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Today, I had an appointment with social services for a "cooperation talk" with the ex.
It was very bad.
His present woman insisted to be present, even though the two counsellors said repeatedly that this is not ok, the talk is intended for only the biological parents.
If I hadn't said that she could be there (even though I really would have preferred not) she would have pulled him away and there would have been no talk at all.
So I let her stay.
She kept putting words in the ex'es mouth, not letting him speak for himself for more than a few sentences over the 1½ hour session.
She repeatedly accused me for making his life and hers hell.
It's true I wanted a divorce, because I don't think we were happy before, and would not be after the attack.
It's true I didn't want to give away all the things or the house, but wanted to split fairly - which of course he - or at least she - thinks is unfair the way it turned out.
It's true I called the police. But it was the only alternative I could see at that time. He attacked me. Should I wait until he *really hurt me? He chose to attack me. He could have chosen to sober up before demanding "talking" about things. But he chose to attack me.
But making their life hell? I don't think so.
However, he was feeling very badly that autumn. I didn't understand that then, and I could not have helped him (because I was already the bad guy). He was suicidal apparently, I didn't know until today. I never intended that.
It confuses me. He didn't love me, he didn't want me, but why then was he suicidal? Because of the trial, the court case? It was out of my hands the minute the police came. I think even when I was on the phone with them... Police reports of physical violence towards women can't be withdrawn by the woman. It falls under 'public prosecution'. The state takes the case, not the woman. I could not stop it even if I wanted to. But of course, I am a tangible enemy, the state is not.
I admit that I did not want to withdraw the report - he attacked me, and that is never OK.
And she accused me so many times for interfering in their private life. I really try not to.
I asked about how the house purchase was going - trying to make conversation - but that was too private.
I said I had understood from the children that they are indeed going to move, and asked when - even that she claimed was their private life.
I only want to know when, to know where my children will be.
She didn't want to tell me their new address. Too private.
But my children will live there!
Also, I tried to explain that I can't handle more bills because my expenses are high. She thought that sharing my economy details was interfering in their private life... If anything, I shared too much. I didn't ask about their incomes.
And. He want's one "barnbidrag" (child allowance). Not so much for the cash but for the symbolism. I'll have to think about that again. Which one of the children's allowances does he want? The eldest's or the youngest's? It's 1100 kr per month.
I don't know how to handle this.
Sweetie, you should have said 'no talk if she's coming' - 'just me and my ex'.
And not given in.
I know you're concerned about your children's well-being, but you need to think and take care about yourself as well.
His current girlfriend shouldn't be involved in this at all.
And she's obviously a VBP (Very Bad Person).
I know, I know, it's easy to be wise in retrospect - but is there any chance of you and your ex having this talk all over again without her?
I don't know.
I don't think she'd let him talk to me without herself, even with supervision.
I've been awake since 4 am, and today is son's birthday celebration with classmates at the bowling alley. I had hoped that his dad and I could be there at the same time, being parents, like other split families in the class do. But as it happens I'm on my own. He isn't coming.
What pains me most is that they make me out as an evil monster, deliberately making their lifes hell.
All I want is mine not to be hell. To live without daily critisism.
But today, it's not good. And I have no one to be with me at the bowling, 14 kids milling around and no one to help!
I'm scared. I'm very very sad. But I am not evil.
Of course you're not evil!
So how was yesterday? Not too bad, I hope.
Ti, thanks for coming back and keeping me on my feet. It really means a lot.
The party and bowling was really nice. Ten children (including Son) turned up, of the 14 that hadn't declined. The Son really enjoyed it, and so did the others. He was very pleased with the gifts. For me, it was kind of a relief not to have his dad there, actually. I felt abandoned, just a little, but then I didn't have to be all tense and pretending to be polite and happy with someone I know hates me.
Sunday was OK, too. Daughter had her semester-end-choir concert, and as usual, her dad failed to show - because of work, but still.
So, in two cases, he's failed to show his children that he can be an adult and behave like a parent, showing them that he cares enough to join. He continuously fails to drive them to and pick them up from activities. But then again, I enrolled them without asking his permission...
In the end, they will see his real self, sadly.
Or it could be that her jealousy forbids him being closer than 100 meters to me without her, and she refuses to be in the same building as me, so it just can't happen.
Strangely enough, he did make a quick call to let me know of one more kid who couldn't make the party, and that was polite from both ends, I thanked him for letting me know and he didn't sound upset. Very different from the day before. Maybe it's she who is evil, and he is just still very sad. Strange it is, that's for sure.
I'm beginning to think he wants shared custody mainly so that he doesn't have to pay me a penny.
I've had trouble sleeping since friday, and loss of appetite - could hardly get any breakfast down, and stress bowels. I'll try to see it positively; maybe I can lose a little weight.
I also try to convince myself that nothing really has changed - they aren't more mad at me now than they were a week ago, it's just that I know it now. I don't really think that signing over the allowance for one child will make them happy, but perhaps it will make them think they won this "battle". I haven't made my mind up about it.
If you give your ex the allowance for one kid, is it possible for you to take it back if you notice it doesn't work (that is, that he doesn't buy clothes etc for one kid)? What does your lawer say?
And yes, from what you've told so far, the evil in this mess does seem to be his girlfriend...
Stay strong, honey - take a deep breath every now, and have some !
I can't really afford the lawyer right now. And since moving the allowance takes the agreement of both parents, I don't think he would ever allow it back.
He does buy stuff for them, I have to admit that. It's political more than economical, this issue. He believes he is being punished for making more money. All I can see is that if he insists, it's the kids being punished when I can't buy them more than cheap stuff that will fall apart after five washes.
*scoffs big chunks down the hatch*
Ahh, that's better...
Just to take your minds off things for a bit - did you know Jesper Odelberg has done a series for Norwegian TV?
If you have the time, check out all the contributions from Oterlabb - here's one:
Hope you're "on the up" as it were and you're right to look for the positives (look for the silver lining, as the song goes .) I've not really known what to say but it does sound like she's being malicious and he's being an idiot. It probably sounds judgemental (me not being one) but I don't understand how people can become parents and not realise that their priorities have to change for probably the rest of their lives. Easier said than done but he needs to be a dad first and an ex-husband (or a new boyf) a distant second.
I don't expect that helps much QN but, pointless advice aside, I can give you and hopefully the support we can all give you here helps lighten the load. And here's some more