It must be odd, getting used to old situations in new circumstances - particularly when you're likely to bump into R from time to time. I guess it becomes normal after a little while though
You're right about something seeming to be more real when other people know about it. When my dad died, it wasn't until I was on the phone telling his brother and then his best friend that it really hit me It wasn't just in my head any more - it was true.
I've taken a couple of days of work. I feel rather 'flat'. I took little to school because he says it's awkward getting on the bus with only one working hand and then I came home and dozed on the bed. One thing I noticed that was that I occasionally half woke in panic thinking that there were things that I should be doing and then realised that I'd taken the day off in order to re-ground myself. I imagine it must have been a mild panic attack.
Our bodies and minds react in unexpected ways when we undergo great change. You'll be fine ZSF Give yourself time: it's a big thing you've done
I've taken a couple of days off work and mostly spent it procrastinating. I knew that I needed to slow down and do nothing the first day, but I was hopeful of clearing some things the next day. And of course, I give myself a hard time about it.
That makes me laugh... I am exactly the same.
Throughout my life I have found it very hard to let things be; to give myself space and time. It often feels like I'm *wasting time* when in fact I'm looking after myself and taking the foot off the gas for a while. Having said that, I am a lot better at it these days... my last bout of depression 18 months ago taught me a lot
One simple trick that really helped me was to sit down in the morning and decide one thing that I was going to do that day that was just for me. Nobody else... and not something I felt I *ought* to do. It could be as simple as having a long bath, or as adventurous as going on a train trip for the day.
One day I bought a bottle of because I felt like it and not because I had anything to celebrate Another day I went and had breakfast by the beach, having bought the paper on the way (that took up the whole morning in the end because I bumped into some friends). And one day I sat on the sofa on the balcony with my book for a whole hour over lunchtime
Oh, dear, we are all of a kind aren't we If ever I do anything I enjoy, there is nagging 'voice' somewhere inside making me feel guilty The only time I give in is when I have a migraine, when I have no choice!
Even while typing this I know I should be doing something else. Oh, there's no-one here but me and PHM is off bowling so why shouldn't I take a few minutes off? I have just done the weekly shop, without a car, so surely I deserve a break
There you are you see, we are all in the same boat, so rest the paddles, lean back and enjoy the sunshine and a and to with the lot of them
Err, hi ZSF... just wanted to offer my support here, stumbled across a post of yours, and started lurking. Hope you don't mind.
Just coming through a divorce myself...
It sounds like you are doing the right things.
You're very welcome. Someone mentioned you on another thread and I had a quick peek at your space. I saw that you'd been through some rough times and are beginning to feel a lot better (I hope!). I would welcome your insights.
Hello Websailor and Fb.
R is over here at the moment and he's packing his things (surprising the amount of things he has here even though he doesn't live with me. Got to rush asI'm taking them in the car to his house.
Um... well... I have ups and downs, of course, but I'm getting there. The past couple of days it's been a bit low, mainly for money reasons, but today is better.
I've not read really much on your situation, but the little I did makes it seem a little similar to what I had. The ex wanted all of me, all my attention and love, but at the same time, I was never good enough. Not enough in physical shape, not sexy enough, not glamorous enough. For you it sounds like he is just taking all of your time?
And when he attacked me, I decided that's quite enough. I only got a bruise on my arm, but the fear that night was extremely unpleasant and I will not have it again.
So. I hope there is something I can say to help. Just ask
'The ex wanted all of me, all my attention and love, but at the same time, I was never good enough. Not enough in physical shape, not sexy enough, not glamorous enough. For you it sounds like he is just taking all of your time? '
I recognise the first few of these, 'not good enough', 'not enough in physical shape' - add to these 'not classy enough' 'not organised enough' - it wasn't just a case of taking my time. Things had to be done his way and even during the week when he wasn't there, I could feel him on my shoulder, criticising. Now some of this may have been magnifications of my own self-criticism. Never a threat of violence though (although I had that in a previous relationship and I reacted like you).
I think what I need at the moment is a period of reflection and to work out what it is that I want in a relationship.
No doubt about it, though - I have learned a lot about myself through this relationship.
Has all his stuff gone, so there is no 'presence' any more? Feeling he was sitting on your shoulder so to speak, all the time must have been a real strain. I feel like that with PHM. He tells me how to do everything, even stuff I have done for fifty years, and even things he doesn't know the first thing about, like the computer and it gets me really mad. It got worse after he retired, some fifteen years ago, and I still have a problem with it, and let fly sometimes
I hope you can adjust, little too and begin to enjoy life for yourselves now.
Most of his stuff has gone. Only a few things remain. The one thing that I really didn't like was his exercise machine that he kept at my house because there wasn't enough space for it at his. Things that I had previously kept inside, like my rebounder, were put outside in the interests of 'tidiness. He still doesn't have room for it at home and we have agreed that a work colleague can have it, so that will be gone in a short time. There will be other things to sort out. He is leaving his computer workstation here (actually there are two and I will dispose of one of them, which should free up some more space).
I might do some kind of 'clearing' ceremony to help the energy move on. A friend has offered to lend me a singing bowl and some white sage. Before I do that, I'd like to clear some other things out, like clothing I haven't worn in a while and books I haven't read. Oh books, I have so many of them. Maybe if I think of them as library books, it might be easier. Maybe I could sell them on e-Bay or Amazon.
I don't mind being told how to do things once or twice, but when it gets to constant reminders of how I'm failing or falling short of his standards, then it gets rather wearing. I don't feel him on my shoulder now. Funnily enough, not having to 'answer to him' gives me much more freedom to do some of the things he was urging me to do when he was with me. It's interesting how much more easy it is to do them when I have freedom to do them or not.
'He tells me how to do everything, even stuff I have done for fifty years, and even things he doesn't know the first thing about, like the computer' Oh yes - I can see how annoying that could get. I imagine that he believes that he is doing it with your best interests at heart and out of love.
LIttle has just been violently sick on his bed and a whole load of other places. I wonder if it is a delayed reaction to our splitting up? I made a point of telling him (just now) that I know it wasn't his fault.
Poor little It might well be a reaction, but more likely just a bug.
Go on with the cleansing, clear out thing! I rearranged the furniture, it feels so good!
Whilst he's been off sick, I've done a whole lot of washing, including all the bedding, which wasn't immediately due, but it feels good. I've also been out on a quick run to the garden centre to get a couple of pots and some soil. That felt good too. I'll weed out all the nasty sycamore seeds that are infesting my garden from one of my next door neighbour's gardens. They have five trees in quite a small garden, so they spread seeds prolifically. One of my smaller posts had 11 little trees in it before I pulled them out.
'posts" = pots!
|Subject: Splitting up|
Posted May 7, 2008 by U94986
This is a reply to this Posting.
The people who backed onto my mum's house had sycamores for years. We were always in trouble for playing with the seeds so they rooted all over the place.
When the current owners moved in they had the cheek to write to mum to ask her to deal with *her* trees??!! She soon put them straight, and they've all gone now. It means the sun no longer vanishes from her garden at 4pm.
It's good you are getting on with things. When Bill and I split up (and I realise we weren't together as long but he sounds most like your ex) I spent weeks slowly getting rid of his stuff, washing sheets where he'd slept, hoovering where he'd been sitting, all that kind of thing!
I am sorry little has not been well. As Milla says it could just be a bug, but I am sure you will soon know. It may be that he has felt the tension (children tune in much more than adults) and it is a reaction. I know from talking to you that you will reassure him
a) that none of this is his fault (or anybody's) and
b) that the future is secure in spite of all the changes. See if he can tell you if anything specific is bothering him.
Anyway, your little is clearly bright, intelligent and well behaved etc. (you see I have been reading other threads ) and will soon work things out for himself.
Give him a big . I hope he soon feels better.
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