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Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. Hum. Hello...
(Oct 12, 2008)
It's been a long time since I was here on this account.
I am beginning to believe that I have a depression after all. I wake up at about five every morning, thoughts racing, and have a really hard time to go back to sleep. Sometimes it's at 4.30, sometimes after five, but fact remains, I can't stay asleep.
And of course, I am so sad in the mornings especially.
As soon as things need to get going, I get up and do what I have to, but pretty much without enjoying it. And as soon as the kids have left, to stay with their dad for a week, I just want to cry.
Today I called mum and dad before the kids were up, and they have been here from ten in the morning til eight in the evening. I couldn't let them go home before I dropped the kids off, and then I came back here to cry a bit before I could let them go home.
Mum is going to help me find a time with a doctor, I just can't handle the system. I need to enlist first, and get an appointment, and I am not listed anywhere yet. I feel pretty useless about that.
It's not so bad that I can't go to work, and I deal with the kids ok, but I just don't have the energy to battle the evil switchboard witches to fight my way into an appointment. At times like this I wish I had a partner who would hold me and take care of me and arrange such things. And then I remember that I've never had that, even when I was married. And it makes me even more sad.
It's not fair on my parents to have to fix things for me.
I feel so lonely.
Oh well, I suppose things will move on. Probably I will have to shove the emotions back in the cupboard again, and keep pretending I'm fine. And I will work and manage things like usual. I always have.
But how I wish someone was here to love me.
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(5 replies,
Latest reply: Nov 6, 2008)
A nice turn
(Jun 1, 2008)
It's been racing weekend.
On Friday, I was there, helping out to set up the pit, put up tent and camper, some light mechanic stuff (and got nice and black hands anyway  )
Yesterday, I knew the ex would be there, so I stayed away. Trimmed hedges, mowed lawn, took a 10 km walk with a good friend, and had dinner at her house. For a change, I felt good about lots of things, and didn't shed a single tear, even though we did talk about the ex and the relation.
This morning, I decided to go to the race track after all. Showed up, the ex was there and greeted me with a smile! Son was there too. He was a little worried about us being there at the same time, but we talked a little , and he could see that we're not angry at eachother.
Things got a little tense, when his gf was going to drop of her son at the track. Our son understands that he can't let on that I was there at the same time as them, but it would be harder for her son. So, I decided to leave, and make things easier for the ex and our son. I son, and even got a friendly from the ex.
I took a nap to calm down, and had lunch.
Then the ex called - he was nice, and in a good mood. He told me that our pal had made it through the first round, and that everything was OK. We talked about the summer, and decided without any argument at all, that the kids move every weekend, just like now. The "extra" week with me when we go for a little trip will be "ignored" without any fuss. We just pick up where we left when we return home again. The step brothers graduation was dealt with, and everything is cool.
I truly believe that for now, the biggest problem is his new girlfriend having trust issues - with him as well as me. And we agreed to "play the game" until she calms down. Neither of us is going to "cheat" on her, I don't want him back as a lover, just as a communicating father of our children, polite like any other aquaintance since 20 years. He wants to live with her, and I told him so many times that I want it to work out for them. I think he understood that.
Just a minute ago, he called again - our racing friend made it through the next round, and is now in Semi finals . Son is being picked up with his step brother from the race track, and will be driven here tonight.
All is suddenly better than I expected.
It's almost as good as I was hoping for - we're not enemies, just not lovers any longer.
In the end, his new girlfriend either calms down and we can have polite interactions, or she gets more paranoid, and then I fear they will break up...
Either way, today is really good.
And the weather is amazing, I'm having a good read in the garden next!
 QN
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(3 replies,
Latest reply: Jun 7, 2008)
She scares me
(May 23, 2008)
Today, I had an appointment with social services for a "cooperation talk" with the ex.
It was very bad.
His present woman insisted to be present, even though the two counsellors said repeatedly that this is not ok, the talk is intended for only the biological parents.
If I hadn't said that she could be there (even though I really would have preferred not) she would have pulled him away and there would have been no talk at all.
So I let her stay.
She kept putting words in the ex'es mouth, not letting him speak for himself for more than a few sentences over the 1˝ hour session.
She repeatedly accused me for making his life and hers hell.
It's true I wanted a divorce, because I don't think we were happy before, and would not be after the attack.
It's true I didn't want to give away all the things or the house, but wanted to split fairly - which of course he - or at least she - thinks is unfair the way it turned out.
It's true I called the police. But it was the only alternative I could see at that time. He attacked me. Should I wait until he *really hurt me? He chose to attack me. He could have chosen to sober up before demanding "talking" about things. But he chose to attack me.
But making their life hell? I don't think so.
However, he was feeling very badly that autumn. I didn't understand that then, and I could not have helped him (because I was already the bad guy). He was suicidal apparently, I didn't know until today. I never intended that.
It confuses me. He didn't love me, he didn't want me, but why then was he suicidal? Because of the trial, the court case? It was out of my hands the minute the police came. I think even when I was on the phone with them... Police reports of physical violence towards women can't be withdrawn by the woman. It falls under 'public prosecution'. The state takes the case, not the woman. I could not stop it even if I wanted to. But of course, I am a tangible enemy, the state is not.
I admit that I did not want to withdraw the report - he attacked me, and that is never OK.
And she accused me so many times for interfering in their private life. I really try not to.
I asked about how the house purchase was going - trying to make conversation - but that was too private.
I said I had understood from the children that they are indeed going to move, and asked when - even that she claimed was their private life.
I only want to know when, to know where my children will be.
She didn't want to tell me their new address. Too private.
But my children will live there!
Also, I tried to explain that I can't handle more bills because my expenses are high. She thought that sharing my economy details was interfering in their private life... If anything, I shared too much. I didn't ask about their incomes.
And. He want's one "barnbidrag" (child allowance). Not so much for the cash but for the symbolism. I'll have to think about that again. Which one of the children's allowances does he want? The eldest's or the youngest's? It's 1100 kr per month.
I don't know how to handle this.
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(8 replies,
Latest reply: May 28, 2008)
Step by step, it ends.
(Apr 22, 2008)
The divorce is final. I've paid him for the half house. It's now all mine.
And today was the court case for abuse.
I might not get much in the way of money for him attacking me. Mainly because I felt no pain. But the insult of being threateningly treated most of that night might get something.
I think he ruined his defence well on his own. I told my story quite plainly, answered questions as best I could. I was clear about what I could not remember, and what I could remember. He gave a vaguer story, with less details. He didn't answer straight on a lot of questions, but dodged and weaved until it was obvious that he could not give a straight answer without admitting what he did. He brought up on his own that he had felt the marriage breaking down for a long time, that he had psych problems and had started taking antidepressants. That he had jealousy issues - of Azatoth for example, and me inviting him to our home. How ridiculous is it that I would invite someone to my family to have sex? If I was up to bad stuff again, wouldn't I have kept it secret? And he started arguing with the judge - really bad move.
In the very end, his defence lawyer tried to make me out as not dependable - I had had one large whisky. But the ex admitted to drinking about 300 ml, how dependable would that make his statement?
I might write more details later. But I think I did well. Quite a cool account of what happened. I think it's OK that I couldn't exactly tell which order all the things happened, but that was also held against me. The ex claimed that his was the full story. But lots was missing.
I just hope he annoyed the judges enough to sentence him to a pretty fine. And to pay the court costs. And a nice compensation sum.
Cross your fingers.
QN.
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(7 replies,
Latest reply: May 14, 2008)
It's been long...
(Dec 7, 2007)
Well.
The divorce is a fact, we're in the period of thinking things over, still a chance to change our minds.
Day before yesterday, it was 15 years since we got married. the ex called about picking up the winter tyres, but I could hear he was sad. I wasn't really.
Tonight is the first night, of the first full weeks that the children are with their dad and his new lady.
I have just watched Serendipity, and finished the half bottle of Tavel rosé wine from last weekend.
I have to admit I'm sad.
But honestly, it's more about work, which really is grinding me down.
I think.
Oh, I shouldn't post while under the influence of alcohol, I know. But at least it's on this account, not my usual one. You may know where to find the other one, but at least this one is unknown to my children and ex-husband.
I think I must go to bed, get lots of sleep. And maybe, just maybe have a little cry about things. Perhaps tonight I can admit to myself that I am not so happy. Work is a nightmare, I take everything personal, and try too hard. And I am lonely.
The cat just came by for a quick snuggle, but left again...
And when the children and I meet again, I will be completely together, cool and strong as usual.
Just because I decided to break up a marriage, I don't have to break the kids down.
Bah.
Off to bed with me.
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(15 replies,
Latest reply: Dec 22, 2007)
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