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Entry: Young Artist - A35342912
Author: Still_WRD - U1665007
Here's a little thing, about a friend of mine.
The image is really nice.
But you almost lost me in the layup: the light filtering through the clouds. I got it, but I had to read it twice.
I think it's all the participles - maybe MVP has an idea about it.
I like it. I like the way the artist adds colour to the grey light.
I think that Dmitri may be right though. Try going through the poem and changing most of the present participles to the ordinary present tense: leech, bathe, purify etc. You might find that this makes the poem more vivid and immediate.
When I write a poem, I look at every word and ask if it can be either improved or omitted altogether.
I've tinkered with the verbs a bit.
Much better, I think.
Yes, the changes make the poem noticeably more vivid.
Vivid indeed, intense image, that is really nice , read it more than twice; just enjoying the rhymes and the followship of such light swiftly in a labourer's project . I think it's an image that could be implicated and convied upon our lives in so many ways .. its photographic essence is really capturing .
It feels like a painting in words, it's vivid and clear and I enjoyed that. To be as much poetry as it is painting, for me it needs condensing down even further and to work equally in terms of word and sound as it does in imagery.
Tinkered a bit, very minor. Not sure if it really made any difference
We absolutely loved this over at , so we've decided to include it as part of our special birthday celebration issue this week. Congratulations
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