|This is the Journal of |
<< Step by step, it ends.
Will it get better? >>
The divorce is a fact, we're in the period of thinking things over, still a chance to change our minds.
Day before yesterday, it was 15 years since we got married. the ex called about picking up the winter tyres, but I could hear he was sad. I wasn't really.
Tonight is the first night, of the first full weeks that the children are with their dad and his new lady.
I have just watched Serendipity, and finished the half bottle of Tavel rosť wine from last weekend.
I have to admit I'm sad.
But honestly, it's more about work, which really is grinding me down.
Oh, I shouldn't post while under the influence of alcohol, I know. But at least it's on this account, not my usual one. You may know where to find the other one, but at least this one is unknown to my children and ex-husband.
I think I must go to bed, get lots of sleep. And maybe, just maybe have a little cry about things. Perhaps tonight I can admit to myself that I am not so happy. Work is a nightmare, I take everything personal, and try too hard. And I am lonely.
The cat just came by for a quick snuggle, but left again...
And when the children and I meet again, I will be completely together, cool and strong as usual.
Just because I decided to break up a marriage, I don't have to break the kids down.
Off to bed with me.
And another thing.
Last week, I bought this self help magazine. And there was an article about living with, and loving, a partner with light borderline symptoms.
I realise, that the ex wasn't very strongly borderline, but that article, with focus on life in a relationship with one, was so close to home that I couldn't believe it - spot on! The only criteria that wasn't fulfilled was the self destructive and suicidal traits. The rest hit home.
Perhaps I should study some...
I wish I could give you a real hug because it sounds to me like you need one (cats can only do so much.) I doubt I can say much to help but please try not to feel lonely- take my hand when you wake up and I'll give yours a big squeeze of encouragement.
That probably sounds awful but I hope you get my sentiment.
Van (Sorry for mentioning anniversaries)
Nevermind anniversaries... they come and go, and you celebrate what you feel like, and try not to hurt anyone when you don't.
I had a good day yesterday.
Got almost all christmas shopping done - just something for mum and bro' and then finished.
Went to a combined housewarming and first birtday party, a friend and her family has moved back to the region, after many years at the capital. It was a little shaky at first - seeing faces from more than 15 years back, and finding out how to break the news to them...
But it went well, I felt comfortable soon and actually forgot about feeling odd and divorced. I got to remember what it's like to be just me.
In the evening, I went to my neighbour for supper. Very nice! Chatting a lot, and went home at a reasonable hour.
Glad to hear that I was worried about you from those posts.
Van (realising he should know better!)
>>What it's like to be me>>
I know it's a lot to do with attitude, but sometimes it's so hard to pick the right attitude even when you know which one is right - so instead you pick a 'I'm worthless' or 'I'm a victim' attitude. I know I do despite knowing better!* at self*
Today is the last day of the week without the kiddies. They'll be home tomorrow.
It's also the first time in many many years that I haven't seen Lucia even on telly. I slept, having played Runescape until after midnight But it is a little sad. Somehow I deliberately put myself outside of the 'community'...
And I'm on here socialising, not going to work meetings. Boss is keeping me away. I'm sure he does it to protect me from wild feelings of sadness and anger, but at the same time, it proves to the rest of the project that I am in fact a raving lunatic. *shrug*
Shucks. Now I'm really sad.
and Titanias eyes just went offline...
Offline? I've been logged on ever since I started my PC here at w*rk this morning
Hmmm, they go on and off... and each time they disappear, I have a flash of the blues.
I should probably go home for today, I'm not doing anything useful. And I'm almost crying.
Too bad I can't give you a real
Maybe you could take a long walk? I find that clears my head a bit...
I'll try reviewing a testscript... and not think of myself for a little while.
I'll try to email you and see if I can use msn to hook up with you on trillian at home, do you think that would work?
At least you'll have my msn...
is your yahoo mail still valid?
Better use my gmail one:
teatania at gmail dot com
Dammit! Didn't see this till just now. I wish h2g2 would say which entries are written by whom, so I could check the important ones when they appear.
How are you feeling now, Nefertari? I still get feelings of sadness about my old life, and they are as powerful as they were in the beginning, but they are recurring less and less often: every few weeks now, I think. A huge life change is bound to affect you, even if it is for the better.