There's one simple way to describe myself in relation to the other inhabitants of this unremarkable blue-green orb: I'm right and everyone else is wrong. Or so I've been told¹.

But this fact is not central to my existence. Nor is any other fact, for that matter. Facts are overrated. I am an individual person, and facts do not matter to me. All that matters is that I am a superior being to all other humans on this planet. And that the sky is orange. You may claim that it's blue, but you're wrong.

This particular superior being used to live in Hawaii, which, contrary to popular belief, is not an independent country. Nor is it a part of the United States. Many people, some with official-sounding titles, may claim otherwise, but they're very wrong. Hawaii is a colony of the British Empire, and there's nothing anyone but the British or the Hawaiians (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... err, sorry) can do about that.

He is currently a resident of Boston, and plans to stay that way on an off/on basis for the next four years, or maybe more, because college degrees are good and Boston is, in spite of its being a Liberal Hellhole², rather a nice place. He attends Boston University's College of Engineering, which is, in spite of its not being MIT³ and having a few disagreeable administrative policies⁴, a rather nice school. In short, he hath seen to what he had come, and, lo, he declared, "It is good. Oh, and the Yankees suck."

Now what else is there to know about this supreme being? He plays the bass: the electric bass guitar, to be precise. To be even MORE precise, he plays a Fender Fretless Jazz Bass⁵, made in Mexico. While this being is supreme, he is not very rich. However, the Mexican Fenders are a very good investment, as they are better than pretty much any other instrument in their price range (in my humble, and correct, opinion). This being also plays the classical Double Bass, also called 'upright' or 'stand-up' bass, although he does not own one of these because, simply, he doesn't own a small fortune. Well, about £500 for an entry level contrabass (Yet another name for the classical instrument... I hope you're taking notes.), which happens to be enough to buy most any high-end production bass guitar. So this supreme being will be ditching the contrabass since he can't rent one for $100 a year from his school any longer. Which doesn't disturb him as much as you might think⁶.

This supreme being, in a further example of his supremeness, has also made his debut as a stage actor! He recently performed as "Craig", the loveable but dim-witted Assistant Director, in a Theater for Engineers⁷ production of Aaron Sorkin's⁸ play "Hidden in This Picture" about movies and cows. Could you be seeing this supreme being on the big or small screens one day? Given his supreme nature, signs point to "Yes".

So know you know this mysterious person across to whose lowly personal space you have come. And now you know that you are, despite your vehement denials and years of thinking otherwise, wrong. Have a nice day.⁹

E-mail: furtim@bu.edu
AIM: DTsR Vor

VIVA ZAPHODA!!

---

¹ By the voices in my head.
² Well, maybe it's not THAT much of a Hellhole.
³ Frankly, why would it want to be?
⁴ A subject which could easily fill several full entries.
⁵ Signed by Rocco Prestia, bassist for Tower of Power, the quintessential 70s-now funk/rock/soul band.
⁶ While the double bass is a marvelous and beautiful instrument, it lacks greatly in the portability department.
⁷ Partially funded by Boston University's Undergraduate Student Fee.
⁸ Yes, the A Few Good Men and The West Wing Aaron Sorkin.
⁹ Footnotes here are added mostly as practice for a hypothetically-forthcoming Guide Entry. Plus, they're just neat!

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