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|   | Subject: Is this Friend-like Behaviour?
Posted Jul 30, 2012 by  Willem | | Post: 1
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Okay what friends I have here on h2g2 probably are aware of my difficulties in making and retaining friends in 'real life'. So I'd like to ask a question.
Is this proper and friendly behaviour?
A person phones me a while ago. It's a person I don't know very well, but OK. This person then asks me to come and visit him sometime. All right ... I find it weird because hardly any of the people that I see regularly and get along with ever asks me to come visit them. So maybe this could be a new friend. Right, but I am still extremely alienated and truly frightened of semi-strange people, so it is hard for me to plan for a visit, but I do so, and it is hard for me to phone this person, but I do so. On Saturday I phone and ask: is it OK if I come visit today? Yes - he's out but will be back in half an hour. Right, I say, I see you then, half an hour from now. Fine, see you says this person. It always is tough for me to climb in my car and leave the house, but I do so. Half an hour from then, I'm at that person's house, I ring the doorbell, I wait, I ring again, wait again. He's obviously not there. I drive back home and phone again. The person says no, he's visiting other people now, I should come visit another day. Well. Why not tell me BEFORE I took the trip? I think this is at least a bit rude. Now I just ask: is this all right behaviour or not? Should I give this person another chance, or should I conclude this person is actually not interested in being a friend of mine at all?
For the record: I try and treat people with consideration, as in, if I make an appointment with them, and confirm it by phone, I KEEP the appointment and if there's something that comes up preventing me from keeping it, I phone that person as soon as possible and explain and apologise.
I'd give the person another chance--it's possible something came up. If it happens again, though, I'd forget about it.
Would it be less stressful if the person came over to your house? That way, if it fell through, you'd at least be home?
Sounds like the guy is not very reliable. He might be forgetful, or just plain inconsiderate.
I think next time, I'd only only agree to meet him in a neutral place at first. Then see if he shows up.
I have to agree with Dmitri. Being a friend works both ways. It sounds like he was willing to go the extra mile for someone else, but didn't lose any sleep over letting you down. You deserve better, Willem. If he gets in touch with you again, make sure you tell him that being let down is not acceptable behaviour.
GB
 
|  | Subject: Is this Friend-like Behaviour?
Posted Jul 31, 2012 by Websailor
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 5
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Willem, you have exactly the same problems as my young friend (you know of him) and frankly I think that is totally unacceptable.
The position you are in, and my friend too, means you should always try and take the opportunity to make new friends, however hard it may be to make the effort. However, such treatment is rude, unkind and inconsiderate. My friend also has the same view of promises, punctuality etc. If a decent person's plans change then they should notify you in good time or at least make an abject apology afterwards if they couldn't get in touch..
My personal opinion is forget him. However, if he gets in touch again there may be a less bothersome solution - ask him to visit you. Now, that is only an option if you are not worried having people in your own home since you are alone.O you could arrange to meet somewhere you could do something else if he doesn't show up - like cafe or shops, if you have anywhere like that locally?
I do wonder what his motive was in the first place? Boredom, mischief or just thoughtless?
I understand your problem totally but you have to make the decision yourself. Of course I am of a generation where punctuality, good manners and reliability was paramount, and it doesn't seem to be the case these days, so some people might think my comments old fashioned.
Websailor 
| | Subject: Is this Friend-like Behaviour?
Posted Jul 31, 2012 by Willem
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 6
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Hi folks, thanks for the suggestions. I really don't know why he wants to be friends with me ... I had the impression he might be lonely but as he was seeing other people rather than being home so I could visit him, I don't know. Anyways, I don't have a problem with him visiting me here in my home, but he is disabled with limited mobility ... but again it seems he manages to get around. Anyways, I don't think his disability is an excuse for rudeness. It surely doesn't prevent him from phoning. I go the extra mile to try and be considerate myself. But anyways, I will give him another chance ... if he phones and asks for a visit again, I'll go.
Websailor, I am of a somewhat younger generation than yours, but I still think punctuality and good manners and reliability are important qualities. Jeez dear heavens in my own country right now things are going to heck in a handbasket because so many people don't have those. Us folks have never really been on the ball as far as all that was concerned ...
| | Subject: Is this Friend-like Behaviour?
Posted Jul 31, 2012 by Websailor
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 7
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Willem, I wasn't saying all people have forgotten punctuality, manners etc. just some but certainly the habit is fading.
Sounds like he might be lonely or lacking confidence. Give him another go, you might get on.
Websailor
Now Willem has elaborated, I am a little worried that the would-be friend is just looking for carers to take him out. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have met such people who expect everything to be done for them, yet give nothing (of themselves) in return, such a relationship can be soul-destroying for the put-upon friend.
| | Subject: Is this Friend-like Behaviour?
Posted Aug 1, 2012 by aka Bel
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 9
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Maybe he was home later than expected, and on not finding you there (since you had returned home) he went to see other people?
Give him a chance to explain, or even apologise. If something similar should happen again, don't bother any more.
|  | Subject: Is this Friend-like Behaviour?
Posted Aug 2, 2012 by Willem
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 10
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Hi folks, thanks for the comments. I'll give him another chance if he should phone again. Galaxy Babe, he has a wife who is helping him very much, so I don't think he's looking for someone else to help him get around. Bel, from what he said on the phone I had the idea he didn't return home at all. But anyways, I'll see what happens from here on. I'd like to have more friends, but NOT untrustworthy ones ... that will not help me in any way at all.
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