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Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. Ethical but unpleasant
(Dec 3, 2005)
Tomorrow I am going to dump my boyfriend. Normally I'd say that we're going to break up, but I don't think he is expecting it and I guess that makes it a dump. I will try to be as nice as possible. I will say something along the lines of:
Tom, I'm sorry but I think we should break up. I don't like you as much as you like me. It would be unfair of me to keep seeing you when I know I don't feel the same way as you. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. Take care.
Hmmm, that seems a bit crap when I read it out but you get the gist. We've only been seeing each other for three weeks so he should be okay. It shouldn't be a big deal. Unfortunately I have a horrible gnawing feeling that he'll be upset. He's affectionate, he always tells me how much he loves being with me, how lovely I am, etc.
Oh God, I am dreading tomorrow. He's such a nice person, a great friend, not a great boyfriend for me though. Its nasty when you know you're going to hurt someone. If I don't do it tomorrow though it'll just drag on and on and I'll start making up excuses not to see him and then it'll all turn horrible. Much better to be honest now. I'll feel better for having gotten it off my chest too.
I've never dumped someone before. I've broken up with people but its always been a mutual thing. Incidentally I've never been dumped before either. I keep telling myself its not a big deal, it was a three week thing, unimportant and insignificant. I wish I was sure he'll feel the same way though.
I was just so damn indifferent. He's nice, super-nice in fact but I never felt as if I had to be with him. I never missed him or got really excited about seeing him. Perhaps part of it was that I was quite happy single. If there's a time in your life to be single its probably university, loads of friends lots to do and too much work means you're never left to wallow or feel unwanted. I'm independent, Tom made me feel claustrophobic (an achievement in under three weeks).
I think the bottom line is that I never should have gone out with him. That grey line between between friendship and romance got blurry without me ever asking myself if I wanted to date Tom. Its flattering when you know someone likes you, its difficult to disentangle that from attraction. I don't think I ever fancied him, not really.
Its all very confusing really, very messed up. It might just be that I've got cold feet, that I'll really regret what I'm about to do. But I don't think so. Tomorrow is going to be one rubbish day. I've never appreciated how bad the dump-er can feel as well as the dump-ee. Ending it with Tom is not the easy thing to do but I think it is the right thing to do. At least, I hope so.
Niffer x
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Big ol 3rd year
(Nov 14, 2005)
Yup I'm into my final year at uni now. I just had a bit of a re-cap on some of my old journal entries, haven't written one for yonks. So I think a quick re-cap is in order.
I am now 21 courtesy of the 9th August. Feels pretty good, terribly grown up although I think mentally I am still about 19, a fantastic age to be.
I'm living in a new house now, two girls, five guys and me. Its a brilliant house, I've known them all since halls and we all get along so well. Eight very different personalities feeds into one harmonious house.
My course (History) is going okay, there's a real increase in the workload this year which is a drag and there is, of course, my dissertation which I should really start soon. I think I'm doing it on how the viking raids of the 9c shaped English identity, pretty boring I know. I'm feeling pretty good about my degree overall, I got two 2:1s and four 1sts in my 2nd year results which I was over-the-moon about. Unfortunately it means my lecturer's this year expect me to get a first which means a big hike in pressure, I hope I don't let them (or myself) down.
I took up mountainboarding over the summer inspired by TA, really wicked sport, I love it and I plan to save up and purchase my own gear over Christmas.
I've just started seeing a guy called Tom, a coursemate. I only met him this semester, we're always in the library at the same time and so got into the habit of meeting for lunch and now we're an 'item' (how I hate that phrase!). So that's nice.
I think that's a pretty good precis of events in the life of Niffer. Need to get back to work now, have to sort a presentation on St Edmund for tomorrow.
Niffer x
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Latest reply: Nov 14, 2005)
Oh well
(Jun 12, 2005)
Went on a date today with the fella I was a bit crazy about. I think a semi-full if disappointing report is necessary.
Well, to recap, I met this guy at a party last Saturday, we got on really really well, and I gave him my number at the end of the night. He didn't call on Tuesday, the standard three day wait. He didn't call on Wednesday - I was a bit concerned. He called finally  on Thursday, ages later! We arranged to go to the cinema this afternoon. He's really lovely, very sweet, quite fanciable, the film (Only Human) was really good, conversation flowed easily but I will not be seeing him again. Why? Because (and get ready to be gobsmacked) he's 31!! 31! I hasten to add that he does not look 31 at all and he's a first year student at uni so its not like he's got a mortgage or kids. But still. I'm not 21 yet (9th August). I know its ageist but I would feel seriously weirded out if I went out with him. I mean, he's about fifteen years younger than my dad. I feel a bit down about because we did get on well but I know the age thing would continue to freak me out a bit. If we had gotten on incredibly well then I wouldn't give a damn about the age difference but as it is I don't think it'll go anywhere. C'est la vie.
Otherwise I'm all good, exams are over now  , gotta write my CV tomorrow  , going to brilliant Brighton next weekend  . All cool.
Niff 
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Latest reply: Jun 13, 2005)
Excessive
(Jun 6, 2005)
I know that two entries in a week gives the (false) impression that my life is interesting but never mind, I want to write a very happy, very silly entry.
A few days I wrote about bumping into a guy I had a fling with and how seeing him again made me go all weak at the knees. Well move over Alex (Alex twas his name), I'm not interested anymore.
'Why?', I hear you cry. Because I have met someone even better, a bloke so lovely and funny and generally fabulous that I've been daydreaming about him ever since Saturday (when I met him).
Acksherly, I didn't technically meet him at the party on Saturday. I first met him a few months ago in the cinema. He grabbed the seat next to me and we started giggling about the trailers and whispering in the dark. I thought that would be that, just random pleasantness. So imagine my surprise and delight when I bumped into him at a party the other night. We talked for ages and had so much in common.
Think I've definitely gone head-over-heels for this one, silly I know but I don't care, I feel so happy!! A pretty rare feeling considering I'm revising You know how it goes, better to have loved and lost blah blah blah.
Niff
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Latest reply: Jun 6, 2005)
Oh dear
(Jun 3, 2005)
Just spent ten minutes dancing around my room to 'I Wanna Be Like You' (Disney's Jungle Book). One way to shed revision stress I guess! It's such a fab piece of music, always makes me smile. Think I've seen that film far too many times (practically off by heart).
Had my first (!) exam today on the Golden Age of the Dutch Republic, very very interesting stuff - wish I'd found that out when I was doing the course and not just revising for it. I got a little room on my own because of ol' sparky (epilepsy). This isn't compulsory but it was offered and I chose it in the hope that I wouldn't spend twenty minutes gazing around the exam hall. I felt a bit lonely without my coursemates around but all in all I quite liked it. The exam itself went okay  I think I did well on the first question but then became a kind of one trick pony for the second question. I seemed to repeat myself a lot, odd as I'd spent fifteen mins planning it! Oh well, there wasn't any inspirational fireworks that'll bump me up into first class but I didn't screw up (much) either, so all in all I'm pleased and relieved  
I haven't got anything else to report because my life has been soo dull due to revision. Saw a boy I (still!) have a crush on  , a year after our fling got flung. He can still turn me to jelly in an instant and it was fairly embarrassing as I looked rough-in-revision - rubbish.
Oh well, I guess thassorl for now, if anyone knows of any good jobs in Sheff for the summer lemme know!
Niff
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(5 replies,
Latest reply: Jun 5, 2005)
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