimes. I eat pastries sometimes. (by sometimes, I mean about once a week, truly.)

I mainly drink water, orange juice and Pepsi max.

DT makes a packed lunch for me to take with me - usually involves a carton of orange juice and a breakfast bar, a sandwich, some baked crisps, a can of pepsi max, and sometimes a little treat. I also usually pick up a bottle of water during the day.

A typical menu for us in a week:

baked potatoes (mine usually with tuna mayo and cheese, or baked beans and cheese)
chicken fajitas (1 chicken breast for 2, onion, pepper, tortillas, cheese, creme fraiche)
spaghetti bolognaise (with soy mince)
sweet & sour stir fry (ready vegetables, fresh noodles, 1 chicken breast for 2)
bean burritos (refried beans, rice, onion, pepper, tomato, cheese, tortillas, creme fraiche)
chicken burger & chips (1 chicken breast for 2, the usual trimmings, oven-baked low fat chips)
and usually one night a week where we have no clue what to make and end up having a sandwich, or beans on toast, or soup, or an omelette, or a takeaway.


We don't eat fast food. We cook. We plan our meals in advance on a calendar. We've gotten better at portion sizes although they are still somewhat generous on occasion. Our biggest meal is in the evening, usually between 8-9pm.


So, you beautiful & clever people, what can you advise?
Have I answered my own questions? Am I missing some amazing trick?

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(19 replies, Latest reply: Oct 21, 2009)

I do what I want to because... (Sep 23, 2009)
I wear what I want to wear and I feel comfortable in, as if I let other people's opinion stop me, I'd have to walk around naked.

I eat what I want to eat because my mother is not here to make me eat meat / greens / fish (insert own pet peeve food here).

I do what I want to do because it makes me happier than doing what others want me to do.

I try everything and try to regret nothing.

You?
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(18 replies, Latest reply: Sep 25, 2009)

I Finish (May 8, 2009)
As of today in theory my first whole year at university is complete.

In reality I have to pop in first thing Monday morning with my plinth as one was not provided for me and I have to build it myself over the weekend and set everything up then.

Then it's a tense wait until the following week when our show starts off with a private view and then continues for 2 weeks.

The day after the private view we will have our results, at which point we will also get our results. If successful in obtaining a Level 3 grade we're sorted, otherwise we have to do a referral task to improve our grade.

Then we have to invigilate our show and then we take it all down after two weeks and this whole year is done.

It's been quite a hard one actually - around half the group that started in September has dropped out - so it feels like even more of an accomplishment to have done this.
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(34 replies, Latest reply: Oct 21, 2009)

A Difficult Choice - Women Specific (Nov 15, 2008)
Right, here goes:

If you in your body etc. were found to be incapable of carrying a child to term for your health or the child's, what would your personal Plan B consist of?

Obvious choices are:
to put up with it
- pets
- other activities

adoption
- from your own country
- from overseas

fostering

surrogacy
- direct
- host
- stranger
- familial

In this instance I'm not talking about difficulty conceiving, where IVF would be of help, but of physical reasons why you might be unable to safely carry a healthy child to term.

Obviously, this is all meant in the hypothetical but I figure there are some very clever people on here and surely some of you will have great ideas about this sort of thing, same as every other thing.

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(46 replies, Latest reply: Mar 28, 2009)

Busy - not dead (Sep 10, 2008)
Right, so I'm offline loads at the moment, not even lurking (yes, that feeling of being watched is me) .

I do still post and read and stuff but convos with me are going to be fragmented and slow. All worth it in the end, obviously, but I figured it would only be polite to warn people a little.

Currently, I'm trying to get a bit of balance going between work and school and having naps and homework and housework and sex and laundry and commuting and playing with the dog and not sleeping cause you had a nap which then makes you tired and then makes you need a nap. There is no logic in this.

On the plus side, school is fun.
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(16 replies, Latest reply: Feb 9, 2009)

Is it wrong? (Apr 23, 2008)
To feel frumpy when you're thirty?
It's not good though, right?

Maybe not wrong as such, exactly, but not something to make one pleased or proud.
Not dowdy though.
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(12 replies, Latest reply: Apr 25, 2008)

Out with the old (job), in with the new (Apr 9, 2008)
So, my Plan A! seems to be working.

New personal motto being 'slowly but surely' as opposed to 'just do it' (with apologies to Horace for replacing the old 'Carpe Diem' with the snappier noughties version).

I have resigned my job with glee and will complete my notice period this week. In fact, today we're having a little farewell lunch with a few coworker friends.

I have attended two interviews and been offered two jobs - out of those I have accepted one, not too far from here, that is paid more than my current (permanent!) role.

I start there on Monday and best of all, they know I am off to be a mature student in September and are fine with it - might even consider a part time role for me.

I appear to be developing something dangerously close to a five year plan, involving 'patience'. I have heard of this concept, this radical idea, but have never practised it for myself. Others I know have spoken of this practice and encouraged me to try it on for size and now it would appear that I am developing this habit.

Short term plans involve a spring cleaning of the house, gardening and going to the Barbican on a weekend.
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(8 replies, Latest reply: Apr 20, 2008)

Some News (Mar 3, 2008)
I haven't been here much lately - company installed a new webfilter and although i'm not really bothered about my job anymore, I don't particularly want to end up in a confrontation about my net usage as I'd probably walk out, ne'er to return to there.

In other news, I'm leaving my job in about August this year.

I have applied to and been accepted into one of the best arts foundation programs here in the UK, as a part time, mature student.

The course starts in september and I'm really worried / excited / impatient to start and the smallest little thing sets me off with regards to work at the moment because of this.

So I'll be downsizing my job to a more part timey one - anyone want to hire a bitter, twisted netholic, with exceptional admin and management skills for a part time role near to (my) home?

ismarah
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(No replies)

Florida Three Oh (Jul 2, 2007)
more low budget and low key than hawaii five oh, obviously.<BR /><BR />So i'm back from two and a half weeks in Florida on hols. managed to turn older without incident - spent the last couple of hours of one year and the first couple of hours of the next with a nice rum-induced buzz going.<BR /><BR />i'm pleasantly surprised at being pleased to be back at work. my event that i have been toiling over since february went off splendidly (if not without a hitch - who on earth fires the caterers on the day???*) in my absence. People seemed glad to have me back and i do believe i've lost a bit of weight - what's not to like about a new age, a new dawn, a new decade when it starts like that?<BR /><BR />so now i'm back home, broke, less full of grandiose plans than i was last time when i returned from FL and generally just more grown up. (show of hands - who am i kidding with this maturity mumbo jumbo?!)<BR /><BR />in other news, DT and I are thinking about reorganising / redecorating our living room. I am also thinking about a good time to join the gym (where DT promised to throw in 10 sessions with a personal trainer to get me going - does the man think i'm fat? &lt;horror&gt<SMILEY TYPE='winkeye' H2G2='Smiley#winkeye'/><BR /><BR /><BR />*the answer is - my team! two hours before service they fired the caterer because they figured they could do a better job themselves. catered agreed, and skedaddled. wuss.)<BR /><BR /><SMILEY TYPE='disco' H2G2='Smiley#disco'/>ismarah<BR /><BR /><BR /><BR />
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(8 replies, Latest reply: Jul 10, 2007)

off the wagon (Mar 22, 2007)
well, the choccy wagon flew by and i flew off it.

feeling very depressed today. think i've been watching and reading the news too much recently - too many deaths, pain and suffering everywhere.

Like the guy in France who got thirty years for stabbing the eyes out of his mrs. or the woman in Germany denied a quickie divorce on grounds of cruelty because the (female!) judge said that they were both Moroccan and domestic violence was only to be expected.
Like all the people in the UK that have been knifed to death in the last 2 weeks.

got ambushed at work today again - the MD does this every now and then. hate it everytime, it always makes me panic that i'll get fired. have only been fired once in my life and that was illegal and i got my job back through the union at the time.

feeling like a permanent, fat (cause obviously if you're depressed you beat yourself up about everything, not just the relevant bits) dropout. haven't finished my exam that i should have done on september (yup, last year) and i'm so close. waste of money as usual.

broke, want a raise but don't want to ask for it cause i don't want to work here. if i ask for a raise i'd feel like i needed to earn it.

also, doing my social avoidance thing. i am terrible at following things through socially and i always think people are just being nice when they indicate that they'd like to be friendly with me are just being polite. i never believe them.

i really just want to go home and go to bed and pull the covers over my head and have a nap, maybe with puppy lying next to me. whereas i know going for a run would reduce stress, tension and feelings of guilt about the chocolate wagon, as well as make me feel better about myself. weather is horrible and has been all day. but at least i'm learning what is good for me. just lack je ne sais quois right now to do that which is good for me.

funny how once you move away from a certain situation, like bullying, or depression, you kind of distance yourself from it. like nobody on here probably knows about the bullying in my past or the suicide attempts when i was the most depressed. haven't been that bad for years and aren't now, but it feels odd that this big side of my past, my life, is almost disappearing because the witnesses are all gone. you find yourself talking to someone new and suddenly realise that you can't say something because they don't know you, as in _all_ of you.

i console myself that i can post this here and nobody will read it because i don't have any friends, so my secrets are safe. nutter, really. want friendship want people want weirdos like me. don't do anything to make it happen, then beat myself up about that. don't seek out any people or maintain relationships in iceland well, beat myself up about that. this is just turning into one big pity party, a bit useless really.

so is that my redeeming quality - i am self-destructive but only to a point? i am moany until i get fed up with myself and start laughing at the idiocy? or isn't it redeeming?

in any case. i'm going home now.
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(21 replies, Latest reply: Apr 25, 2007)

Now, is this legal? (Feb 17, 2007)
Right, for complicated reasons, the company I work for are threatening to cancel my holiday in June that was signed off earlier in the week. Or trying to pressure me into agreeing to cancel it myself.

Now, the holiday was planned at that particular time for several reasons and I am not at all inclined to change it. I do understand their point of view, that they can't pull of that particular project without me, but fox em, is how I see it. They've screwed me over somewhat since I started there, most notably by not paying overtime until January this year, and while £2k isn't a huge amount, I wouldn't just piss it away either.

They signed it off and after that it's not my problem, although I am always careful to take a photocopy of all forms that are signed off, holiday, expenses, overtime, etc.

So, I've stuck to my guns and made my new boss look at me askance. He does this annoying thing of shrugging his shoulders in a kind of 'what can I do?' helpless way that is so fake and untrue that it's not even funny.

The question remains, is what they are trying to do legal? Can they do it and have a leg to stand on? Can I say no and make it stick? Etc.
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(13 replies, Latest reply: Apr 3, 2007)

New Family Member (Jun 12, 2006)
DancingTree and I will be extending our family in July with the arrival of Sam. Our little boy has four legs, a gray coat and a moustache. We're very happy as we took a while to find a breeder that we felt was trustworthy and shared our ideas.

I'll post some pictures of him when I can and link to them.

In other news, my parents are over. Usually it's a 'joy' to have them, but so far, so good this time.
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(8 replies, Latest reply: Jul 17, 2006)

Grumble grumble (Dec 19, 2005)
I clearly do not belong in the National English 'Mustn't Grumble' League. Ah well.

Today I'm annoyed about three things really.
Firstly, in my paycheck today I got docked a days pay for being sick. Fine, except in my contract it says 'consult company handbook' and in the company handbook it says 'sick pay is paid solely at the discretion of the company'. Nowhere is there any mention of having to be employed there for 12 months prior to claiming sick pay. Nobody took me aside after that day and said 'look, this is how we do things, glad the opportunity arose to discuss it' or something of the sort.
At least it was only a day, eh?

Second, the company did rather well last year so they've paid out to all staff of the last financial year, a nice bonus related to performance. As I started working there about a week into their new financial year, I figured hey ho, next year.

Thirdly, having worked for a lot of different companies, state-run as well as private, I have never before in my life not received some sort of Christmas bonus. I even got two last year, £40 from the company I was temping at, as well as a little extra from the agency. I think I'm probably just suffering from a case of over-entitlement really.

So, in other news; I think DT is going to hate his x-mas presents.
He remains stubborn in his denial to get pets. I want either a ferret (and yes, I do know they are hard to keep and realistically, impossible for us with all our leads and wires, but they have such character) or a dog. Believe I am wearing him down on the dog one. The thing that worries me is that I seem just to be rather a lonely person at the moment, having no friends of my own in the UK and a rather sporadic relationship with the people left behind in Iceland. So it all makes me feel very needy and the smallest little thing can send me reeling and I'm just thinking that my neediness is a rather large thing to put onto a little pet/dog/puppy.

In further other news, diets have been postponed until the new year. I never can think about not eating when there is christmassy food everywhere. Also, work do was rather jolly last week. I remained a perfect lady the entire time, at the envy of other laydies with my swap of flat strappy sandals for my previously worn strappy, sexy, ribbony stilettos. Result!


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(7 replies, Latest reply: Jan 5, 2006)

In My Life (Nov 3, 2005)
Not the Beatles' song, clearly, rather a list of achievements in my life and stuff - sort of as a reminder to myself..

This year I have worked, needed surgery, had the old car crashed, had a new car, had surgery, got diagnosed with an acute apple allergy and prescribed epi pens, got married, gone on honeymoon and got a new job.

Last year I got a job that I thought would be perfect but wasn't, worked, nursed DTs gran, buried my grandfather, bought a house, decorated a house, moved house, walked out of a job that was killing me on the inside.

The year before that, I was sick, worked, was made redundant, took some Uni exams, sold my flat, moved to the UK, decorated a flat, moved into a flat.

The year before that DT moved to Iceland, we had a court fight to get rid of the tenants, cleaned out the debris, moved into the flat again, redesigned and landscaped the garden, travelled, proposed to DT, sold the car, bought a different one.

The year before that, I bought a flat by myself, decorated my flat, moved into my flat, had tenants, went to CISV camp with the kids, was sick, had panic attacks, met DT.

The year before that, I paid debts and got ready to buy a flat, worked, saved money.

The year before that, I was hit by a car, ruined my shoulder, got a new job and was told I was going to be homeless unless I could support myself.

The year before that, I worked, got cheated on.

The year before that, I went to Uni, I worked three jobs, I bought a car, I dropped out of uni, ran 2 miles a day for 4 months, had a fling.

The year before that I finished college, decided to live, was an aupair, moved to the UK, moved back again, got a job, met my best friend.


So, I've clearly done one or two things, although it sometimes feels like I haven't. Too many nights in front of the telly, too many hours with my nose buried in a book. Not enough time spent sh@gging, making friends, exercising, planning the future etc. But not entire wasted either. Good to know.
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( 1 reply, Latest reply: Nov 3, 2005)

Weyhey! (Oct 7, 2005)
I got a job!
I got a job!
I got a job!
I got a job!
I got a job!
I got a job!
I got a job!
I got a job!

Sorry, I'm a little excited!

It's a permanent job, local to me, paid well, and more of a 'career move' than a 'job' so I'm really really happy. Doesn't hurt that I know that they're really excited to have me as well - had interview last night (for 2.5 hrs!) and then had the offer come through this morning at 09.30!

Now, having gotten married and having a new job , I just need to win the lottery or convince DT of getting me an Icelandic horse and my plan will commence!
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(5 replies, Latest reply: Oct 13, 2005)

hmm (Oct 2, 2005)
Today I bought a book about self-esteem.
What does that say about me?
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(4 replies, Latest reply: Oct 7, 2005)

Wedding (Sep 5, 2005)
Right, I'd done an absolutely massive post, that was very moving, witty and entertaining. Unfortunately, the browser crashed and pissed me off. So for now, let it suffice to say the wedding was lovely, the music was fabulous, the reception cool and groovy, the honeymoon relaxing, i've lost 6 pounds and that I know what i'm going to do with my life.

Oh, and here are some photos...
snubcommunications.com/wedding

cheers ismarah
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(5 replies, Latest reply: Sep 6, 2005)

B^gger! (Jun 16, 2005)
Happy birthday to me - oh guess what, you're enemployed as of Monday, cause we've run out of work for you and can't afford you.
Great.
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(6 replies, Latest reply: Jun 17, 2005)

To Dream (May 20, 2005)
Right, I thought I'd try and put fingers to keyboard to try and log my thoughts today. Bear with me or b^gger off, it's up to you.

I've spent a long time searching for, what for want of a better word, I'll call, the real me.

The person I am today has made some fairly significant process in becoming.

I've learnt how to make friends and how to not be bullied.
I've learnt to stand up for myself, although my methods sometimes are a bit lacking.
I've learnt that I am not shy, but afraid of rejection.
I have learnt that I want other peoples' respect.
I have learnt that I just want to be liked and that not being liked makes me sadder than it should.
I have learnt that sometimes the hassle isn't worth it, and you can save yourself a whole big bunch of pain by walking away.
I've learnt that I need to be happy on my own as a person before I can be happy with someone else.
I've learnt that someone else can't make me happy if I'm not.
I've learnt that I like spinach and prefer my veggies.
I've learnt that my mother isn't always right.
I've learnt that communication really is the key.
I've learnt that sometimes I will say something just to get a reaction.
I've learnt that that behaviour can be self-destructive and therefore I've learnt not to do that.
I've learnt that I am not weak, I am strong for I am still here.
I have learnt that I am not a quitter, despite evidence to the contrary.
I have learnt that changes happen one by one, day by day.
If you fall off your particular wagon, you haven't failed, as long as you just dust yourself off and hop back on again.
I've learnt that I need music.
I've learnt that I prefer 'books' to 'literature' but can appreciate both.
I've learnt to ask for help.
I have learnt that I am my own worst enemy.
I have learnt that the only failure is not trying. I've learnt that in order to succeed, I have to commit.
I've learnt that I don't commit so that I won't succeed.
I've learnt that I am too harsh a self-critic.
I have learnt that I have an artistic streak.
I have learnt that I enjoy exercise when I do
I have learnt that I find it difficult and painful to argue or even debate
And finally, I have learnt that I am an ongoing process and the journey is the important thing.

Well, obviously, that's not really a _final_ list. But it'll do for today.

cheers ismarah the
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(2 replies, Latest reply: May 24, 2005)

I hope they are together (May 12, 2005)
My granddad had a massive stroke in December 2004. Despite not being expected to survive the night, he did and is still in hospital. He has recovered somewhat and is in a stable condition, but he will never be able to live at home again.

All this has been hard on the family and especially his wife, my gran.
She was always the one that was in poor health, with high bloodpressure and low kidney functions, so without my granddad she's been rather lost. They've been married for almost 60 years and have rarely been apart in the last 20 or so, after he stopped being a seaman.

Now she's been taken into hospital with heart complications and is not expected to come back out. While this is heartbreaking for everyone, and especially me being so far away from the people that raised me, I can't help thinking and praying that I hope they are at least in the same hospital and near to each other, if not together.
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(7 replies, Latest reply: May 12, 2005)