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Wumbeevil lives in Glasgow, Scotland, a city famed for . . . err, nothing much. In fact it could probably be wiped off the map and no outsider would notice. The residents would wake up in the morning hungover, look around at green fields, and say, "Awnaw, werrinhellimma, Cumbernauld?" Wumbeevil was spawned in October 1957 as a result of the coupling of his parents several months earlier after a drunken Burns night party - "Wee, sleekit timorous beastie gonyerselweeman gerrinrerr". This great age entitles Wumbeevil to add the BOF (Boring Old Fart) appendage to his name, but he much prefers to use his BSc (Blootered Scot) appendage as this reminds him of four years of drunkenness he can't remember. He was doing Applied Kronenbourg and Pernod at Glasgow Caledonian University in the 80s. So if anyone had the misfortune to run into him, please contact him with details as to how he ended up married, and which b*$!**d(s) consummated it. Wumbeevil has stayed married to the long-suffering Wummenbeevil ever since, but for the sake of humanity, has decided not to spawn a next generation of Weewumbees. If only his parents had done the same, the world would be a better place, with more cheeseburgers, pizzas, curries and alcohol for the truly needy.
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The Bots Guards perform the Pooping of the Colour Ceremony to celebrate the birth of a Wumbeevil
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| | | | | | Glasgow, The Sewage Works at The Rear End of The Universe | |
Give me your mad, your poor,
Your underclasses, yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the Buckie-drinking, sobriety-lost to me,
And we'll send them straight back, to rot in Glasgow.
Yes, even if they are White Caucasian refugees,
Uncle Sam ain't that friggin' desperate you know.
Emma Lazarus - The First Drafts.
Our Buckie,
Which art in bottles,
And half-bottles of the same.
Thy wine be drunk,
In parks as it art on corners.
Give us this day our daily sore head,
And forgive us our incontinence,
As we forgive those who pish in empties,
And lead us not into drinking them,
But deliver us from their contents.
For thine is the fine wine,
The Buckfast without the boaky.
Forever hungover,
Amen.
| | | | | | Ifitsabitta kultchir yurrefter in Glesga . . . | |
Glasgow
by William McGonagall
(1830-1902, oh mighty moderator, or are you removing Shakespeare as well?)
....and yes that was the first time McGonagall has been compared with Shakespeare!
Beautiful city of Glasgow, with your streets so neat and clean,
Your stately mansions, and beautiful Green!
Likewise your beautiful bridges across the river Clyde,
And on your bonnie banks I would like to reside.
Then away to the West -- to the beautiful West!
To the fair city of Glasgow that I like the best,
Where the river Clyde rolls on to the sea,
And the lark and the blackbird whistle with glee.
'Tis beautiful to see ships passing to and fro,
Laden with goods for the high and the low,
So let the beautiful city of Glasgow flourish,
And may the inhabitants always find food their bodies to nourish.
The statue of the prince of Orange is very grand,
Looking terror to the foe, with a truncheon in his hand,
And well mounted on a noble steed, which stands in Trongate,
And holding up its foreleg, I'm sure it looks first-rate.
Then there's the Duke of Wellington's statue in Royal Exchange Square
It is a beautiful statue I without fear declare,
Besides inspiring and most magnificent to view,
Because he made the French fly at the battle of Waterloo.
And as for the statue of Sir Walter Scott that stands in George Square,
It is a handsome statue --- few can with it compare,
And most elegant to be seen,
And close beside it stands the statue of Her Majesty the Queen.
Then there's the statue of Robert Burns in George Square,
And the treatment he received when living was very unfair;
Now when he's dead, Scotland's sons for him do mourn,
But, alas! unto them he can never return.
Then as for Kelvin Grove, it is most lovely to be seen,
With its beautiful flowers and trees so green,
And a magnificent water-fountain spouting up very high,
Where the people can quench their thirst when they feel dry.
Beautiful city of Glasgow, I now conclude my muse,
And to write in praise of thee my pen does not refuse;
And, without fear of contradiction, I will venture to say
You are the second grandest city in Scotland at the present day!
by Wumbeevil (1957-2194)
Special thanks go to McGonagall, Little Behemoth and Draeven for their inspiration. I mention the latter two in particular because there is no way they would ever want to be associated with this
Oh wonderful Glasgow Subway
Your trains go round and round
Transporting citizens in comfort
On your seats, orange and brown
Through the bowels of the earth
You run, like a laxative electric
Taking commuters through Glasgow's guts
With motion peristalsic.
And there at every station
Where passengers will alight
A blast of wind announces your approach
Like a fart heralds a shite.
Each day I put my trust in thee
Being late for work, it maddens
And never have you broken down
'Twixt Partick and Cowcaddens.
Whether going to work, to shop,
Or even to the pub say
Nothing will ever beat the thrill of
Travelling on Glasgow's Subway
At the top of my left nostril
Where the hairs grow wild and free
There's stuck a little bogey
Who won't come down for me.
I've poked and I've prodded
Tugged tweezers with all my might
But the only thing that'll shift him
Is two tons of dynamite.
I've snorted nitroglycerine
Then banged my head on the wall
But the little bastard's still up there
And my brain's now in Nepal.
So I beg of you dear reader
With solutions don't hold back
Please help a starving orphan child
Taste his homegrown snack.
Wumbeevil has also been known to disguise himself as a female, six foot chicken at weekends to increase his chances of pulleting. If any other fowl creatures want to contact him, he can be found sitting on an egg and breaking it at
nannythesixfootchicken@yahoo.co.uk
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Wumbeevils are like onions
(Last Posting: Nov 8, 2011)
Your entry has been submitted to 'Peer Review'
(Last Posting: Oct 3, 2006)
The BOF Inn....
(Last Posting: Aug 6, 2005)
Draeven
(Last Posting: May 11, 2005)
Wumbe!!!
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Advanced Warning
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Changing lightbulbs
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Wumbeevil hasn't added any friends to their list
(Last Posting: Jan 9, 2004)
Hi Wumbeevil
(Last Posting: Nov 9, 2003)
It just wouldnt be the same without you!
(Last Posting: Oct 21, 2003)
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Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. 7th March 2004
(Mar 24, 2004)
Little did I know at the time, but wandering around Edinburgh all night last week was only a warm-up/cool-down for this weekend's Celtic-Rangers game. It had a 12 noon Sunday kick-off, so four of us were up in the bro-in-law's house at 10am drinking cans, then to the pub after the game. I think I left the pub just after 6pm and jumped on a 61 bus home to the city centre.  Unfortunately I fell asleep  and ended up getting kicked off at the terminus about two miles from home. "I'll just jump onto that 18 back into the city centre", thought I. Next thing I know it's dark and I'm getting kicked off at another terminus in the middle of nowhere, East Kilbride with not a house or pub in sight and it's freezing with a capital Brass Monkey - I was only wearing a t-shirt and light denim jacket as it had been sunny in Glasgow. The bus drove off and then after a further 2 seconds the wind started cutting thru me and reached my by now distended bladder. So I nipped behind the bus shelter to answer the call of nature and ...wanna guess? Yep, a bus came bombing down the road and right past me whilst I was trapped in midstream.   Bear in mind this was a Sunday night and buses aren't exactly thick on the ground.
I was reduced to drunken jogging about on the spot to try and stave off the cold when an "Out of Service" bus passed after 20 minutes and stopped about half a mile down this country road, so I worked my way towards it and practically begged the driver to let me on to her unheated bus and out of the cold. Fortunately she laughed when she heard how many miles I had missed my stop by and let me on, so I sat there chittering until she started her run about half an hour later. Next thing I know I'm being woken up by the driver shaking me and saying, "This is Cowcaddens". It had taken me four hours and five toes to complete my half hour journey home.
Click here to discuss this
(5 replies,
Latest reply: Nov 8, 2011)
Edinburgh
(Mar 24, 2004)
Discovered at six am that the warmest place in Edinburgh is the toilets in Waverley Station. Only lost two more fingers to frostbite while I waited there for two hours.
No one tried to pick me up, so obviously the crane-hire shops are closed or I'm ugly
Click here to discuss this
(4 replies,
Latest reply: Mar 24, 2004)
Death Evasion
(May 19, 1999)
Afters years of research, I have reached the conclusion that there is a definite correlation between the date you were born and the likelihood of you being dead. For instance, apart from the Queen Mum, can anyone name me someone who was born in 1768 and is still alive?
Obviously there are a few exceptions to this rule, I have seen bumper stickers proclaiming "Jesus Lives", but have never managed to trace the guy, he has so many addresses and aliases. Another exception I have found is that parents who call their first child SID won't be parents for very long. There are many SIDs screwing up my figures, so if you have a child, best call it something else if you want to claim child benefit for a while.
A tip for living longer would seem to be getting a later date of birth than your present one. Unfortunately, I have had to halt my research due to lack of funds just as I am on the verge of proving this theory. So all donations will be gratefully accepted and put to good use sitting in pubs (field research) talking to old men about who's died recently.
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(13 replies,
Latest reply: Sep 5, 2000)
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These are all the Guide Entries this Researcher has created. If you'd like to read them, click on the link, and if you want to talk about them, use the 'Discuss this Entry' button when you get there. From h2g2:
A744257
1st, 2nd & 3rd Persons - The first 95 posts. (May 6, 2002)
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Self Portrait of the Wumbeevil As a Young Slug (Apr 9, 2002)
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A695027
London Meet Pics (Feb 13, 2002)
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A690653
"The Orchard" - the h2g2 Mac Users' Group! (Feb 3, 2002)
From h2g2:
A639821
Alton Towers Meet (Oct 3, 2001)
From h2g2:
A629688
Alton Towers September 2001 (Sep 11, 2001)
From h2g2:
A629589
Damn, I wish I had some of these a few weeks ago (Sep 10, 2001)
From h2g2:
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For H2G2 Brides (Sep 9, 2001)
From h2g2:
A628724
H2G2 Meets (go to "Photos" section) (Sep 9, 2001)
From h2g2:
A510319
Glasgow H2G2 Jan 2001 Meet-up (Jan 16, 2001)
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These are all the Edited Entries to which this Researcher has contributed. They obviously read the Writing Guidelines and submitted their Guide Entries to Peer Review: why don't you too? From h2g2:
A138304
Dalmarnock, Scotland, UK (Aug 17, 1999)
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