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Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. 3,14159...
(Jul 6, 2008)
I did a pie  . Yesterday I found an american recipe for cherry pie and wanted to try it (never made a pie before), but after baking the filling was too liquid. So I put it in the fridge overnight and I think I can cut the slices now.
So...I got out of hospital last monday. I spent the last seven months in a nut-house  . No, not really. In a clinic for psychosomatic illness and psychotherapy. Since thursday I'm going to a day-hospital where I can get the same treatment, only a bit closer to reality, because I can go home everyday at 4 p.m.
I'm not sure if everybody knows my story, but as it's not really a secret: I had to get some more intense therapy because I suffer(ed) from severe recurring depression, general anxiety disorder and social phobia.
But now I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. 
And I'm planing to give up university and become maybe a gardener. (I realize that this sentence may sound a bit strange or radical, but it really was/is a long process of decision.)
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(1 reply,
Latest reply: Jul 6, 2008)
A weekend's journal entry
(Oct 19, 2007)
Hi everyone. 
I just wanted to start a little conversation to get me through the weekend. If you're passing by, feel free to say hello.
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(33 replies,
Latest reply: Dec 5, 2007)
New home
(Oct 6, 2007)
So, from today on, I'm living in this town called Malice...err... Siegen. My room is half-ready, the bed is built, the desk also, though a little wobbly, chair dito, and the wardrobe has to wait another week or two - IKEA was sold out ( I never thougth that could happen  ).
The internet is (obviously) running, the telephone possibly also.
The difficult thing will be to share the flat with 4 other people, Jens, Lars, Eric and Betty. You're probably going to hear some more about these fellows...and me getting to know them...in due time...
And on monday, my preperation week at Uni beginns. The week after, lectures start.
I'm feeling a little lost right now, but that's perfectly normal, I know
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(9 replies,
Latest reply: Nov 19, 2007)
Angry with myself
(Sep 26, 2007)
Ach, I'm so angry with myself right now  
I need to call this guy, and I can't pick up the  ing phone. Social anxiety and avoidance disorder...well, spot on with the diagnosis, but what to do about it? My doc is on holiday, great. I'm off Trevilor (the venlafaxin thingy) for a week now, and Ed was pretty right about withdrawal symtoms. But the bloody itching skin-rash I had was from Trevilor . Instead I got something new prescribed (a MAO-inhibitor) which I haven't started with, not yet anyway. I'm losing my patience with the meds . It's also as if nobody thinks I need any help. Family no help, friends no help, doctors unconcerned and now on holiday. And I can't have this shit right now, I'm moving again (that's why I need to call the guy...) and starting uni again, I can't be sick and dizzy all the time, and lord knows what side effects those new MAO thingies will give me. I wish I had a therapist I could talk to. But that's something I have to arrange again all alone . Funny, isn't it, me having to do all these things, and nearly breaking down beneath the weight and not learning anything positive from this crisis. The words like "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger", that's a lie. That's a ing lie, it makes me weaker than ever, and recovery-time will take ever longer. Forever maybe. Hell, I'm crying again.  How am I supposed to ever lead a normal life if I'm too weak to pick up a simple phone. What possible job could I ever do that wouldn't make me continually ill?
 Shit. I'll be better again, I know. But then- I'll be worse again, I know that as well . I'm tired of fighting. Don't worry, I won't try and kill myself, but when I sometimes think that my life will go on for another 50 years or something, that thought makes me so tired.
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(10 replies,
Latest reply: Sep 27, 2007)
Girl, you have no faith in medicine
(Aug 23, 2007)
 One pill makes you larger
and one pill makes you small
and the ones that mother gives you
don't do anything at all
I've been to see the doctor again this morning, as I don't think my antidepressants are working. He said he didn't think that changing meds so shortly before moving away to university (yet again ) would be a very good idea. At least he's sending me to a colleague of his who does therapeutic counselling. And I got additional bezodiazepines called Lorazepam to relieve my anxiety. But only for a short time, so that I don't get addicted.
My applications for university weren't very successful, I got back 14 rejections and one admission. So, I'm going to Gießen Uni in october, that's some 200 km away from home. Which means I can go home on some weekends . And I'm now starting to look out for a flat-sharing community...that's going to be difficult. But I can't live alone, I've seen that during my year in Passau .
Ach, I don't know. I get so bored and I don't *feel* anything. Anything positive, that is. Sadness and anger and despair are the only emotions I know. I don't love anybody, I'm never happy, I don't have fun. I guess I'm all blocked up . So maybe the talking-therapy is good for me.
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(19 replies,
Latest reply: Sep 4, 2007)
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). Headaches. Boredom. People who take everything for granted. My memory letting me down. People making a fool of themselves on TV. Mel Gibson. Unofficial CD-compilations or Best of/Greatest Hits. Seperation into black and white, good and bad. When things break down that I can’t repair myself. Weapons, military and superfluous ceremonies. Revenge. 
The book I'm reading at the moment: Akif Pirincci: Felidae
