Lightbulb Jokes - Part III
Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes Mathematicians How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a light bulb? Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet. How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb? Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars. How many people on the space shuttle does it take to change a lightbulb? 1,000,001 One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces. How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. In earlier work, Wiener has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL. Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder. One -- plus or minus three (small sample size). Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the light bulb is negatively or positively screwed. How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb? With what degree of certainty do you need to know? How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb? If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet. If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves. The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None, astronomers prefer the dark. How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb. None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff. Teachers How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb? Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s... None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework. One if at home, but on school time, four. How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore. Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. How many Ph.D thesis supervisors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it! How many academics does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's what research students are for. Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed light bulb. How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one. How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a light bulb? Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach. How many research technicians does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right. How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do. How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house. How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station. How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb? One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb. How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is. How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb. How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in. Doctors etc. How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!! How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? That depends on whether it has health insurance. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later. None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash. How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later. How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine visits. How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it. How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless. How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room. How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem. Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty light bulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into department's workload report..) How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready. Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change. How long have you been having this fantasy? How many do you think it takes? How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops! I mean, er, the light bulb. How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just paint them black and go on using them. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb? Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..." Professions How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!! Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). How many executives does it take to change a light bulb? A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change. How many Quality managers does it take to change a light bulb? We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder. How many admin assistants does it take to change a light bulb? None. I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb design change request form. How many marketing directors does it take to change a light bulb? It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it? How many sales directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right? How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of answer did you have in mind? None-just assume it's changed. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, but I'll get back to you on that. Note: Believe it or not, this joke cracks up reporters because PR people try to force reporters to work their stories by talking to the PR person. Alas, the PR person never actually knows anything... so he/she is always responding as in the punchline. How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing. None. "Who needs lights?" How many porn actresses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer is actually none. They're just faking it. How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb? Whatever number turns you on, big boy. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? None, lawyers only screw us. Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb... None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill: (Itemization of bill charges)
It only takes one to change your bulb to his bulb. Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection !" Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company. Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.) Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable direction. 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb). Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do some the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. Performers How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman to club the other skater on the knee. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into. How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb? Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da! How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he'll tell everybody. How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation. How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb? You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS.... How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In." How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb? Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do. How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times. How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb? Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
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