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|   | Subject: If there's a dildo in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now.
Posted Aug 7, 2006 by plokderf | | Post: 1
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*For most sufferers a hangover is an extremely unpleasant reminder of the evils of the night before.*
Joe would have welcomed a hangover with open arms. Anything that could possibly act as a reminder of what exactly were the evils of the night before would be helpful.
He stared down in misery at the carrier bag lying next to the bed. How, oh how, had he acquired a Tescos bag containing 27 vibrators, in many shades, shapes & sizes? His memory was as blank as his cheque book stubs, there was cash in his wallet, so these had been acquired by other means.
He groaned once more.
"Amnesia is a terrible thing. I can't remember who said that, but it's true. Oh Jeez. Here we go again. I know it's again because they keep making me write things down. But I can't remember who they are or where I wrote them down. I think I'll have a little hair of the dog to wake me up."
Amazingly, Joe had never lost his ability to understand the effects of alcohol after The Accident & indeed was capable of quoting percentage by volume & many other interesting booze related facts to anybody who might be prepared to listen.
He poured himself a scotch & sat back once more to contemplate the dildos. They were indeed a fine & varied selection, not just your everyday, workhorse type dildo, but the very créme de la créme; lovingly crafted in a myriad of shapes, colours and (it seemed to Joe, though he couldn't remember being an expert on such matters) a variety of speed controls.
"They look like a bag of giant Jelly Babies. I suppose some folks would be wanting to bite the heads off. I bet they'd go for that big black one first. I don't hold with that sort of thing. Racist I call it. Ray's sist.....ah!!! Ray, Ray, I remember Ray, yes,maybe he has a sister, dunno who, but he might! Ray might know about this sort of thing, where's me list?"
Joe's social worker had succeeded in compelling Joe to keep a large sheet of Useful Numbers above his phone, so now, armed with another scotch, he dialled Ray.
"Ray, it's Joe, you'll never guess what's happened!"
"No, I daresay I won't, but I live in fear & dread. Go on, tell me"
"I woke up & found a bag full of dildos, dead pretty they are"
"Where are you? Are you in the nick?"
"No, I'm at home, they are right by the bed in a Tescos bag"
"I don't think Tescos sell dildos"
"So how did they get here?"
"F'ing* aliens abducted you last night & this is their equivalent of a souvenir stick of rock. Check & see if they have "Made in Mars" written through them. Now sod off, I am trying to *cormorant the missus."
"Sister. Sister. I want to talk to your sister"
"You total tw*t, I don't have a bloody sister.If you want a sister phone the church."
Joe sat, very quietly & pondered. Maybe the church wasn't actually such a bad idea. The massive calendar his social worker had also insisted upon "this will help regulate your life Joe" indicated today was a Blue day, which meant Sunday, which meant NO Social Worker. But Sundays the bells rang from the church up the road. So obviously God works Sundays & is supposed to help all living souls, including amnesiacs.
So, Joe dressed carefully in his best Iron Maiden T shirt , army fatigues & sandals, picked up the bag of dildos....warily. Who knows, they might be bombs? But they seemed calm enough & merely settled to the bottom of the bag with a sort of plasticy rattle. He set off for the church.
It was a lovely sunny Sunday & he enjoyed the stroll; the fluorescent pink & green penises glowing pleasantly in the sunlight; raising briefly the fear of radioactivity, but he dismissed this. The sisters would be bound to know. Entering the church, he realised he was not alone, there was a service going on. Oh dear, he had hoped for a nice quiet chat with Mother Superior in the vestry. He slunk into a pew & pondered on "If there's a Mother Superior, is there a Daddy Superior? Or a Mother Inferior?"...Joe was fond of philosophical questions such as these.
They were singing "Jesu joy of mans desiring" & Joes mind started doing odd things. Man. Desire. Of course. He had been barking up the wrong tree. Tree. Hedge. Park. It was starting to come back.
Last night, after the pub, walking back through the park, when he was taken short & stopped to relieve himself against that nice oak tree & then alarm bells started ringing from the High Street. Oh Jeez! Yes, maybe he was in the right place to beg forgiveness today, for surely he had sinned? Then the man running past, flinging the bag into the hedge. Then the policemen following & Joe crawling shaking quaking under the hedge also. And, when it all went quiet, crawling shaking quaking out & sidling towards home then *remembering* he had left his shopping under the hedge.
Sidling back shaky quaky, the Tescos bag still there; off back home & open the whisky quick.
He wasn't going to talk to Mother superior about this, she wouldn't understand, he was sure the Vatican frowned not only upon theft but upon theft from sex shops.
But, looking around at all the lovely candles, he decided to pay penance. All those nice saintly statues, all these lovely flowers & pretty things. He was sure the Sisters would be grateful.
|  | Subject: If there's a dildo in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now.
Posted Aug 8, 2006 by  Snailrind
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 2
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Uh-oh... I get a sense of impending chaos!
I had a good titter at the fiirst few lines of his convo on th phone. "Are you in the nick?"  Tells Says so much about the pair of them without saying anything, if you see what I mean.
|  | Subject: If there's a dildo in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now.
Posted Aug 8, 2006 by zendevil
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 3
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Indeed!!!
My mate Heron; who has just joined hootoo U5215551 is a writer & she set me this little task, gave me just the first line & half an hour to come up with something, she had the same done to her, so i am interested to see what she wrote.
I did mention you to her also, we had a quick shufty at your blog, but no time to do more at that stage. Heron is a bit new to online web stuff, but very keen to explore all options, any advice you could give her would be welcome i'm sure.
zdt
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