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|   | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Jul 13, 2001 by Pu Dendal-Shrubbery | | Post: 1
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Dunno if I'm trespassing but I thought I'd set up the W.L.I.I.A. game on an ongoing story.
It can be humorous or horrific, sexy or surreal but please start a new one if it drags, gets boring or reaches a logical conclusion(!)
The wooden crate had arrived at the house that morning. It had been a struggle for the deliveryman to get it through the door but now it stood on the living room table, unopened and smelling of rotten fruit. She had no idea of what it was or who had sent it but now it was time for her to lever it open....
|  | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Jul 13, 2001 by Orcus
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 2
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Hi there - no not trespassing this is a fun place where everyone is welcome. If you want to do a story then that's fine. You might want to know though that there are already at least two ongoing stories on h2g2. One is at ask h2g2 and the other one is on Sad Mad or Bad's Word Gymnastics page (linked from my homepage).
*In his best John Cleese voice*
Anyway.
She picked up a crowbar and applied it to the lid of the crate.
As the lid opened, a black vapour started pouring out of the crack - soon it was settling to the floor.
"What the...." She screamed as the lid suddenly burst open....
The fumes wormed their way up her nostrils, into her ears and eyes. Within seconds she felt overpowered. She collapsed onto the floor and crawled towards the door on her hands and knees. It wouldn't open. She headed for the window, all the time wanting to gag, trying not to pass out.It wouldn't budge an inch. The vapour seemed to have a life of it's own and it had now congregated there, weighing the window sill down.
She saw the box...
| | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Aug 1, 2001 by Platypus 2
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 4
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...start to move and then tip over onto it's side. Pandora screamed as the black vapour curled itself around a dim form that slowly extricated itself from the overturned crate.
"No! No! NO! she screamed, refusing to acknowledge that as the form became clearer it was taking on the figure of something that she had only seen at movies.
Yes it was Sylvester Stallone, smoking a hand rolled 5 inch cuban cigar,standing before her. He opened his mouth and said..
"Ello, Liddul lady. Pretty stinky in der, uh?.Uhhhh, yer won der competition by der way.I'm der prize."
Before Pandora could ask "What competition?", Stallone leapt out of the box, put down his machine gun and began rummaging around for something.
"I er..got it ere somewhere" he drawled, pulling out several large knives and a hand grenade before finding what he was looking for. "huh. Here"
He thrust a piece of paper into Pandora's hand. It read:
Congratulations! you have won a prize in our Hollywood Film Star Competition.I hope the actor/actress in question brings you many years of enjoyment. If you are not satisfied please return the actor/actress in good condition within 30 days. There is no cash alternative...
(here the smallprint got really small)
"This is too unreal. I'm forever entering the competitions in magazines but I can't remember this one. I've never won anything before" said Pandora, suspiciously. "Why have I won you?"
"Big Sell-off in Hollywood" shrugged Stallone "Dere getting rid of everybody. Some say it's a sinister plot but I don't cos I'm too stoopid."
| | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Aug 2, 2001 by Platypus 2
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 6
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"Well,you can't stay here," Pandora said,looking around nervously, "My boyfreind will be here soon and he is allergic to cigar smoke." "Duh, dats ullright, said Stallone "I got anuther he can have." and he reached into the front of his trousers and slowly withdrew a very large
penis.
"Look at dat, ain't it a beauty?...huh, sorry, wrong zip." slurred Stallone, embarrassed and fumbling with his pockets and hastily slipping back his member.
"Uhh Dis is what I wanted to show you!" he said, producing a large shiny metal case. It was ornately carved and it gleamed gold. Stallone opened it with a sly flick and out fell...
| | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Aug 4, 2001 by Platypus 2
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 8
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a fine silver powder which spread and gradually coated everything in the room. Pandora found herself unable to move her limbs or open her mouth, only the frantic rolling of her eyes betrayed her current consciousness and panic stricken state.
Stallone laughed a maniacal laugh, and reaching over his head, slowly pulled off the clever mask and revealed himself as a slightly short, slightly balding, slightly overweight perfectly normal, although ever so slightly green humanoid. He lifted his wrist and began to talk into a communicator, while removing the rest of the disguise. (but keeping the very nice penis for use later on).
Pandora noticed her cat sitting outside the window sill and tried desperately to communicate with him. He was a handsome ginger cat - neutered of course - which is why he paid no attention to Pandora's wild eye rolling.
Suddenly,...
the communicator crackled into life but it was not who the strange humanoid was expecting. A throaty, threatening voice thundered:
"We know you're there, Asmodeus!Give yourself up and come out of the house in one piece or we'll send in the troops and you'll come out of that house in pieces finer than that powder of yours. We know it doesn't work when sprinkled with cat's urine anyway. Oh, yes and we've caught two of your maniac friends, too! There's only you and Toby left and it shouldn't be too hard to spot a 6-foot Ranine high on a dozen different drugs who currently believes he's Batman, should it? So, my friend. Are you coming quietly?"
Pandora stared at Asmodeus (that's all that she could do) but the humanoid creature merely grinned and...
| | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Aug 6, 2001 by Platypus 2
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 10
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taking a pen and paper from wherever slightly green humanoids keep their stationery, he bagan to write, and write and write, and finally when Pandora could stand the suspense no longer, he neatly folded the pages together and put them inside a pale blue envelope with what might have been roses on it - if roses came in violet and magenta spots with foot long thorns. He smiled ever-so-sweetly at Pandora, opened the window and let the cat in, then, leaving the envelope on the corner of the table, calmly walked back into the crate from which he had come.
The cat, as cats will, sniffed around and then sprayed in the corners of the room and on poor Pandora, where the powder had concentrated. The effect of the powder was immmediatly neutralised, just as the space rangers outside had known it would be, and Pandora was free.
She had read enough Mills and Boon novels to know that now was time for all good heroines to fall swooningly at the feet of the incredibly handsome space ranger who was going to come bursting in here any minute now, but unfortunately, there were other things on her mind.( like a large and fairly handsome ever so slightly green penis that had just vanished before she could find out if what they say about aliens was true....
Pandora went over to the crate but, as she had expected,the slightly green humanoid had vanished completely.
Her heart was thumping and her head was spinning. She found that she was sad to see him go. But that was crazy, she tried to tell herself. He was an alien being, a dangerous criminal. Possibly a murderer or a rapist or something even more horrendous. He'd turned up at her house in a crate, pretended to be Stallone, told her some cock and bull story, pulled off his mask and then immobilised her.
The thought'You've had worse boyfriends'popped into her head.Pandora instantly dismissed this as madness. She hadn't even discovered what he'd wanted.She was determined to try and get a grip on reality. She filled the kettle to make a cup of coffee, that was a good start, nice and normal. While it was boiling she poured a sourcer of milk for Hair. She had called her cat Hairballs but had changed it after the operation.
She made the coffee and while it was cooling she went up to her bedroom and took off her catp**s-covered clothes. She scrabbled around for new underwear to put on,and began to have some rather raunchy erotic thoughts involving cucumbers.
That was when the front door burst open downstairs. It was a space ranger, but he was not at all remotely handsome(He looked as if someone had attacked him with a chainsaw)and he was incredibly angry.
"I know you're there, Pandora! You are Under arrest. You are charged with Harbouring a Dangerous Fugitive!Come down with your hands up! This is Commander Scheitzkopf of the Intergalactic State Ranger Patrol.'
So Pandora had to go to meet him, naked. She reached the living room to find the squat misshapen Scheitzkopf admiring the crate and running his fingers over the wood.
"Whhooooooooeeeeee, Pandora," he whistled "Nice box you've got there."
"You can arrest me if you want" said Pandora, cockily "Can I just put some clothes on first?"
Scheitzkopf caught the very breifest of glimpses of her nude form reflected in a mirror before getting very embarrassed, shielding his eyes and stammering "Ye-Yeah. Go ahead. Go back on up. G-Get dressed. I'm s-sorry."
Pandora was surprised at him getting all hot and flustered like that. Surely an old space ranger like him had seen everything in the galaxy that it was possible to see? A man to whom cosmic storms and Black Holes were like thunderstorms and snowfalls to her?
But unknown to her, Scheitzkopf was a pretender. His real name had been Martin Higgins and he'd aquired the nickname while he was still a pasty-faced student at the Intergalactic State Ranger School. That's what he'd been called by his fellow students and he had thought it'd sounded nice and mean and menacing. Soon after, he had decided to wear an eyepatch and he had saved up for a black leather jacket. He began to walk with a limp and his face became a mass of scars. His alter ego was now a sadistic, Bond villain cliche but it felt RIGHT- much better than being boring Martin. In just under two years he had become Scheitzkopf - a self-created monster. As Scheitzkopf he had bullied his way to the top in a short time, work was everything and so he was still inexperienced in many ways....
Pandora went up to change. She had seriously considered grabbing a few things and running away but something told her that that was not a good idea. She returned to Scheitzkopf, sensibly attired.
"You can look now!" she called but Scheitzkopf seemed still engrossed
with the box.
"I thought as much" he breathed..
"..there's a secret little button at the top. On the inside. It's taken me ages to find it but I knew that it was there. I bet if I touch that incredible things will start to happen.... hmm. I need a volunteer to help me with my experiment"
He cast his eyes around the room until he found what he wanted.
"Aha! Here, Puss puss Puss" he called and to Pandora's horror, he picked up her cat. Scheitzkopf looked even more like a Bond villain than ever before as he stood proudly in the half-light,stroking her pussy, Hair and laughing like a maniac.
Then (and if this was a film there would be an impressive crack of thunder at this point) he threw the cat in the box and pressed the button.
| | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Aug 17, 2001 by Platypus 2
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 14
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A sharp acrid smell filled Pandora's nostrils and she reached out her hands to portect her eyes from the flash of blue and violet light that came from the box. "Shards! said Sheitzkopf, and reaching in to the small black onyx-like cube that had once been the large crate, he removed a miniturased version of Hair, unfortunately also now a small black, onyx-like statue.
In his new, mean persona, Sheitzkopf was reluctant to acknowledge the demise of Hair,but a small Martinish part led him to hand it gently to Pandora and say in a gruff voice, "B****y cats, can't trust them".
Pandora had had enough. Clutching the statue to her sensibly clad chest, she face Scheitzkopf and let forth a stream of invective that her mother would have been shocked to hear. "Just what is going on here, she demanded, first a crate, then Slyvester Stallone, then an alien and now you! I want to talk to the person in charge!"
Scheitzkopf grabbed her right arm, and twisting it behind her back, said...
"I ask the questions around here, little lady. Shush now. Let's get outta here!" as he slapped a pair of Centurian SmartCuffs on her, but not before she had secreted the miniature black statue that had once been Hair into the pocket of her sensible slacks.
Centurian Smartcuffs were handcuffs , as outdated as truncheons and as kitsch as a pair of fluffy dice and a toy cat with suckers on it's feet. They were created at a time when the height of technology was to have every conceivable luxury item lumped together on the same tiny item. So the Smartcuffs contained within their tiny, flat millimetre-thin, unbreakable plastic surface a watch, tv (with digital channels), stereo,CD player, DVD player, computer,Playstation, Internet, Virtual Reality 3-D Surround ArgoNet and Gameboy Colour with Tetris. It was science showing off.
It was only after the design went into mass-production that people realised that the person wearing them could not use any of these additional functions. That, the manufacturers said, Was the Point. Having a total entertainment centre at your fingertips which you can't actually access was far more torturous than simply wearing ordinary handcuffs. They were thought too cruel but were not yet banned and Commander Scheitzkopf was currently the only space ranger still using them.
Scheitzkopf bundled Pandora outside where a team of people wearing tall, transparent helmets and long black capes had already gathered. This was the Intergalactic Crime Squad who would be ransacking Pandora's home in a matter of minutes and taking away the big onyx cube to analyse.They signalled to Scheitzkopf and opened the doors to a sleek, shiny, state of the art State Ranger spaceship.It was called The Black Mamba and it was indescribably desirable. It took your breath away.
The interrogation room was by comparison, a dull affair and was decked out to resemble a small Mediterranean villa,even down to the smell of the orange trees. The Commander placed a large glass of something refreshingly fruity-looking and obviously alcoholic on a white metal table in front of Pandora, exactly where she couldn't drink it.
Scheitzkopf said nothing for a long time. Instead, he'd switched on the Smartcuffs and was sat against a palm tree, playing Tetris behind her back.
"Would you kindly tell me what the Drooping Purple Fuchsia is going on?" demanded Pandora again, snarling and wriggling with impatience.
"That was a very dangerous humanoid you were harbouring, Miss Pandora Hope." growled Scheitzkopf, furiously (he had had a good score until then) "What do you have to say for yourself?"
| | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Aug 18, 2001 by Platypus 2
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 16
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I refuse to say anything to you at all, and certainly nothing until you tell me who you are and what is going on?
Scheitzkopf snarled a little and said "Space Ranger Scheitzkopf of the Intergalactic Crime Squad! We've been chasing that particular green alien for a long time. He's wanted for various nefarious deeds the length and breadth of the Andromeda Sector and we'd just tracked him to Earth's atmosphere when he recieved a message, changed vectors and landed in your living room. So, either tell me what was the message you sent and where he has gone now or I'll be forced to place you under serious interegation!"
Pandora stopped wriggling, (it was obviously getting her nowhere) and asked "what message? I didn't send a message"
Scheitzkopf just laughed, a mean despicable sound that sort of curled around and around, echoing faintly with chains rattling and winds howling. "No message huh, then who belongs to the sub-ether radio we found hidden in the Kitten Krispies in your pantry" "but... but...but I only bought them for my neighbours cat, I've been minding it, while they're away"
Another laugh, meaner than the first, "Krondorf, get your butt in here now and bring the TSD, a double dose - we've got a real live one here."
Suddenly the Mediterranean villa disappeared altogether, leaving behind a faint smell of orange trees, which was quickly overlayed with a putrid stench that seemed to be coming from the very walls. Walls that appeared to be closing in on her and Scheitzkopf. Pandora was suddenly very, very scared and the only reassuring thing was a warm feeling emanting from her left pants pocket (where the small onyx statue was).
A door in the wall opened and in walked Krondorf, bearing an armful of silver paraphanalia, tubes and needles glistening in the stark white light.
Krondorf was a member of the Crime Squad and as such he wore the obligatory uniform. Like the rest he had a glassy expression and yellowing papery skin.But from his bloodstained mouth and through the helmet dangled a makeshift breathing tube which resembled a vaccuum cleaner nozzle.
He nodded to Scheitzkopf and put the shiny and lethal-looking silver apparatus onto the table (which had mysteriously changed into a broken, dirty Olde-Worde pub garden table complete with obscene graffiti and bubblegum and minus the delicious-looking fruity drink - It didn't go with the rest of the decor at all -there was probably a glitch in the system).
Krondorf expertly and silently selected a needle and prepared a large syringe full of Truth Serum. He fiddled around with several cables, wiring them up to a flat screen He then lowered a small cage over Pandora's head and tightened it up here and there so that it dug deep into her temples. Once he was satisfied he looked at Scheitzkopf, expectantly. Scheitzkopf nodded back and Krondorf stood back, waiting for further instructions.
" Doesn't he ever speak?" asked Pandora, bemused.
"No. Not any more" smirked Scheitzkopf. Another Crime Squad member allerted the Normality Board. He must've found his words offensive on some way and so his vocal chords have been taken away. They are awaiting moderation.Heh Heh Heh. Of course, I could make sure the same thing happens to you. I've heard enough colourful expressions from those lips to warrant it. Unless you want to talk to me now."
But Pandora remained defiantly silent. Scheitzkopf clicked his fingers and Krondorf plunged the needle into her arm and injected her with Truth Serum.
"You barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrslummmm." screamed Pandora as she fell unconscious.
"Amazing stuff that Truth Drug." grinned Scheitzkopf "Only a little prick, but it's oh, so powerful"
The screen flickered into life. It showed a picture of the ground as seen by someone very high up in the air and falling very fast. Then it abruptly changed to a picture of Scheitzkopf covered in fat writhing snakes, with a selection of garden implements stuffed up his bottom.
"I love watching people's unconscious minds said Scheitzkopf to Krondorf who had brought him a bag of popcorn to munch. "I find them endlessly entertaining. They all seem to dream about me in some way."
Scheitzkopf spoke into a transmitter connected to Pandora's unconscious.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE GREEN HUMANOID?
(Screen swirls and shows black smoke, then Sylvester Stallone then what seemed to Scheitzkopf like a large marrow filled the screen.Then Pandora's mind seemed to get obsessed with things of an adult nature and so Scheitzkopf quickly asked
WH- WHERE IS HE NOW?
(Screen just showed a picture of the onyx cube, rotating)
HMM.WHAT WAS THE MESSAGE YOU SENT ?
(Screen filled up with question marks...)
It was clear she knew nothing. This wasn't what Scheitzkopf had anticipated. Angrily, he began to pull the wires out of Pandora's head.
"IF YOU DIDN'T SEND IT. WHO DID?" he raged and unfortunately for Pandora she had just guessed: a second before Scheitzkopf had totally disconnected it an image appeared briefly on the screen: that of Hair.
| | Subject: Novels In Progress Please Leave Entries(N.I.P.P.L.E)
Posted Aug 19, 2001 by Platypus 2
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 19
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In his violent rage, Scheitzkopf had disconnected the tubes in the wrong sequence and now Pandora lay slumped in the chair, unconscious, but by the smile on her face, not unpleasantly so. He screamed to Krondorf and the other members of his squad, "GET BACK TO THE HOUSE AND BRING ME THAT CAT!" There was a loud hissing noise, as his team took off to carry oiut his order.
A lavender clad medic now entered the room (as with all interrogation performed by the Intergalactic Space Rangers, this one was being conducted under the Andromeda Convention which required strict medical supervision to minimise infringements of civil liberties - and ensure the space rangers didn't damage them selves to much). The medic checked Pandora's vital signs and in a husky voice, through the respirator said "Gee chief, you did good on this one, she'll be out for hours"
"Blast and tarnation" growled Scheitzkopf as he stormed out of the cell. "I'll be making my report. Call me when the team returns or the prisoner stirs!"
The medic checked to make sure that he and Pandora were truly alone before she removed her respirator and put her hand into Pandora's pocket and removed the statue which by now was not only glowing faintly but also starting to purr. She put the cat into her carisack and andministered a restorative shot to Pandora. shortly Pandora stirred and would have made a noise had not the medic been communicating with her in Esperanto Sign Langauge, a language that Pandora had majored in at LSE the year before. ESL, when performed by skilled speakers is remarkably like the Balinese Fertility Dance, at it was obvious that the medic was a master.
OK , Pandora signed back I'll keep quiet and come with you - anything will be better than that thug.
So, donning the lavender coverall that denoted a medic and would allow her to pass unquestioned throughout the ship, PAndora and her rescuer left the cell.
The medic took Pandora back to her own sleeping quarters. Unlike the rest of the Black Mamba it appeared small and simple:It wasn't artificially generated. It was just a room. The medic knew that this was just about the only safe place aboard ship where they could talk, even in sign language, undetected.
Once inside, the medic and Pandora sat on the bunk beds and slowly gesticulated to one another in a fluid series of beautiful and subtle movements. Fingers twirled balletic, and entwined, dancing like Olympic ice skaters, like courting flamingoes, like a pair of poppies, shaking, trembling and oblivious to the surrounding cornfield. If a Bird of Paradise had been watching it would've had to have taken notes.
The medic told Pandora in ESL that she shared the room with the three other medics - they worked in pairs in alternate shifts. Her partner was eating a late lunch in the canteen and so they were now safe to talk.
Good, said Pandora (her wrists had been aching due to the Smartcuffs (which the medic had removed)so they were glad of the exercise)She felt there was something cold about the medic and wondered whether she could trust her. She didn't have a lot of option.
Can you tell me what's going on, asked Pandora, because a lot of strange stuff keeps happening to me and I haven't understood any of it yet. I'd planned to have a lazy evening in with a pizza, some cheap booze and a 'trashy' video (it had just occurred to her that it probably would've been a movie with Stallone) and instead it's early evening and here I am, I've been held captive by a green man, a nasty cop and a zombie and I'm now a fugitive on a spaceship and I'm dressed a giant walking...."What's Esperanto for clitoris?"
The medic made a delicate movement with her right hand like a butterfly landing on a rose petal. They both giggled like naughty schoolgirls. That had broken the ice.
The medic told Pandora that Asmodeus...
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