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My friend D and I are e-mailing again almost daily. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do, but he is really holding on to me in every possible way, despite being in a new relationship and everything. I don't know, maybe one day it will be enough.
Yesterday he e-mailed me with a request, following a comment I'd made on an ex. He asked me to build a profile of the man of my dreams.
I thought:
1) Are you taking the p***?
2) You see him in the mirror every morning, you 
Then I wrote out a long and humourous e-mail, which I saved so I could sleep on it.
Then I woke up today and realised that, however genuine his interest in my hopes and dreams, it's a really inappropriate question to ask a girl who has just spent the last for months of her life pining for him.
So I said he knows me well enough to know where I come from, what I want and wish for. That wishlists take optimism, and although I realise he's very optimistic right now, I am not and I have grounds not to be. And that it's just not a very good time to ask that question... maybe later.
Then I changed the subject entirely.
It's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't care. Au contraire. But he's in love with somebody else and I'm in love with him, and that's unbalanced and painful. Obviously he doesn't realise it and thinks it was a passing fancy and I'm completely over him. Ignorance is bliss.
Sorry, I know I'm boring, but I need to share and this is a good place to do that. I'm trying to keep my sanity. I'm sure it'll be better once I go back to my flat and my everyday life. My parents' home is making it hard for me to go about my usual business.
Off now.
|   | Subject: Isn't it ironic
Posted Feb 21, 2003 by  Hati
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 2
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 Greta
Life is a river. 
you are not boring! you are intresting challenged!
I sound like politician:
"we are not down turning spending. just taking u-turn to make it more efficient"
s'pose so.
Hi Greta, just one thing-follow your gut feeling thats what I had to do when I was faced with a similar situation ten years ago I chose right, so will you!
 Smudger.
I haven't got a gut feeling about this anymore. I'm just in it, and sometimes I wish I weren't. I know it'd be the best thing for me if I just left and stopped torturing myself. He'll never love me in that way, not in a million years. But I love him and I don't know what to choose. I have tried leaving, I have tried explaining to him that I couldn't do it anymore, but I went back when I realised that he wanted me back.
I suppose I should leave again and never come back, but... I can't.
You must leave, for your own peace of mind and your sanity, theres no point in staying if he will never see you for what you want him to.
What did he want you back for!?? just to boost his ego get out of the situation NOW, your flogging a dead horse. You said yourself, that he would never love you,give him the big "E", he is not worthy of your feelings any way.
Smudger.
I see your point, and I have tried. At first I thought it was an ego thing, too, but I think that somehow he needs me. I wouldn't say this if I didn't have grounds for it, because I usually think I'm worthless and stupid and count for nothing, but for some reason I do think he is clinging on to me.
I'm not sticking around hoping that he'll change his mind. In fact, I think he's found his true love. I'm hoping I will change, I'm hoping I will accept the situation and take what he has to give, which is a lot or I wouldn't have gone back. I'm all for clean breaks, me.
I'll work out what I can or cannot do as I go along.
You have decided good, just to go along and see what happens, and dont expect too much, how do you feel when you see him with this other person? When you find that it doesnt bother you, then your over the worst! Until then all you can do is watch on the side line, but Hey! playing in the game is far better!
Smudger.
Well, thankfully I don't exactly *see* him around, we live in different cities. But I know when he is with her. Friday afternoon to Sunday evening, that's when he's not home for the weekend and doesn't write.
That hurts. But still. Best I can do is hope that there is still room in my heart for somebody to work their way in. Sombody who will not humiliate me, treat me like a lifeless doll or dump me for being better than they thought.
You will, one day, theres always room some where. Every day has its own sun rise
Smudger.
... not as long as I keep going to parties where it's always the ugly guys that insist on handing me their phone number!
I hate the fact that the sun only rises when I feel loved.
then let sun shine when you need it
you yourself can can make it happen. believe in yourself.
I believe you can do it
never let anyone walk over you, not even yourself!
Its whats inside that counts, we all have our bad days, thats why I never deleated the article I put into my journal.Just to remind me, as if I need reminding. So lets go, you can do it! you have friends here to help.
Smudger.
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