R and I went for four sessions of counselling and one thing that the counsellor said in the one I had alone with her was that he was very charming and seemed to be casting a spell over me. She felt quite strongly that the best thing I could do would be to break up with him. It's true, there is a spell there and I do care for him, but I also think that staying together would not be the right thing to do either for me or for little .
I didn't think counsellors gave advice like that but gave you the courage to do whatever was right for you.
It seems to me you are in limbo in a situation that is not good for any of you. Part of being a control freak is often the charm, which slowly and subtly takes you over without you realising it, and makes it near impossible to say no. Oh, and that can go for women, and friends, just as much as partners. I had a schoolfriend who was like that who also bullied me unmercifully. I felt I would be friendless without her, yet it proved that would be friends steered clear because of her!
Ah yes... charm.
I have a charming man on the edge of my life at the moment. But there's little substance beneath the charm, sadly. He is a man who is very easy to like, but who is very hard to be friends with I struggle, because I am attracted by the possibilities of his charm, but then disappointed (repeatedly) by the lack of stability and solidity behind it.
Morning (or afternoon as it is now!) Websailor
In the first meeting alone with the counsellor, she gave me a real grilling. I had lots of issues, some of which were about the improvements to the house, eg he didn't want a Belfast sink, so I got another type, he wanted a dishwasher and wasn't happy with my drier, so I got a dishwasher and my drier is now outside at the back garden on the decking covered in tarpaulin, I wanted a Dyson hoover as my old one packed up, but he persuaded me to get a Vax, which is much heavier. He said he had only one issue and that was clutter. I had some boxes in the spare room, which did need to be sorted out, but at that stage I wasn't ready for it. She thought that it was outrageous that he should make such demands on me about my own house with my own money.
Ah yes, the charm. 'I felt I would be friendless without her, yet it proved that would be friends steered clear because of her!' That has sort of happened with him. Friends that I would normally see a couple of times a year I haven't seen in a couple of years now and telephone contact is more sporadic than previously.
Hi Frenchbean - not sure what time it is in Oz!
'He is a man who is very easy to like, but who is very hard to be friends with I struggle, because I am attracted by the possibilities of his charm, but then disappointed (repeatedly) by the lack of stability and solidity behind it.' How similar that feels. With R, it's all possibility and potential, but it's been like that for five years. In the book I've been reading, which has been very enlightening for me http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Scared-...=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209040619&sr=8-1
and as a result, I can see that it's likely that I have passive commitment phobic issues, which I need to work on.
I spoke with little today - the school is on strike, so he's at home - and the said he thought that it will be a good thing. For one thing, it will mean he gets more quality time with me. I did tell him that in time, it's likely I'll want to look for someone else. I have to say that it's a big relief,
|Subject: Splitting up|
Posted Apr 24, 2008 by U94986
This is a reply to this Posting.
He sounds much like Bill - I kicked him out after five months (although by then it was mutual I think) because I couldn't see him changing. Very, very controlling, and tidiness was one of those things he was always complaining about - in MY house, where he didn't live, didn't intend to ever live, and was constantly telling me to get on with all the DIY jobs I'd never got around to finishing.
I think we are better off without men like that.
Mina, I resonate with every word of that! I felt a bit like Eliza Doolittle - an improvement project, but never good enough. Interestingly enough, he really liked the character of Henry Higgins. He comes from a landed family and he tells me that he thinks it's because we come from very different background (for that read 'class').
A181397 - sums it up nicely,
I'm delighted that you've talked to little . Good for him being sanguine about it That'll be a big weight off your mind and how lovely to have your relationship with him reaffirmed in that way
That book looks interesting - I'll see if the library can get a copy for me.
Little said that he felt that he was not getting enough quality 'bonding time' as he put it and I think he felt pushed aside. I was aware of it as an issue. I would have liked to have gone cycling with him, but R finds it uncomfortable to cycle (problem after breaking his leg) and isn't keen on swimming and has never come camping with us, so we've tended not to go camping. There have been compensations. We've been on a couple of trips I wouldn't have thought about on my own, eg on the ferry to Bilbao and back and to Le Havre and back which were fun. I can't see myself doing them on my own without another adult. Actually I feel I *ought* to be confortable on my own with little . I wonder why I'm not?
I am glad you are able to talk with little . He seems a very articulate little boy who loves his Mum. If he is not feeling he is an integral part of of your relationship, I am surprised you have not had some real behavioural problems with him.
There is nothing wrong with feeling in need of a little support with little . Having someone to share things with is much needed when you have children, but it seems to me you are doing great. I think R has sapped your confidence and you need to get it back somehow, and soon. It seems also that you are missing out on doing children's things with little and while the trips are great, he would probably appreciate those more when he was older. Perhaps he feels as if he is just tagging along with the two of you?
I remember desperately trying to do things of a more grown up nature with my boys, thinking it would be something they would cherish later as an adult would, only to find in later years the things that they remembered were what we might call 'childish' simple things.
You really are between a rock and a hard place with this aren't you? It doesn't seem as if a split would trouble little too much though as he clearly feels his security is with his Mum.
It seems to me that cycling and swimming would be a very important part of his development, camping too, and with Summer coming (we hope) you would be free to get out and about with him without restraints.
We're going to go to the h2g2 meet tomorrow - well the afternoon part anyway. It's at the British Museum and I think it should be fun. I will know Gnomon and Galaxybabe (although I'm not sure that she comes to the afternoon events) at least. I don't recognise most of the names of people who're going, though.
Swimming and cycling will have to wait until he's got his cast off. I thing it would be good to talk through what he'd like to do and do some planning around that. We could draw up a hit list. Hopefully, we'll see Christiane too. Even if we don't go cycling, we could go walking. R wasn't overkeen on doing that - I think because of his leg.
Everyone who is going seems to be looking forward to it. I shall look forward to hearing how it went. I hope the weather stays fine for you.
If you do get to see Christiane any time, please give her my I will try and phone her if I get a minute.
I am just about to reply to your email but you can read it at your leisure.
Have a nice weekend.
We had a good time at the h2g2 afternoon meet. The British Museum was impressive and the company was lovely. It was good to see old friends (Gnomon and Galaxy Babe) and to meet new ones. It was our first weekend away from R for almost 5 years. I didn't have to worry that he wouldn't enjoy it (in fact, he wouldn't have come along in the first place).
>It was our first weekend away from R for almost 5 years<
I can only <applaud> Well done you!
How did it feel to be independent of him? And did it feel okay to be out and about with little on your own? At least you could be very sure of supportive and interesting company (and venue - the BM is a fabulous place).
>It was our first weekend away from R for almost 5 years<
How did it feel? It was a relief. I was under no pressure to please anyone else except little and myself. You are right - the BM is a fabulous place and I expect to be back there before too long.
I was thinking maybe that we might go into London every couple of weeks or so and choose somewhere to go for an afternoon. Swimming and cycling are out for at least four weeks, until little gets his cast taken off.
I'm going to take a long look at what I actually want in a relationship. I also need to address a tendency to ignore things I don't like and pretend that everything is OK as it causes me to close down and the good things get shut out too.
It sounds as if the weekend went well, and you are beginning to think straight. it sounds like a good idea to to go in to London, somewhere different each time.
If it was me I would be off to the London Wetland Centre but then, that's me.
Little looked as if he enjoyed himself. Nice Comments about you both on one thread. I will see if I can find it when I have a minute.
Email you later.
Oh yes, the Wetland Centre. We've been there and Little really liked going in the hides and watching the birds. I'd forgotten about it. actually we were members at one point (we joined when we went) however we didn't find the time to go back. Now we're more free, we should have the time.
Not seen the thread you mention yet, but when I've got a minute, I'll look.
Hi, just stopping by to say that I'm very pleased I made your acquaintance and that of little .
You're both lovely company, and I enjoyed the little silly game we did shortly before you left. (Now let's get everybody curious as to what that was. )
Aaw - can't we tell them? It was such fun. Both little and I had a lovely time.
Lollipop, lollypop, ooh lolly, lolly, lolly,
lollip lollypop, ooh lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop!
... da dum dum dum
I enjoyed meeting you too.
Went to my first Toastmaster club as not part of a couple tonight. R was there and we said 'Hi' at the beginning. Then at the end, I was chatting to some folks and he vanished. I feel more distant from him and he feels more distant from me (although of course, I can't say what he actually feels). I told a couple of people there that we were splitting up. It feels easier to cope with if other people know about it. It feels more real.
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